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FASHION FLAIR!

30th December, 1999

This week I , Kenza, bring you a new dimension to this column. Once in a while (whenever we have time) my mate Dave will be joining me in a little fashion sparring. He on the blokes side, me doing the Girl Power thang. Read on ....

Over the past week I have been mostly obsessed by Derek - hasn't everyone? But what I love about him is his dress sense. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Another thing I love is his hair (well him and Ben really): the way he plays with it and the perfect style, no question.

DAVE: I am afraid that you might need to get out more, Kenza.

KENZA: No I don't....not really...

DAVE: Derek and Ben are always very well dressed in an English sort of way, but unfortunately I feel that they need to teach little Benjy a little bit about the world of fashion. Look at the poor child - son of a millionaire and dressed like a pauper. They should also teach him not to shout loudly and instead talk normally. He needs the fashion guidance from his father -whoever that might be. Tess has been doing her normal 'dress like a happy hippy' routine and that's probably what's given Benjy the idea of dressing badly. Perhaps with Derek back he can sort her out fashion-wise? It needs to be done.

KENZA: Benjy is definitely the 'Omen' child. Can you blame his bad dress sense when he live-s/d in a house with Meg, Maria and Tess? and Tim pops round occasionally!! Well it is safe to say that Ben or Derek is his Daddy so he should be in good training, although he is a little slow to catch on....His voice would still be just as annoying if he were quieter. I really do not like that kid. Now some of Tess's stuff is really nice- it's good to see a little colour that isn't on Bette for a change (notice her jacket on the 9/12/99 the sleeves and cut were just right, one of the more tasteful things in her wardrobe). And what a head of hair she has!! (Tess that is) Isn't it gorgeous? Unlike Tim's...poor boy, not even the designer stubble can help him ... ugh.

DAVE: Is that really designer stubble? I think its through the stress of going out with Tess. I really love her hair when she just lets it flow, but when she messes about with it looks awful. Tim seems to want to torture us with his awful bright shirts which clash horribly with Tess when they are together. His ruffled hair look is very bad, making him look like he's been sleeping rough. You've got to feel sorry for the poor boy though - he's so blinded by his love to Tess he hasn't noticed Derek. Yet. We need to talk about Maria.

KENZA: Ah yes- the dear caught in the headlights.

DAVE: Why can she not try wearing something different for a change? It seems to be that she has found an outfit she likes and then bought in every single colour imaginable. But she hasn't always been wearing clothes, has she Kenza? She's been very much without clothes lying in bed with Derek.

KENZA: Bastard- never bring that up again...I was sworn to secrecy but now I will have to come clean- I was Maria's stunt double. Shocking, I know. Maria has some really nice stuff if only she'd wear it- ditch those cardis!! Oh well, personally I'd like to get my hands on Annie's wardrobe - although I know you's like to handle a lot more than that, hey Dave?

DAVE: I wish. We'll talk about Miss Collagen '99 in great detail later. Anyway, was it just me who noticed this, but was Derek slightly over-obsessing with Maria's hair? He was playing with it for ages, devising little games and generally being rather strange?

KENZA: Yes- he also has a rather endearing habit (for a murderer) of playing with his own hair. I have now mentioned that twice, oh well, can't get enough of Derek...Anyway- won't Maria notice that 'Ben' has suddenly developed a hair fetish? At least Derek kisses the same way as Ben.

DAVE: So I suppose you'd like a little bit of brotherly love from the gruesome twosome then Kenza?

KENZA: And what would that mean, Dave? I'm sure I don't know (she says with as innocent a face as Annie)

DAVE: Moving swiftly on: Speaking of brotherly love, it's been sadly missing from the Torres family lately with Evil Ricardo totally freaking out Gobby by asking her to compare his sexual 'performance' with his brother's.

KENZA: That was gross although I think we all know the answer to that.

DAVE: Of course Gobby had to think about this for a while - hopefully she was also thinking about burning that terrible seductive see-through thing.

KENZA: Seductive wasn't a word I would have used- trashy is.

DAVE: Antonio has been wearing his dog-collar in the Mission as usual, sadly oblivious to the fact that his brother and his wife were discussing his sexual prowess.

KENZA: Hmmm...not your usual post-carnal chat is it?

DAVE: He and his brother always seem to be a bit plain on the clothes front, and (thank the Big G) not taking fashion advice from Madame Carmen (she's definitely one of the worst dressed people on the Beach).

KENZA: Oh My Ben! Can you imagine it if Carmen was the costume person!!?? Oh for Antonio's sake don't even try- it will leave you scared for life, just like Amy's Hawaiian theme!! Antonio has style when he puts his mind to it...Thickardo is a lost cause...completely and utterly lost.

DAVE: If Carmen was the costume person we'd be in for a horrid shock, I'm sure. Speaking of shocks, Amy was quite shocked when fashion reject Mrs. Moreau and the Comedy Parrot Roadshow ( I hope Spike eats him)

KENZA: Now that's not nice Davey.

DAVE:...rolled into town and demanded money. Amy needs that money to buy some decent clothes because she always looks like a tart (in my humble opinion she's got a great body, but is sadly one of the most annoying people ever).

KENZA: She is the stereotypical cheerleader- and guess what? She was in the cheerleading squad before SB. How sad.

DAVE: The same goes for Emily, who was tarting herself up to impress Brad. Unfortunately, she looked like a fool.

KENZA: Well she looked like who she was- a twit trying to be hard and streetwise although her top was cool, in fact the whole combo was good if she wasn't wearing it. I thought she looked like Caitlin actually. Ewww, scarrryyyyy.

DAVE: As for Brad and Sean - I can't even bring myself to talk about them. But I know you've got a soft spot for them haven't you, Kenza?

KENZA: Oh yes I do- they are the last word in fashion. Not the First like Ben/Derek- he is hot hot hot!!

DAVE: or perhaps not.

KENZA: I think that Sean and Brad have no taste whatsoever and should be brought to justice by the fashion police. That's me, Detective Inspector Kenza of the SBFPD (Sunset Beach Fashion Police Dept.) and Sergeant Dave, my trusty sidekick.

DAVE: Yes Sir!

KENZA: We aim to rid SB of all fashion faux pas

DAVE: LOCK THEM UP! sorry.....

KENZA: Now now darling...and reward the citizens who bring them to our attention. If you, the public, notice anything strange going on then e-mail our HQ and we will put them on trial with a defense (maybe- depends how heinous the crime is). It can be anything from Maria's hairbands to Sean in general. Whatever/whoever you see offending- let us know- together we can stamp out this crime. Thank-you for your unswerving devotion to this task. Just fill in the form below and wait for the verdict. So Dave, you were saying about Miss Collagen 1999? And make this quick, coz it's gonna be the last one.

DAVE: Quick? You must be joking. Oh, what words can describe Annie? Sexy. Beautiful. Collagen. She's been scheming again, trying to get 'ol Livvy back on the bottle. But even though she's being evil again, she still looks great. Her white dress that she wore to dinner was very classy and certainly made Tobias sit up straight.

KENZA: I have to agree, I really want that dress. I WANT THAT DRESS ... sorry.

DAVE: Sadly it went slightly downhill from there, with that strange pink thing with a white thing under it. And her lipstick was colour coded to go with it. Thank the Big G that it was still quite revealing.

KENZA: Ewwwww, that dress was hideous...she should just have worn the white thing underneath it.

DAVE: She also looked great in all her fantasies (and there have been a lot recently; her brain's been in overdrive). Anyway, I'm going for a lie down now as I'm all hot and bothered.

KENZA: Just think of Meg and take a cold shower- ooh cha cha!

DAVE: Merry Christmas from the Sunset Beach Fashion Police and remember: if granny buys you something awful, don't wear it. Give it to Brad.

KENZA: Or Sean- he really needs it. And have a kick ass Y2K.

KENZA and DAVE: Goodbye- from the odd couple.

For any feedback, mail me at Kenzaf@hotmail.com

See ya next week and Keep Beaching!