Spies Five

	A park bench, in a television studio somewhere in 
	Shepherd's Bush's famous London. Hugh approaches 
	Stephen, who is sitting and feeding ducks from a brown 
	paper bag.


Hugh		My cheque book is sometimes yellow.

Stephen		Yellow is the colour of some people's front
		porches.

Hugh		(Slipping down next to Stephen) Hello Control.

Stephen		Hello Murchison. Sorry to ask you to go through
		that coded exchange.

Hugh		Yes, it seemed rather odd, because we know each
		other quite well, don't we?

Stephen		That's a true thing to say, Tony, but the fact is we
		can't be too careful at the moment.

Hugh		Did you think perhaps that I might be a KGB
		man with a false head on?

Stephen		I hadn't entirely ruled it out.

Hugh		So.

Stephen		Mm. I expect you're wondering why we couldn't
		meet in my office, Tony.

Hugh		Not really, it's being redecorated, isn't it? I had a
		little peek through the door this morning when I
		was passing. I think I caught a glimpse of some
		rather attractive rolls of wallpaper. A sort of silvery
		stripe, with a textured bit.

Stephen		Yes. The cornice and moulding are going to be
		picked out in maroon.

Hugh		That sounds very adventurous.

Stephen		Mm. I find that makes a room look bigger. Well
		I've got to put my serious hat on now. Are you
		familiar with the term "mole"?

Hugh		Surely a mole is an enemy agent planted deep
		within an organisation, such as ours, who pretends
		to be on one side but is really on the other all
		the time?

Stephen		Yes. They are beastly.

Hugh		Yes, very.

Stephen		Well, for some time, Murchison, the Minister
		and I have been ever so slightly anxious about
		the possibility of there being just such a "mole"
		working inside our department.

Hugh		Oh lor.

Stephen		Yes. That's why I thought it would be more secure
		if we met here, not in my office.

Hugh		That's a smart and professional piece of thinking,
		Control.

Stephen		It's no good trying to be all private and secret
		if there's a mole listening to you all the time,
		probably laughing up his sleeve at you. If moles
		have sleeves.

Hugh		So a mole, with or without sleeves. Fff. In our
		department? That makes my blood boil.

Stephen		Mine too. It really is beginning to look like it.
		The Minister and I have decided to call the mole
		"Duncan" by the way.

Hugh		Oh. Well I'm afraid that your theory about there
		being a mole may be wrong then, Control.

Stephen		I'm busy wondering why that should be, Tony?

Hugh		Well, we haven't got anyone called Duncan
		working in the department. I could ask the
		computer to give information on people called
		Duncan until the cows come home, but it is such
		a quite common name. Especially in Scotland,
		I think.

Stephen		I may not have explained myself too well,
		Murchison. Duncan is just his code-name for the
		time being.

Hugh		What a devious business we're in, Control.

Stephen		Yes, I often think that it's a pity that we have to lie
		and conceal the truth so much. It leaves a not very
		pleasant taste in the mouth sometimes.

Hugh		Hear, hear.

Stephen		I have to say that I don't envy the mole, though.

Hugh		No, quite. I have to say that as well, Control.
		Because a mole has extra helpings of lying and
		concealing the truth to do.

Stephen		Yes. We've got quite enough on our plate just
		working for one country, haven't we, Tony?

Hugh		We jolly well have.

Stephen		If I had to do all my work twice I should get pretty
		fagged out. I shouldn't have a moment to call
		my own.

Hugh		Nor me.

Stephen		Bother him. Bother Duncan. Bother the Minister.
		Bother the whole damned lot of them.

Hugh		Yes. Mind you, it's given us an opportunity to get
		out into the fresh air for a change.

Stephen		That's true. And I expect the ducks will be
		pleased.

Hugh		They'd be jolly ungrateful if they weren't.

Stephen		Well I've got to have a small talk with the Minister
		now. Can I leave you to finish off feeding them?

Hugh		Certainly Control, leave the bag with me. You put
		the ducks out of your mind.

Stephen		Thanks Tony. Have done.

Hugh		B-bye, Control.

Stephen		B-bye, Murchison.

Stephen		Sometimes I think they
		ought to build a ring road
		round the ring road. Ha ha.
		(Laughs hysterically almost 
		forever)