Introduction

Stephen		Well, Hugh.

Hugh		Well, Stephen.

Stephen		Here we are again.

Hugh		More or less.

Stephen		More or less?

Hugh		Last time, if you remember, we were between
		MAPS and BIOGRAPHIES on the other
		side, but now they've changed the whole
		bookshop round.

Stephen		I think I prefer it here.

Hugh		Oh so do I.

Stephen		You get a nice view of the till and the fire exit, and
		we're only a short stroll away from the Leisure
		Interest section.

Hugh		I wouldn't want to go back, certainly.

Stephen		But anyway, Hugh, here we are again, with another
		collection of comedic ensketchments to thrill, tease
		and sexually arouse our reading public.

Hugh		More or less.

Stephen		More or less, yes. Wasn't it Big Ron Atkinson who
		said "you can sexually arouse some of the people
		all of the time, and all of the people some of the
		time, but if you want to sexually arouse all of the
		people all of the time, you've got your work cut out
		to a certain extent"?

Hugh		No.

Stephen		Tsk. I'm thinking of Abba.

Hugh		Not wishing to interrupt or anything of that sort,
		but isn't it about time we rolled up our sleeves and
		got down to the job of introducing the ladies and
		gentlemen to this book?

Stephen		Haven't they met?

Hugh		Don't think so.

Stephen		I'm so sorry. I could have sworn they were both at
		the Hendersons' last New Year's Eve.

Hugh		What a night that was.

Stephen		Well, early evening.

Hugh		Yes. What an early evening that was.

Stephen		Well anyway, ladies and gentlemen, this is the
		book. Book, say hello to the ladies and gentlemen.

	Slight Pause.

Hugh		They seem to have hit it off remarkably well.

Stephen		Oh, I think it's going swimmingly.

Hugh		Well if you'll excuse me, I think I'll just nip to the
		lavatory.

Stephen		Hugh?

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		We're in the lavatory.

Hugh		Of course we are. Tsk.

Stephen		You were thinking of Abba.

Hugh		Must have been.

Stephen		Hugh, my old china, I've a question for you.

Hugh		Off you go.

Stephen		Have I gone mad, or were we supposed to use this
		introduction as a way of issuing a warning?

Hugh		You've gone mad.

Stephen		If I have indeed gone mad, it's the sort of madness
		in which I have moments of achingly lucid sanity.
		Here's one now.

Hugh		Steady. Don't waste it.

Stephen		I seem to remember being given some advice by
		our solicitors.

Hugh		You're quite right. We were advised, by our
		solicitors, to write out a cheque to our solicitors.

Stephen		Made payable to bearer, if memory serves.

Hugh		Memory has served an ace in this instance,
		Stephen. We were asked to write out a cheque and
		advised that it was our duty to warn the potential
		purchaser of this book, this book with which they
		are already making such fast friends ...

Stephen		Fast, but within the speed limit.

Hugh		Just.

Stephen		Just.

Hugh		It was our duty, I think I was saying ...

Stephen		... before you were so attractively interrupted.

Hugh		... to warn the reader that these sketches are for
		external application only.

Stephen		On no account are they to be swallowed.

Hugh		Or performed in public without written permission
		from the publishers, unless and until you are the
		only human being left alive on the planet Earth.

Stephen		Which, in case you're starting to get alarmed,
		is an unlikely set of circumstances, and not one
		you would expect to come across every day of
		the week.

Hugh		But that's what you pay these legal johnnies for
		- covering angles that the rest of us wouldn't
		think of.

Stephen		A humbling thought, Hugh. A humbling thought.

Hugh		Any other duties we have to discharge, before the
		ladies and gentlemen ask this book back to their
		place for a cup of Horlicks and a snog?

Stephen		Not really, except for heaven's sake make sure
		you've actually got some Horlicks.

Hugh		Oh. That can be embarrassing, can't it?

Stephen		Always have the wherewithal to back up your story.
		There's nothing worse than an idle boast.

Hugh		Wasn't it the Swedish pop group Abba who said
		"a man who claims to have Horlicks when he
		hasn't, is no man at all - and certainly wouldn't be
		welcome at Sheffield Wednesday"?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Oh.

Stephen		It was G.K. Chesterton.

Hugh		B'bye.

Stephen		B'bye.

Stephen		I think they should call it
		industrial inaction, hahaha, if you
		ask me, hahaha.