Combat Games

	Stephen rings the doorbell of a semi, dressed in an 
	anorak and sensible hat. The door swings open, but 
	there is no one there. Stephen enters hesitantly.


Stephen		Hello? Hello? Yoo hoo? Anyone at ho ...

	Hugh springs out, hanging upside down, dressed in 
	camouflage gear with a headband and khaki greasepaint 
	all over his face: he is holding a gun.

		Oh good afternoon.

Hugh		In a combat situation you would be dead
		meat, mister.

Stephen		Sorry?

Hugh		If you'd been some sort of gook, I would have
		burned you away and had your arse for breakfast.

Stephen		Oh. Right.

Hugh		You're not a gook, though, are you?

Stephen		I hope not.

Hugh		No. Gooks don't wear anoraks, as far as I can
		ascertain. Pass friend.

Stephen		Thank you. Are you anything to do with Martin
		Wilson's Recreational Wargames Limited?

Hugh		Indeed. I am he.

Stephen		Who?

Hugh		I am Colonel "Mad" Martin Wilson, and
		Recreational Wargames are very much my
		business.

Stephen		Oh good. I'm interested in taking part in one of
		these combat games.

Hugh		Well, you've come to the right place. This is what I
		call the game zone.

Stephen		I see. This is where the combat games take
		place, is it?

Hugh		That is correct, my friend. Trust no one and
		nothing. The game zone is full of surprises.

Stephen		Yes. The first surprise is, it's your front room.

Hugh		A front room equipped for war. This, for example,
		is an anti-personnel magazine rack.

Stephen		Is it?

Hugh		No. But you couldn't possibly have known that.

Stephen		Is this what we're going to play with?

Hugh		Please do not aim your weapon unless you intend
		to discharge it, and then only if in a full combat
		situation.

Stephen		It's a water pistol.

Hugh		Yes. Loaded with live water.

Stephen		Righty ho.

Hugh		I will count to ten, and you will secrete youself
		somewhere in the game zone, preferably in a
		potential ambush position. I will then come after
		you in what I choose to call a search and destroy
		mission.

Stephen		Crikey.

Hugh		And remember, the first rule of the game zone is,
		there are no rules. And the second rule is, don't go
		into the kitchen. It's out of bounds.

Stephen		Understood.

Hugh		Right, the game time begins ...

	A woman enters from the kitchen.

Woman		Do you want some tea, Martin? Oh good
		afternoon.

Stephen		Hello.

Woman		I was just making some tea for my husband. Would
		you fancy a cup?

Stephen		Oh that'd be very nice. Thank you.

Woman		Won't be a minute.

	She goes back into the kitchen.

Stephen		That's very kind of her.

Hugh		Coo. You really are dead meat. Never trust
		civilians.

Stephen		But she's your wife, isn't she.

Hugh		She said she was my wife. But she could easily be
		a gook, for all you know.

Stephen		Well surely gooks don't wear aprons, do they?

Hugh		Never mind.

Stephen		Cooks do.

Hugh		All right. Game time begins. One. Two. Three.
		Four ...

	Stephen tiptoes out of the room.

		Five. Six. Seven. Eight, nine, ten seconds of game
		time have elapsed.

	Hugh opens his eyes and looks round the room: 
	then he suddenly drops to the floor and starts 
	to move around the room in a series of somersaults 
	and ridiculous combat poses. Eventually he is forced 
	to give up.

		(Calling out) Right. Congratulations, my friend. You
		are the first person ever to have outwitted Colonel
		"Mad" Martin Wilson in a game situation. Hello?
		Tscch. Honestly. That chap is dead meat.

	Mrs Wilson enters with a tray of tea things.

Woman		There you are dear.

Hugh		Thank you dear.

Woman		Where's your friend?

Hugh		Friend? He is the enemy, dear.

Woman		Well doesn't he want his tea, then?

Hugh		Well he might do.

	Hugh is standing by the window: Stephen opens it from 
	the outside and sticks his pistol through at Hugh's head.

Stephen		We meet again, Colonel.

Woman		Your tea's ready.

Stephen		Oh thanks very much.

Hugh		You went outside the game zone. You broke
		the rules.

Stephen		In combat there are no rules. Except survival.

Hugh		All right then.

	Hugh drops his water pistol.

Stephen		That's better. Now then. Very slowly reach out and
		pass me my cup of tea. By the handle, Colonel.

Hugh		Very well.

	Hugh makes as if to do so, but grabs his wife round the 
	neck, holding a large knife to her neck.

		One false move and the woman gets it.

Stephen		Oh come come, Colonel.

Hugh		I mean it. Drop your weapon.

Stephen		How do I know that she isn't a gook?

Hugh		She's not a gook

Woman		I'm not a gook.

Hugh		There you are. So come on. Throw down your
		weapon.

Stephen		No. I call your bluff, Colonel.

Hugh		I'm serious.

Stephen		Off you go then.

	Hugh suddenly cuts her throat: lots of blood: she falls to 
	the floor.

		Er ... looks like you've killed your wife.

Hugh		It's only a game. (Pause) Isn't it?

Stephen		I'm not really interested in
		clothes. Not really. As long as
		they get me from A to B.