Trick Or Treat

	Stephen is in the area, finishing off polishing his desk 
	with a duster and a can of Pledge.


Stephen		It is our firm belief on "A Bit Of Fry and Laurie",
		married to a passionate girl from Stockton-on-
		Tees, that there is a right way and a wrong way to
		do everything.

	He is walking out across the central set now towards a 
	doorway set.

		So I and my "partner in crime", Hugh Laurie.
		(He finds this inordinately amusing) My "partner in
		crime"!!! No, I call him that, but that's not really
		what he is. We don't really commit crimes together
		of any kind. That's just a ghastly and unacceptable
		phrase that I like to use sometimes. So, anyway,
		I and my, as I say, "partner in crime!" ... (Wipes 
		eyes) Honestly! ... are now going to demonstrate
		the right way and the wrong way to treat a couple
		of young children who have come round on
		Hallowe'en a-trick or treating.

	Hugh is waiting wearing something rather odd and 
	looking very excited.

Hugh		That's right!!! Now, we're going to play it like this.
		Firstly we're going to show you the Wrong Way,
		that's THE WRONG WAY, and then we're going
		to show you the Right Way. I'll say that again ...

	He doesn't.

Stephen		Good. So all we need now is to wait for the
		doorbell to ring.

	They wait.

Stephen		Nice carpet, Hugh. Tideyman's?

Hugh		Who else, if you'll pardon the pun.

Stephen		What pun?

Hugh		Oh, wasn't there one? Sorry.

	Doorbell rings.

		Ah, the door.

Stephen		We'll answer it, shall we?

Hugh		Sounds like a hot suggestion to me.

	They answer the door. Two children stand without,
	wearing Hallowe'en masks.

Child 1		Trick or treat, mister.

Hugh		Ah!

Stephen		Toh!

Hugh		Let me see, did we prepare a little bag of jelly
		beans out back?

Stephen		We most certainly did, I'll go fetch them.

	Hugh is left alone with the children. He ruffles the hair 
	of one of them.

Hugh		So. You fond of football, young shaver-snapper?

Child 2		Yeah.

Hugh		Do you fancy Arsenal this year?

Child 2		No way. I quite fancy my sister though.

Hugh		(Disconcerted) Ahmm ... er ...

Stephen		(Coming through) There we go.

	He ruffles their hair.

Child 1		Ta.

Hugh		Bye now.

	Stephen shuts the door and smiles.

		That was the wrong way. THE WRONG WAY!!
		Now for the RIGHT WAY. I won't say that ever
		again. The Right Way, the RIGHT Way.

Stephen		Nice pun, Hugh. Tideyman's?

Hugh		Who else, if you'll pardon the carpet.

Stephen		What carpet?

Hugh		Oh wasn't there one? Sorry.

	Doorbell rings.

		Ah, the hot suggestion.

Stephen		We'll answer it, shall we?

Hugh		Sounds like a door to me.

	They answer the door: two children stand without,
	wearing Hallowe'en masks.

Child 1		Trick or treat, mister.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		WHAT did you say?

Child 1		Trick or treat.

Hugh		Trick or treat?

Stephen		Trick or treat?

Hugh		Come here.

Stephen		Both of you. NOW!!!

	The children approach. A bit scared.

Hugh		(Hurling child number one bodily out of the door) This
		is England, not America.

Stephen		(Doing the same to number two) NOT AMERICA!!
		You understand?

	Both children have flown out of the door.

		You see? A right way, and a wrong way.

Hugh		We thank you.

Stephen		Limply.

Hugh		(With an electronic organiser) Ask
		me anything, a telephone number,
		what time it is in Adelaide. Tell
		you what, I can tell you exactly
		what I'll be doing on the third
		of August 1997, say. Hang on
		(Presses a few buttons). Nothing.
		See, it says. Nothing.