Where Eagles Dare

Hugh		You know that scene in Where Eagles Dare?

Stephen		Which scene?

Hugh		The one where Richard Burton is pretending to be
		a German agent.

Stephen		Oh yes.

Hugh		And in fact he's trying to find out the name of all
		the German agents in Britain. You know the one?

Stephen		Yes, yes. I remember it.

Hugh		Yes. That happened to me once.

Stephen		Did it, did it?

Hugh		Yes. In spades. In fact it's always happening to me.
		Lots of things from films happen to me.

Stephen		Is that right?

Hugh		You know the scene in War Games where the
		scientist calls the air-force general a pig-eyed sack
		of shit. Someone called me that the other day.

Stephen		The other day?

Hugh		Oh no, you're right. It was the same day. And Fatal 
		Attraction could have been written about me. I
		almost sued when I saw it.

Stephen		You were persecuted by a one-night stand
		were you?

Hugh		No. No. I once went to bed with Glenn Close
		though.

Stephen		That's ridiculous.

Hugh		You're right, it's completely ridiculous. I went to
		bed with Michael Douglas.

Stephen		You went to bed with Michael Douglas.

Hugh		In a sense.

Stephen		What sense?

Hugh		A completely made-up untrue sense.

Stephen		Well as it happens, I've been to bed with Michael
		Douglas in that sense.

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Well, snogged with him.

Hugh		How was it?

Stephen		I don't know. I made it up. But I'll tell you a
		really true thing that definitely happened to me,
		Kathleen Turner and Adrian Moorhouse. We were
		all lying in bed when ...

	Enter Paul Eddington very suddenly.

Paul		Immaculate, I'd say.

Hugh		I had this idea for a television
		series, which I sent to Channel
		4, in which every week people
		have to kill Noel Edmonds in
		a different way. But they said
		they were already working on
		something very similar.