Neddy PM

	A known and loved newsreader addresses the camera.


Newsreader	The House of Commons sat in stunned silence
		as the Prime Minister, Mr John ... damn, I've
		got it here somewhere, (flicks through the pages of his 
		script) Major, that's it, Mr John Major announced
		his intention to resign, saying he wanted to spend
		more time with his collection of miniature fire
		engines. His replacement, a Mr Neddy Muldoon
		of Orchard Lane, St Neots, has been elected
		unopposed by the Parliamentary Conservative
		Party.

	Cut to a news conference: Hugh addressing the press.
	Stephen stands slightly to one side.

Hugh		Good heavens. Not a bad turnout, eh Jack?

Reporter 1	Mr Muldoon?

Hugh		Yes, over here. I'm Muldoon.

Reporter 1	Mr Muldoon, what is your position on Europe?
		Do you see yourself as a federalist?

Hugh		Oh, er ... crikey. Federalist is as federalist
		does, that's always been my watchword.

Reporter 1	Does that mean you'll be advocating the German
		model in future discussions?

Hugh		Er ... (to Stephen) Jack, a boy from Trenton
		House is screaming "Howzat" in my face ...

Stephen		(Sotto voce) I believe very strongly in the notion
		of peace through strength.

Hugh		So do I.

Reporter 1	You do what?

Hugh		I believe in what Jack just said. Peace through
		strength.

Stephen		And if it becomes necessary ...

Hugh		If it should, at any time, in the future, become
		necessary ...

Stephen		To protect the interests of this country ...

Hugh		To protect, in a manner of speaking after a
		fashion, the interests of this country ...

Stephen		We will not hesitate to invade Poland ...

Hugh		We will not hesitate to invade ... excuse me for
		a moment, everyone. (To Stephen) Jack, you sure
		that's not pitching it a little strong?

Stephen		It's what we agreed.

Hugh		We?

Stephen		Your supporters, Neddy. We agreed.

Hugh		But Jack, I'm not altogether sure that I can ...

	Stephen produces the Stanley knife.

		Hello, I see you've still got the knife I gave
		you. Doing all right is it? Useful?

Stephen		Extremely useful, Neddy, thank you.

Reporter 1	Mr Muldoon, did you say that you were prepared
		to invade somewhere?

Stephen		No no. Crikey no. No, little misunderstanding,
		that's all. No, I've always thought that the best
		way to work these sort of things out is to sit
		round a table - although you could also sit along
		the side of a table, it doesn't have to be a round
		table - and just have a bit of an old chat and a
		head scratch.

	Stephen stabs Hugh: shouting and commotion. Hugh 
	falls to the ground and looks up at Stephen.

		Jack?

Stephen		Yes, Neddy?

Hugh		Someone's gone and stuck a knife in me.

Stephen		The police are after them now, Neddy.

Hugh		Jack?

Stephen		Yes Neddy?

Hugh		I want you to have my lawnmower.

Stephen		I had a blue hat once but a dog
		ate it up, shredded it to bits he
		did. I went to him and said "Look
		here this dog has eaten my hat."
		He said, "I don't bloody care." So I
		said, "I don't like your attitude," he
		said "It's not my 'at 'e chewed, it's
		your 'at 'e chewed." My uncle used
		to tell me that in the bath before he
		was arrested.