Horrormen

	Stephen and Hugh are seated at a table in a restaurant,
	holding large menus. Rather bookish; spectacles, tweeds 
	etc. All four of their eyes are closed all the time, in a 
	revolting, condescending sort of a way.


Stephen		How nice. How absolutely delightful.

Hugh		Charming. Quite charming. A charming restaurant.

Stephen		A charming as you say restaurant.

Hugh		Quite delightful.

Stephen		I think one of my most favourite quite delightful
		restaurants.

Hugh		I agree. I agree. I do. I really do agree.

	A waitress approaches.

Waitress	Are you ready to order?

	Hugh and Stephen cock their heads.

Hugh		Did you say something?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		I thought I heard ...

Stephen		I rather think it may have been a member of
		the restaurant staff.

Hugh		Ah.

	Stephen and Hugh reach into their pockets and pull out 
	pairs of half-moon spectacles, put them on, and peer at 
	the waitress.

Hugh		Aahh.

Waitress	Are you ready to order?

Hugh		I will have the melon, followed by the roast
		lamb.

Waitress	Melon, lamb. And you, sir?

Stephen		I will have the soupe de poisson, and the roast
		lamb also.

Waitress	Fish soup. Lamb.

Stephen		I'm so sorry.

Waitress	Yes?

Stephen		What did you just say then?

Waitress	Fish soup, lamb.

Stephen		Mmm. Perhaps I didn't make myself absolutely
		clear. I would actually like the soupe de poisson.

Waitress	Soupe de poisson is fish soup.

Stephen		Oh dear.

Hugh		Oh deary me.

Stephen		Was I speaking too quickly for you?

Hugh		You seem to be a little confused.

Stephen		I asked for soupe de poisson.

Hugh		Soupe de poisson.

Waitress	Soupe de poisson is fish soup.

Stephen		No. No.

Hugh		No no no no.

Stephen		I obviously lost you. Soupe de poisson is soupe de 
		poisson.

Hugh		D'you see?

Stephen		One thing cannot be another thing. And when
		you advertise soupe de poisson, and I order soupe de 
		poisson, it means, to put it very simply, that I would
		like you to bring me soupe de poisson.

Hugh		And some mineral water.

Waitress	Mineral water.

Stephen		Thank you.

Hugh		Thank you very much indeed.

	Waitress exits. Stephen and Hugh return their spectacles 
	to their pockets, and close their eyes again.

Stephen		What a charming restaurant.

Hugh		Absolutely delightful.

	Waitress returns and puts a bottle of mineral water 
	on the table.

Waitress	Mineral water.

Stephen		Oh dear.

Hugh		Oh waitress?

	Stephen and Hugh don their spectacles again.

Stephen		Waitress?

Waitress	Yes?

Hugh		Can you remember what it was that I asked for?
		I think I saw you write it down, did you write it
		down?

Waitress	Yes, Mineral water.

Hugh		Bravo.

Stephen		Excellent, well done.

Hugh		But you have brought us a bottle of mineral water.

Stephen		Do you see? (Pointing to the bottle) These are
		called bottles.

Hugh		We asked for mineral water.

Stephen		Mineral water. Just as you carefully wrote down
		on your small pad.

Waitress	How much mineral water?

Hugh		Some.

Stephen		Some mineral water is how much we asked for
		I believe.

Hugh		Some.

Waitress	Some?

Stephen		But we can check precisely what it was we asked
		for. We always tape our conversations against just such
		a contingency.

	Stephen rewinds a cassette.

Tape		"Man: Get out the pair of you, you snotty 
		wankers ..."

Stephen		Ah, no. That was the restaurant we were in yesterday.

Hugh		A delightful restaurant it was too.

Stephen		Quite delightful. Here we are.

	Fast forwards.

Tape		"Hugh: And some mineral water.
		Waitress: Mineral water?"

Hugh		You see?

Stephen		Some.

Hugh		No mention of bottles.

Waitress	Shall I bring it in a jug?

Stephen		My suggestion is that you should bring us mineral
		water in a jug when we have asked for mineral water
		in a jug, until then, perhaps you would be so kind as
		to bring us some mineral water.

Hugh		All right?

Stephen		Thank you.

	Exit waitress.

Hugh		What a delightful restaurant.

Stephen		Quite delightful.

	Waitress enters with a pipette. She carefully squeezes
	a drop in front of each of them.

Hugh		Thank you.

Stephen		Delightful.

Hugh		I wonder, my dear, is there a gents' nearby. I'm
		rather desperate for a pee.

Waitress	Well ... there is one, but it was out of order
		earlier on. I'll just check.

	Waitress disappears.

Stephen		Charming waitress, do you see?

Hugh		This is right. Simply charming.

	Waitress enters with a small green pea, which she 
	places in front of Hugh.

		Um ...

Stephen		Er ...

Hugh		You really must excuse my stupidity, but ...

	Waitress takes tape recorder.

Waitress	You asked for it. Listen.

Tape		"Hugh: I'm rather desperate for a pee ..."

Hugh		Ah ...

Stephen		Err ...

Hugh		(As policeman) People often ask 
		what we keep under our helmets. 
		Well, I'll show you. (Takes off his 
		helmet and looks very pleased with 
		himself - puts his hand on top of his 
		head and feels around) Hold up, some 
		bastard's nicked it.