Introduction

Stephen		Hugh, my old china serving bowl, it seems that we're pretty
		much in the position of having to say "Here we are again."

Hugh		Stephen, my old styrofoam cushion whose wedge-shape guarantees
		relief from the misery of lower back pain, you've never said a
		truer word.

Stephen		We sit here, do we not, like coiled springs, gazing down the
		comedy tunnel ahead of us, settling our spikes into the
		starting blocks and cocking our ears to the starter's pistol.
		Before us, the hurdles and water-jumps of three and a half
		hours' worth of comedy material, the first forty minutes to be
		run in lanes - ecstasy, pain, triumph, disaster, who knows what
		awaits at the further end?

Hugh		My hope is that, win or lose, at least there'll be a steaming
		mug of hot Lucozade, and maybe one of those aluminium blankets
		of the sort that help prevent athletes from not wearing
		aluminium blankets.

Stephen		Hugh, as always, your words fill me with a ferocious desire to
		be somewhere else.

Hugh		Well, violent reader, as I'm by way of being the person to the
		left of the dealer, it falls to me to welcome you to this book
		or ...

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		... this book or ...

	Hugh thinks for a moment, tilting his head to the light in a way that 
	might remind the casual onlooker of a young Arthur Mullard.

		There's no other word for "book", really, is there?

Stephen		Not one that need detain us for more than the fewest of
		moments, Hugh, no.

Hugh		So welcome to this book. And let me begin by saying, don't read
		it straight away.

Stephen		A strange piece of advice, old friend, and yet ...

	Stephen pauses, tilting his head to the light in a way that might 
	remind a young Arthur Mullard of an old Trevor Francis.

Hugh		And yet?

Stephen		And yet I've ridden too far with you, known you too long, been
		at your side in too many tight corners not to doubt that you
		have your reasons.

Hugh		My reasons are almost painfully simple.

Stephen		I suspected they might be.

Hugh		This book is more than it appears.

Stephen		You mean less, surely?

Hugh		I mean more, dammit. Much, much more. It contains traps,
		conceits, windows on to other worlds, and almost no crosswords.
		I advise you to lay it on its side in the middle of your
		living-room and walk around it , sniffing, probing, prodding.
		But whatever you do ... NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT.

Stephen		Even for a second.

Hugh		Even, as you rightly point out, for a second.

Stephen		I'd like to add something at this point.

Hugh		Let me suggest seventeen and twelve.

Stephen		(after some thought) Twenty-nine.

Hugh		Good. But to return to the matter in hand. Books, I always like
		to shout, can be divided into two categ ...

Stephen		I don't do dividing.

Hugh		Ng ... into two categories. Books for reading and books for
		skimming, dipping and grazing.

Stephen		That's beautiful. That is actually beautiful.

Hugh		I think it fair to say that this book, our book, falls heavily
		and with a sickening thud, jarring the table and spilling some
		of that very nice medium dry sherry, into the second category.

Stephen		Correct.

Hugh		And we're proud of that. That's not to take anything away from
		the first categ ...

Stephen		I don't do taking away either.

Hugh		Hng ... I suppose what I'm trying to say is this ... here, let
		me show you ...

	Hugh mimes what he is driving at ... rather well.

Stephen		Exactly! That's absolutely right. That, above all, is the point
		we wanted to drive home, snog briefly in the porch and then
		take upstairs for a quick round of banal sex.

Hugh		Banal sex?

Stephen		Bexactly.

	Hugh and Stephen break off for a moment, tilting a pair of Arthur 
	Mullards towards the light in a way that reminds them of what has to be 
	said next.

Hugh		I've got it. There's the old warning song, isn't there?

Stephen		Of course! That's it! How could you have been so stupid?

Hugh		I don't know. I really don't.

Stephen		Well get on with it. The ladies and gentlemen are waiting ...

Hugh		It goes like this. One afternoon while I was out brushing my
		teeth, I met a man called Palfrey, who claimed to be our legal
		adviser from the legal department, specifically the section
		that deals with legal matters and issues pertaining to the
		whole business of the law. He legally advised me that I should
		advise you, the reader, if that is what you are, that the
		public performance of any of the material herewithcontained
		without the written permission of the authors or their duly
		appointed agents, shall not be deemed ...

	There is a pause. Not so long as to arouse comment, but let's face it,
	we've all known shorter ones.

Stephen		Not be deemed?

Hugh		I don't know. I don't suppose I shall ever know what it will
		not be deemed.

Stephen		You mean ... ?

Hugh		Exactly. At that moment, a white Nissan Sunny, its tyres
		howling in protest, rounded the corner and careered towards
		Palfrey. I made to shout a warning, but, for some reasons I
		will never understand, the words froze in my throat. I could
		only stand and watch in horror as the bonnet of the car struck
		Palfrey behind the knees, sending the little lawyer's body
		arching through the air in a bizarre arabesque of death.

Stephen		Did you call Nick Ross?

Hugh		Of course. But for Palfrey, it was a lifetime too late.

Stephen		What a ghastly story.

Hugh		I know.

Stephen		And so badly told.

Hugh		You're quite right.

Stephen		Well heigh ho. The time has come for us to take up a bottle of
		Sainsbury's cooking champagne and smash it over the bows of
		this book ...

Hugh		... then watch in triumph as it slithers down the ramp into the
		oily waters of the reader's shopping bag ...

Stephen		Or back on to the shelf, as the case may be ...

Hugh		Allowing them to maunder along to another of the million or so
		comedy books currently on sale ...

Stephen		In whichever category you place yourself, may you find whatever
		it is you're looking for ...

Hugh		And may it come up to expectations when you do ...

Stephen		We love you ...

Hugh		... love you ...

Stephen		... love you ...

Hugh		... love you ...

	Stephen and Hugh grow fainter and fainter, until they have to sit down.