Avenger

	Fiona grins nervously at the camera.


Fiona		Hello.

	Pause.

		Doesn't seem to be anybody here. I expect one of them'll turn
		up in a minute.

	Pause.

		But for the time being, it rather looks as if I'm sort of ...
		on my own ...

	Stephen's voice booms out from nowhere, lots of echo.

Stephen		That's right, my dear. You are quite, quite alone.

Fiona		Who's that?

	Fiona looks round the studio. The camera zooms into odd things like 
	lamps and coffee cups. Lily Marlene starts playing, cracklingly.

Stephen		The fog has settled on the moor, and may not lift for days.

Fiona		Show yourself. Who are you?

Stephen		Come, my dear, don't say that you've forgotten?

Fiona		Forgotten who? What ...?

Stephen		Welwyn Garden City. 1974. Debenhams car park.

Fiona		Max?

Stephen		I waited, Fiona. I waited a long, long time. But you never
		came. Why didn't you come, Fiona? I waited ...

Fiona		The traffic ... I had a flat headache ... my wife turned up ...
		the fire burnt down ... oh what's the use ... oh Max, Max,
		Max ...

	Fiona collapses on to the sofa, sobbing. When she looks up, Stephen is 
	standing over her.

Stephen		I have waited a long time for this moment.

Fiona		Max, I'm sorry.

Stephen		Sorry? Sorry? You think you can leave me with three bags of
		quite heavy shopping, run off to Paris with your lover-dancing-
		boy-laughter, and then say "sorry"?

Fiona		Max, you don't understand ... I was young, I was in love ...

	Hugh comes on.

Hugh		Hello. Fiona? M'colleague. What's going on.

	Fiona and Stephen assume airs of complete innocence.

Stephen		Nothing.

Fiona		Nothing at all.

Stephen		We were just chatting.

Hugh		Fiona. You look fabulous like that. Alive. Feline. Arousing.

Stephen		No ... (pointing to Fiona) ... THAT'S Fiona.

Hugh		Oh.

Hugh		Big ones, small ones, thin ones, fat ones, stiff ones, floppy
		ones, ones that hang to the left, ones that hang to the right.
		I'm talking of course, about penises. What are they for? They
		expel waste fluids from the male bladder, they serve as a
		conduit in the process of insemination, but what else? You
		can't drive them. You can't live in them. You can't wear them.
		You can't borrow money from them at any rates, never mind
		favourable ones, so all in all, what good are they? I wrote to
		the Duchess of Kent to find out. I haven't received an answer
		yet.