Don't be Dirty

	Stephen is a genial afternoon game show host. He is flanked by Hugh 
	and Clive.


Stephen		Hello, and welcome to Don't be Dirty, the show that shows you
		don't have to be dirty. With us is Tony, three times semi-
		finalist, and Clive, keen to be clean, who got through
		unexpectedly when last week's winner, Mr Nottingham, died in a
		canoe. Tony, you to start. Will you please describe for us the
		act of fellatio, Tony - the act of fellatio - without, Tony,
		without, and I'm sure you must know the rules by now, without
		being dirty. Your time starts five seconds ago.

	"Fellatio" flashes up on the screen.

Hugh		This is an act, an act that takes place between two people,
		possibly of opposite sexes, but possibly not ...

Stephen		Oooh, careful, Tony ...

Hugh		... whereby one of the participants takes a part of the other
		participant's person into the place where they might more
		commonly keep bubble gum, say, and proceeds to masticate ...

Stephen		Oooh, Tony, I thought you'd gone there. You're playing with
		fire, man ...

Hugh		... until the other participant arrives at a state of
		pleasurable relaxation. The second participant then gives the
		first participant ten quid and goes back home.

	A gong sounds.

Stephen		Unbelievable. Can no one beat the big man from Hunstanton?
		Clive, it's up to you. Your topic is the preservation of hard
		woods, and your time starts ... then.

	"The Preservation of Hard Woods" flashes up.

Clive		Well, this is a very necessary business ...

	A buzzer sounds.

Stephen		Tony's challenged.

Hugh		Business.

Stephen		Business, yes, you did say it, Clive. Little bit dirty, there,
		one point away, but plenty of time to go.

Clive		... operation that has to be carried out if developers are not
		to rase your hard woods to the grounds and ...

	Hugh buzzes again.

Stephen		Another challenge from our reigning champion. The nature of
		your challenge, Tony, please.

Hugh		He said "rase".

Stephen		He did say "rase", Tony.

Hugh		Rase is an anagram of arse.

	Clive is furious with himself.

Stephen		Rase is an anagram of arse, it is, it is, it is. So sorry
		Clive, but we do have to lose you. You were Keen to be Clean,
		but you came up against a man very much on the top of his form.
		We say goodbye.

Clive		Oh, piss.

Stephen		Now, Tony, you've been in this position before. You keep the
		Don't be Dirty Sweatshop and Neck, you keep the 800 pounds in
		weight. They're yours to keep. No one can take them away from
		you, AS OF RIGHT, they are yours and yours alone. If anyone
		touches them or tries to appropriate them you would be
		justified in taking extreme and violent measures of self-
		protection. But, I'm offering you 600 more pounds or a chance
		to go into another Don't be Dirty Daily Double with a chance to
		win ten pounds.

Hugh		I'll go for the daily double.

Stephen		I knew you'd say that, Tony. You're a sport, quite a sport. But
		do remember you KEEP the prizes you've already won. They're
		yours. No one else's. Yours. You're clear on that?

Hugh		I'm clear, Bradley.

Stephen		Alright. So long as that's clear. They're yours to keep. Yours.
		Now. Can we have our Don't be Dirty Daily Double categories on
		the board, please? Your three categories are (as they come up 
		on the big board) "rimming", "genital torture" and "David
		Vine".

Hugh		Ooh.

Stephen		Remember it is a Daily Double, so two subjects. I must hurry
		you as you take your time. Just take your time, very quickly.

Hugh		Hard. It's very hard. I think "genital torture" and "David
		Vine" please.

	Lights go down. Stephen suddenly gets very quiet and serious.

Stephen		Tony. You have thirty earth seconds in which to talk about
		genital torture and David Vine without being dirty and your
		thirty seconds start ...

	Stephen looks at his wristwatch.

		... damn - missed that one - coming up. Coming up. Your thirty
		seconds start - now! 

Hugh		A certain class of person exists who derives some kind of
		undefined pleasure in inflicting quite excruciating pain upon
		the parts of their bodies which are designed to be hidden
		inside pants and vest. To this end nipple-clamps and scrotal
		compressors are deployed, as well as a variety of serrated
		needles which can be inserted down the channels and pipe-work
		which constitute the organs of generation. Presenting various
		sporting events, most especially the world snooker finals from
		the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, David Vine combines relaxed
		and informative presentational skills with a clear expertise on
		the game. He ...

	Claxon sounds.

Stephen		Oh Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. "On the game"! You said "on the
		game". You were dirty, Tony, and that's a pity.

	Hugh hits his head.

Hugh		I was dirty. I was dirty. Shite-arsed damn.

Stephen		Only four seconds left and you were dirty. Well, David Vine was
		obviously going to be a category which could trip up even a
		seasoned Don't be Dirty finalist like yourself. I'm afraid you
		lose the prizes you've won this week, and everything from the
		weeks before. You repay to us your travel expenses and you go
		away empty-headed. You knew the risks.

Hugh		I did. I did.

Stephen		But Tony, tell me. Did you enjoy yourself? Has it been a
		pleasure?

Hugh		It's been a huge one, a really big one. I've pleasured myself a
		great deal.

Stephen		I'm glad to hear it. Until next week, ladies and gentlemen. And
		remember.

Both		Don't be dirty!