by: Brian Robinson

Have you been thinking about playing the Stock Market lately? Do you want a good tip? Purchase stock in GAP for kids, or any kids clothing merchandiser for that reason. Why? It’s because of the big muscle men buying their new spring wardrobe. Since the tight-shirt thing is in for them, these stores stocks are on the rise. This world is split up in fourths, males, females, muscle men, and the hot stuff that these muscle men think they are. These men buy any T-shirt or piece of apparel that they want, just like any other person, but these guys think, for some reason, they have to buy the clothing three sizes too small. You’d think that they would learn after so many have been hospitalized. It seems that the collars of these tight shirts cut off the circulation to what is left of their brains and they pass out. I don’t see what the point of buying these shirts is; it’s a waste of money if you can only wear them once. You see, these muscle men have such big heads that they can get the shirts on but they can’t pull them back off. Usually a pair of scissors will do the task, but in the extreme case of Mr. Universe contenders and some football players, the Jaws of life are needed to come and free the guys from their threads. Many of these men have reported that they didn’t realize that they were buying a shirt so small, but what can you expect as an excuse from men who are depriving villages around the world from their idiots. That’s right, most of these guys aren’t too bright either, which also helps explain why they think they look good in those second skin shirts. “Most of the unused muscle in your brain is distributed throughout the rest of your body once the muscle growth from lifting occurs,” says Dr. Michael Frankfurter. “This explains the primate structure of the muscle men’s skulls and their Neanderthal-like eating habits.” Some bad things have occurred due to the recent growth in tiny t-shirt purchasing – such as the loss of many still-good clothes because of the need to be cut from a big guy gasping for air. Good things that have happened are losses of many stupid people as the steroid monsters fall victim to suffocation from tight collars. Forty-four men in the US died last year from related incidents, and all of these men were less than 6 foot tall and weighed more than 300 pounds. One of the men happened to be Bruno “Big Dog” Buchefsky, the spokesperson for the pink bunny rights group. Bruno happened to be wearing a shirt that was made for a four year old when he suffocated. The doctors tried frantically to remove it, but not even the Jaws of Life could cut through the fur of Elmo from Sesame Street who was pictured on the front of Bruno’s shirt. Bruno’s last words were, “I knew I should’ve bought Oscar the Grouch instead.” What is the deep urge for these larger than average and not the sharpest knives in the drawer men to buy these shirts of such disproportional sizes? When surveyed, 20% answered in these exact words: “It’s not as much to clean when I slop all over myself while eating.”, 30% answered with “Since they’re small, I can fit more in my closet.”, and the majority, equaling out to 50%, answered with: “It wasn’t this small when I bought it, it must’ve shrunk in the wash.”

® copyright 1999 Brian Robinson

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