ELECTION PAKISTAN

A SMILE PAGE BY TARIQ
CREATED DURING
1997 ELECTIONS

Send your comments at.tariq@journalist.com

BENAZIR BHUTTO said in the first session of National Assembly:

Bring here, right here.......... the horse who drinks MILK.

Bring here...... the horse who eats CHOCOLATES.

Bring here......the horse who eats MARMALADE......."

-------- Someone shouted from the back benches....." Bring Hamid Nasir Chattha here..."

THE BUGGED ONES

Some of the CODE NAMES given by BENAZIR's personal Telephone Tapping Intelligence Agency to the 'targetted' individuals:

JUDGES: Blind Men

Justice Sajjad Ali Shah: BM-1

Justice Salim Akhtar: BM-3

Justice Ajmal Mian: BM-13

Mian Nawaz Sharif: GUEST

Mushahid Hussain: Smooth Operator

Maulana Fazlur Rehman: WOLF

Wasim Sajjad: Wiseman

Information Adviser of the President, Khwaja Ejaz Sarwar: MOVIE-1

Uncle Ghulam Mustafa Jatoi: JT-1 & JT-2 (a double honour)

Senator Nasreen Jaleel ofMQM: SEA WEEDS

Ms. Saba of MQM: HOT BED

Mir Afzal Khan: EVENING STAR

Raja Nadir Parvez: PANTHER

Nawaz Sharif's THREE MUREE 'Hidouts':

1. SIRRI PAYA

2. ROGHNI NAN

3. BADAMI SHERBAT

Ardeshir Cowasjee- DAWN

Voters of Election 97

A wise-man, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: "I pray for all".

A Solicitor wrote underneath:"I plead for all".

A Doctor added: "I prescribe for all".

And, a simple VOTER like me wrote: "I pay for all".

Arif Salahuddin-Singapore

"The Supreme Court upheld the dissolution order of Farooq Legharito dismiss the Benazir government."

BENAZIR's VERSION:

For the 4th time a Prime Minister from Sindh has not been restored.

NAWAZ SHARIF's VERSION:

Among the last 5 Prime Ministers only ONE was not corrupt.

You know what is going to happen in February next...? 90-Days Care Taker Government will be followed by a 90-Days Elected Government.

Prof.Iqbal Ismail-Karachi

NAWAZ SHARIF is getting very serious now about picking a presidential candidate for the next term. He says he wants someone who's young and charismatic and comfortable with the PPP's agenda. His first choice is ASIF ZARDARI.

Sindh Government announced having given relief to the MQM (Altaf) on the eve of elections….….. and in this process it released dozens of MQM (Haqiqi) and PPP workers from various prisons.

Rubina Ahmed-Karachi

New slogans for the QAZI's DHARNA campaign:

You can't spell IHTISAB without H-I-S-A-B.

"ZAALMO QAZI GA RAHA HEY"

It's like respecting for your great-great-grandpa.

Out with the QAZI, and in with BAZI.

He's a one-man Government Demolishing Machine!

'What He Actually Wanted to Say on Dec 25'

SUMMARY OF FAROOQ LEGHARI's 80MINUTE BI-LINGUAL TV SPEECH

1. I support Presidential System.

2. Aged MERAJ KHALID is unable to speak for 80 minutes...non-stop.

3.I had been a Minister for Finance in a previous government.

4.Eating up 'National Exchequer' through FOOD STAMPS is better than minting money through Zakat Fund.

5.My Aitchison accent is as good as BENAZIR's Oxford accent.

Tell a friend about this site!

'Lesser evil' NAWAZ SHARIF has struck a deal with LEGHARI to allow him remain in his house for another term. But....beware LEGHARI!....First ask QAZI how NAWAZ keeps his promises.

JAMEEL JAFARY-Karachi

Ardeshir Cowasjee wrote this week ….."Has everyone conveniently forgotten that Nawaz was a disaster , that robbery-wise he outdid Benazir in his first term? But now, in comparison with Benazir's second term, he was a bumbler and a bungler, nowhere matching her quality. In his second term he may again overtake her."…… Doesn't Cowasjee sounds like QAZI HUSSAIN AHMED pulling out his party out of elections?

HIRA TARIQ-Karachi

The President (FAROOQ LEGHARI) has gathered together a team of batchmates and friends, many of whom are more loyal to him and to themselves than to the country. It is said that LEGHARI's first priority is to secure another term in office, and that he is working towards this. Nothing extraordinary in that. GIK (Ghulam Ishaq Khan) too suffered from the same malaise . Men like General Cincinnatus and General de Gaulle do not come by the dozen.

Ardeshir Cowasjee/ DAWN

MERAJ KHALID , is a well-meaning man. He grew up in the Kasur district , near the Indian border, where of economic necessity , every second man is a smuggler. In the past he has helped friends in need, an admirable quality. If some he defended were smugglers, so be it.

Ardeshir Cowasjee/DAWN

Top 10 Ways NAZWAZ SHARIF Can Sabotage a PML (N) public meeting:

10. Empty out the entire premises by having SARTAJ AZIZ sing national anthem.

9. Right after taking the podium, declare full-scale PML (N) war against Jamaat Islami and its 'agent' Farooq Leghari.

8. Promise to give more grant to the 'agencies' to conduct more operation clean-ups.

7. Offer ASIF ZARDARI governorship of the PUNJAB province.

6. Switch his speech notes with Aitezaz Ahsan.

5. Ask Tahira Sayyed to re-marry Naeem Bukhari.

4. Divert media attention by attempting to jump from 60 feet high stage.

3. Announce Hasan Nawaz Sharif to be his Crown Prince .

2. Announce another Yellow-Cab 'scam'.

1. Somehow get GHQ involved.

So were we all watching the Farooq Leghari speech tonight? ... That suspense -- right on the edge of your seat. But ended up like someone read a blank paper. It's like an episode of NTM's 'JAAL' repeated 150th time.

(Sultan Naseer/ Karachi)

Tell a friend about this site!

Boy, the Senate is gettin' busy everyday . And I don't mean that like the young kids' (expression). They're trying to catch up. They're in a big hurry because apart from flying fists at each other and taking care of loudly outspoken Irshad Haqqani they didn't pass anything this term, or hardly anything, and now the thing is ending and the election is coming, so they're trying to pass every bill which they deem the new winners wouldn't like…..... But even though they're in a hurry they have not forgotten their manners. When it comes to cutting benefits, pensioners, clerks, women and children are still first.

(Saleem Arshad Fayyazi/ Lahore)

Top 10 ways MAULANA NOORANI (JUP) is Preparing For The Elections.

10. Going into the shop for a pacemaker tune-up and blood change.

9. Agonizing over whether he'll support Musarrat Shaheen in D.I.Khan Constituency.

8. Doing one-arm pushups with QAZI HUSSAIN AHMED.

7. Same routine every day: wake up, chew a dozen betal leaves (paan), watch a little tube, spend a few hours at the dressing table.

6. Postponing his all Holland and Germany trips till Feb 3 night.

5. Gluing a recently passed kidney stone onto a white-gold ring in his left hand finger.

4. Searching for his photographs in the morning newspapers and being sad.

3. Searching for his photographs in the eveningers and being happy.

2. Telephoning Shah Farid-ul-Haq to help him wear the 20 kg black gown .

1. Singing new JUP Election Slogans in low pitch 6000 watts PMPO voice .

Hamid Nasir Chattha has four names on his list short list for the governorship of the four provinces . He hasn't released the names. He is keeping them secret. You know, probably so they won't flee the country.

Some sad news. The oldest woman in the world passed away last week. That's right, Mary Thompson, 120 years old, passed away. You know, I'm a little tired tonight, so why don't you kids go ahead and make up your own Fazlur Rehman/Mussarat Shaheen joke?

I'm sure you know the Jamaat is getting away from the PML(N). So don't forget -- turn your clocks back 400 years.

When Nawaz Sharif offered the job to Mushahid Hussain, he told Mushahid, "You've been on my radar screen for 1000 days; you just didn't know it." What Mushahid also didn't know is that the other candidate, Akram Sheikh, had radar detectors and got the hell out of there.

The big suspense so far down there in Islamabad -- on the election day….will President Leghari wear a navy blue suit or a dark gray sherwani?

The Jmaat is very proud of its public meetings because it's smoke-free. They're very proud of that -- it's a smoke-free convention. It's also minority-free and PML-free.

According to the latest estimates, I believe PML(N) leads PPP. Nawaz Sharif is so confident of victory in February that he's already lining up dates for the week-long kulcha-qawwali programmes.

The caretakers arrested 1 1,111 criminals belonging to the previous ruling party before the elections. ... Ninety percent of the them described themselves as innocents. And the other 10 percent described themselves as extremely innocents.

MY Top 10 Ways To Get Yourself Kicked Out Of PPP Public Meeting at Nishtar Park.

10. Walk around naked except for a strategically placed "BHUTTO" handbill.

9. Shout, "The Karachiites cast all their votes for MQM!"

8. Use the first 2 minutes of your speech to call out ONE…TWO…THREE, the Altaf Hussain way.

7. Every time you see a Zardari poster, say, "I thought he was dead!"

6. Limit speakers to five minutes per speech and two slogans per minute.

5. Introduce Benaziras "Fateh-e-Karachi."

4. Yell, "Clear a path to the buffet table! Nasir Chathha's coming through!"

3. Surprise Nasirullah Babar with playful yet powerful head butt.

2. Announce over P.A. system, "N.D.Khan, please meet your second wife at Gate Number Three."

1. Shout a Shaheed Bhutto Group slogan in Sultan Rahi style.

NAWAZ SHARIF is now saying that in the event he's elected, that he's our Prime Minister after the '97 election, he's thinking that he may make a trip to China, Japan, USA and Gawalmandi. ... Apparently he's serious, because I understand he's already started looking at menus.

(NAEEM ASHRAF CH.-Lahore)

According to a recent poll regarding politics in the Pakistan, only 8 percent of Pakistani men would trade places with Asif Zardari. That's interesting, isn't it? Only 8 percent. However, that number soars dramatically -- to 60 percent -- when the guys in the survey were told they wouldn't necessarily have to be married to Benazir Bhutto.

(SHENAZ RAZA-Karachi)

An art exhibit in Liyari -- true story -- features a huge statue of Benazir Bhutto. There was actually an odd moment, when a group of PPPsupporters gathered around the statue and started chanting, "Ten more kilos, Ten more kilos..."

Proposed IMRAN KHAN's bumper stickers

ASK ME ABOUT MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN

DONT ASK ME ABOUT JAMIMA'S FATHER

HOW'S MY PULSE AND BREATHING? CALL 111-222-119

VOTE FOR NAWAZ OR BENAZIR

We were just watching the gymnastics. Very, very exciting. Here's a little test about gymnastics, test your knowledge. You know what you call it when a gymnast completely reverses himself and lands on his feet? You know what that's called? That is called a Farooq Leghari. (Rasheed/Lahore)

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