Attaque la sanité

I discovered long ago, I prefer handling things on a one-on-one basis. If one thing is preoccupying my thoughts and time, then I push everything else away. Now I sit here, at my glaring computer screen, and realize that I cannot temporarily push people away. They don't accept that, and I have ended up losing many friendships and relationships that could have possibly developed into more. I suppose I should explain...I found this summer working long hours, which left me exhausted when I came home. I either decided on cooking my lunch for the next day, or just vegging in front of the television. I had many friends calling me to go out, offers which I had to reject, and guys I had met or were seeing, would call up wanting to talk or get together. Tired and impatient, I felt they were imposing on my precious hour of relxation before bed. I brushed them off, pushed them away, and treated them unfairly. People only stay where they are wanted. So with the weekend here, late into the wee hours of the morning, I finally see that everyone has left. No one bothers anymore, no one interrupts that one hour of precious time before bed, and there are no offers to reject.

Yes, I feel alone. I was driving along the campus today, and on the grass was a blanket laid out, and two people sleeping underneath the sun's rays. He was sprawled out, his chest bare in a futile attempt to keep cool. Her head was on his chest, blond hair strewn across. They looked...comfortable. They looked like that was where they wanted to be- that that moment under the sun, was where they would stay forever. Ya, a picture book scene. Sometimes I wonder if I really am too busy for a relationship, or if I'm too scared of someone getting close.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting out at our company's picnic bench, trying to catch as much fresh air in the fifteen minutes I had, when one of the women turned to me and said: "Isn't it sad how each week we will the five days to go by fast, wanting Friday to come soon; yet on that same token, we only allow ourselves two days to actually enjoy life?" I was about to give one of those token "shoot the shit" kind of response, when all of a sudden I realized just how sad that was. I began to realize why time went by so slowly as a child. As kids, each day is relaxing and fun. Each day sparks new life- each day I would wake up to the sun coming in, get on the phone and ask my best friend if she wanted to come out and play. The days didn't drag on, but I did not will my bed time to come. I wanted more hours in the day to play, I thought everything started happening when I went to bed. Now I dread the sun coming in, and await the dark so I can crawl into bed...Bed means a day closer to the weekend. Pathetic isn't it? These are suppose to be the best times of my life, and all I can think of is when I can lie down, shut my eyes, and dream. Seems lately, the best times of my life, are when I float away, and dream of the unexpected.