Hello and welcome to Stormi's Joke Page. I began this page a while back and then quit because I just got too busy to keep up with it and it never worked right. Since then I've made some friends who send me jokes continuously. My hard drive is getting full just from saving them all so I am going to put them all here. If you would like to have your joke added just email it to me and I will gladly stick it up here with the rest.

If you try to print a single joke on this page....it won't work. You will have to highlight and copy and then paste to notepad in order to print it singularly. I know it's a pain but you should try copying this stuff from email... ugh!!

MANY OF THESE JOKES ARE AT LEAST "R" RATED IF NOT WORSE SO IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, I SUGGEST YOU VAMOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now.....without delay.....ON TO THE JOKES MAN!!!!!!!

IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your plotty disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects from gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a sauce, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

There is this penguin that is driving along and his car breaks down. He pulls into the gas station and the attendant says it will be awhile. It is a hot day so the attendant tells the penguin that there is an ice cream parlor down the street he can go to and he should have an answer about his car when he gets back. Well the penguin goes and has his ice cream and returns to the gas station.

The attendant comes out and says, "I have bad news, it looks like you blew a seal." The little penguin quickly starts wiping his mouth and says "No honestly, I just had some ice cream!!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

Harmonious Induction

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband  (that's what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.  You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question:

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Dopey questions.

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting: "Dopey did a penguin, Dopey did a penguin."

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) It had never been occupied.

2) That there was plenty of heat.

3) That is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Don't worry, they'll get it in the end...

**This is a "reported" article from the LA Times.  I did not make this up and I do not personally stand behind this story as being true or false.**

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake.  But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,"  Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained.  "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough.  I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, think the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next.  "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face.  It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:

10.  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . "   Ouch!!

9.  "So I peered into the tube . . ."  Aaaaaahhhhh.  I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.  That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7.  Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".

6.  People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5.  People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth.  Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, we have this cardboard tube and a gerbil named Raggot . . ."

4.  "First and second degree burns to the anus."  Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?  How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this?  And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3.  People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:  "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.  What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1.  This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

The Man Who Loved Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection  -  a baseball bat - to  the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash,"  I snapped.  Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle  bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

WHAT WOMEN SAY - what they mean:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? = there is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again

JUST NEED SOME SPACE =  without you in it

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? =  we haven't had a fight in a while

NO, PIZZA'S FINE =  you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW =  I just don't want you as a boyfriend now

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? =  I can't believe you have nothing planned

COME HERE =  my puppy does this too

I LIKE YOU, BUT =  I don't like you

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU = just not in that way

YOU NEVER LISTEN =  you never listen

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY =  I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE =  I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF =  I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE = well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS =  We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:-------------------------------------------------

I'M HUNGRY= I'm hungry

I'M SLEEPY=  I'm sleepy

I'M TIRED=  I'm tired

I'VE GOTTA PEE=  Get out of the way

I'VE GOTTA GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears

CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?=  I'd eventually like to have sex with you

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE?=  I'd eventually like to have sex with you

CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER?=  I'd eventually like to have sex with you

CAN I GET YOUR COAT?=  I'd eventually like to have sex with you

LET ME GET YOUR DOOR=  I'd eventually like to have sex with you

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

NICE DRESS!=  Nice cleavage!

YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE =  I want to fondle you

WHAT'S WRONG? =  I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this

WHAT'S WRONG? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

WHAT'S WRONG? =  I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I"M BORED =  Do you want to have sex?

I LOVE YOU = Let's have sex now

I LOVE YOU, TOO = OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now!

GOOD MORNING.=  That was great sex. Let's have more!

SEE YOU LATER= That was great sex. Let's have more!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR=  I liked it better before

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

LET'S TALK=  I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

WILL YOU MARRY ME?= I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

WILL YOU MARRY ME? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHILE SHOPPING:

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

UH HUH = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER = I'm gay.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT = I'm really stupid!

The Pampers

One time, ol' Thibedeaux (tib-eh-doe) had a Bar-B-Q in the back of his house. Well, ol' Broussard (broo-sard) saw one of Thibedeaux's children running around with a real strange outfit. Broussard said 'Hey, Thibedeaux,wot dat yor baby got on hisself?'

Thibedeaux said 'Man, dats a Pampers, cher (shah)!' Broussard said 'Wot you mean a Pampers?'

Thibedeaux said 'It's like a diaper, but you don' got to wash it, you don' got to fol' it - you jus' tro'ed it away.'

Broussard said 'WHOO MAN! I need ta gots me some o' dem Pampers!'

The next weekend, ol' Broussard was having a crawfish boil in the back of his house. Thibedeaux said 'Whoo man, looks like you gots some a dem Pampers on yor babies!'

Broussard said 'Yeh, I love dem Pampers, cher.  You don' gots to wash 'em, you don' gots to fol' 'em, you jus' tro'ed 'em away.'

Thibedeaux said 'Wall den, you need to change dat Pampers on dat little Pierre.'

Broussard said 'No I don'.'

Thibedeaux said 'An yes you do!'

Broussard went and picked up Pierre and shook him a little and again said 'No, I don'!'

Thibedeaux said 'Look at dat! He got de shoo-shoo come out de back o' de Pampers. He got de shoo-shoo come out de front o' de Pampers. He got de shoo-shoo run all down his legs! Man, WHY you not change dat pampers?'

Broussard said 'CAUSE! De box says its good for 18 to 23 pounds!'

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man  through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side   up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." said the woman. Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she  would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green >side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of Aggies laying sod across the street."

                     ~~~  Extra Baggage  ~~~

There once was a rich man who was dying.  While on his death bed, he tried to negotiate with God to have God allow him to bring his earthly treasures with him to heaven.

'God, please, I have worked so hard to accumulate all these riches.Can't I bring them along?"

"This is very unusual," said God, "but since you have been such a faithful steward, I will allow you to bring one suitcase."

The man immediately had a servant fill a large suitcase with gold bricks.  Shortly thereafter, he died.  When he arrived at the pearly gates, he was stopped by St. Peter.

"I'm sorry sir, but you know the rule -- 'you can't take it with you.'  You may enter, but the suitcase has to stay outside."

"But God told me I could bring one suitcase," the man protested.

"Well, if God says it's O.K. -- but I still need to examine the contents before you enter."

St. Peter took the suitcase from the man, opened it, and, looking very puzzled, said to the man, "You brought pavement?"

An elderly millionaire,feeling his oats, went to a popular Nevada bordello and told the madam that money was no object-he wanted the company of someone young and wild.

She looked him over and asked how old he was. "Ninety-three," he replied.

"Oh, boy, Pops, you've had it," said the madam with a snort.

"I have?" he said. "How much do I owe you?"

Dirty, Dirty Bird...

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.  The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.  She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.  When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.  The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces.

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you everytime!"

For Christmas 97

Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer addict whose PC has everything?  Not another Dilbert necktie, or King's Quest XLVIII.  Try one of these.

CD-ROM rewinder.  (For blondes only.)

Virtual reality beer.

NoseBlaster smell card -- the latest in multi-media technology.  The deluxe version comes with direct-feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience.

True-Type font modelled on my handwriting.  The last word in non-reversible encryption.  (May not be exported from the country.)

72-inch monitor.

20-foot mouse extension cord - a must for the 72-inch monitor.

Michael Jackson-to-Michael Jackson Morph screen saver -- endless variations.

Bedpan -- Why leave your computer just for that?  (Not for use with NoseBlaster.)

The secret to what this emoticon means - }:{o

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?

A: Some dick cut her off.

Too Shy to Say

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.  He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.  As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never  had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of  what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus?

Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

BEGIN

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her Asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning, but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing and conscious again.

She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter,sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

" Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

WIFE'S ADMISSION

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversery. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.  It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away.  But, I must know ... did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes.  Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.  With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? ... Who was he?  Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says "You."

A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one.  Here are some examples of what they submitted:

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human.  To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him.  "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be
eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he
burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"  The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Q...Do ya know what every Tickle me Elmo gets before he leaves the plant?

A...Two test tickles

Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway:

Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.

The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.

Intel - still number 0.999873464508

”Bother,” said Pooh, as he found a politician in his honey.

Sorry about the crayon. They won’t let me have sharp objects.

Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.

I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.

Things you never hear people say; “Hand me that piano.”

”Bother,” said Pooh, as he called in an air strike.

It’s a SMALL war, can I have it?

Ambidextrous: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman.

If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!

Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.

This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.

People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.

I left my tart in Aunt Fran’s Crisco.

Hi. I’m the tagline your mother warned you about.

The proverbial proprietor provides practical proverbs.

If it’s not violent, what fun is it?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

In DoubleSpace, no one can hear your data scream.

A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Please, no deja vu; I don’t want to go through that again.

Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.

Hi, I’m a tagline. When I grow up I’m gonna be a novel!

Please reply if you don’t get this message.

This product sadistically tested on gerbils.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

”Bummer,” said Pooh when Tigger dropped the joint in the honey jar.

The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.

Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

Next from Intel: the Repentium.

I did NOT escape.... they gave me a day pass.

I plan to be a late bloomer - it’s the only chance I’ve got.

”Why Johnny Can’t Read” - Now available on VHS tape.

If not for politicians, we wouldn’t NEED assault rifles.

G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.

Cat bathing is a martial art.

I’m not so much human as cat furniture.

Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.

Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for lunch.

I always wanted to be something, I wish I’d been more specific.

© Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today.

Mars needs women - no experience necessary!

”Bother,” said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats.

Yes, but you’re taking the universe out of context.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

You’re about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.

Circular definition: see definition, circular.

I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!
 
 

What’s the difference between the Spice Girls Movie and a porno movie?

The porno movie has a better soundtrack.

1.   If I like it, it’s mine.
2.   If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3.   If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4.   If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5.   If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.   If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7.   If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
8.   If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
9.   If I. . .Oops! I’m sorry, I goofed!  Instead of typing in the
Toddler Property Laws, I’ve been typing in Bill Gates’ primary
Business Plan.
 

So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no
avail.
 
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out
of my cab!" So, the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport
and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on
his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
 
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how
much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell
out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to
the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "Okay" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a
face lift.  With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several
plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.
 
The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years
because of a new technique he used.
 
After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind
each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she
noticed bags under her eyes.  Furiously she stormed into the doctor's
office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.
 
The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if
you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

 Heavenly Entrance Exam
 

The day finally arrived:  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.  The gates are
closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place
is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam
for everyone.  The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass
before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter.  I was
looking forward to this.  Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams
Shore hope the test ain't too hard;life was a big enough test as it wa

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest.  But, the test I have has
only three questions.  Here is the first:  What days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'?  Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over  .Forrest returns the
next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam
questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and
Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest!  That's not
what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I
didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."  "How about the
next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest.  "But, I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!  Twelve!  Forrest, how could
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:  January second, February
second,  March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter.  "I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind.  I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter,  "Can
you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name.  Everybody knows
it.  It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter.  "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest.
"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

An 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked
him how he was feeling.  "I've never been better!" he boasted.  "I've
got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having a child!  What
do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then
said, "Let me tell you a story.  I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season.  But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and
he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor
continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared
in front of him!  He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and
squeezed the handle."  "And do you know what happened?"  the doctor
queried.  Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".  The doctor continued,
"The bear dropped dead in front of him!"  "That's impossible!" exclaimed
the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."  "That's kind of
what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Two little boys were at school and heard the word "penis" while they were
playing on the school yard. One asked the other if he knew what a penis
was.
The kid said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.

That evening, the little boy asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?" His
dad said," Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show you". So they go into the
bathroom.   His dad lowers his pants and proudly announces," Son, that's
a penis.  Not only  is it a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"

The next day at school the little boy finds his friend and they go to the
bathroom together. The boy lowers his pants and says, "See that? That's
a penis."  He pauses for a moment and adds, "Not only is it a penis, but if
it were two inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis."

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper
sleep with?

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right!  We do taste like chicken!

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for?  She's going to eat me!

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.

What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
No...but I've been swung around by the tits.

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

Q If there were 4 potatos in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q Why don't blind people skydive?
A Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
ACuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat

Q What has four legs and an arm?
A A happy pit-bull

Q What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes
along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke...  but
the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

Q What do you call a truckload of dildos?
A Toys for twats

Q What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
A Milk and quackers.

Q What were Jeffery Dahmer's last words?
A Eat me!

Q. How do you castrate a Red Neck
A. You kick his sister in the jaw.

Q How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A It's not hard

CUTE SIGNS
 
Sign on an electrician's truck:  Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop:  We are open on labor day.
 
Non-smoking area:  If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action.
 
On Maternity Room Door:  "Push, Push, Push"
 
On a Front Door:  Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except dog.
 
Optometrist's Office:  If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
 
Scientist's Door:  Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:  We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window:  Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window:  Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot:  Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence:  "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."

Car Dealership:  The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop:  No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming.

Hotel:  "Help!"  We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window:  Pleased to meat you.

Auto Body Shop:  May we have the next dents?

Sign in an office:  We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
 
Veterinarians Waiting Room:  Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!

At the Electric Company:  "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
 
Beauty Shop:  Dye now!

Garbage Truck:  We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store:  "Out for a quick byte"

Diner Window:  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley:  Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria:  Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.  Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library:  Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home:  Drive carefully, we'll wait.
 

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Page last updated 1-21-98. 1 New Joke ADDED!!!!

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