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"Calling" Things: If you want something, like a playground swing or the last piece of pie or the chance to watch your favorite TV show, all you have to do is "call" it before someone else does. It's simple. Just be the first to say, "I get the last piece of pie." If someone challenges you, your simple retraction should always be, "No way, I called it." The Kid Honor Code says that when someone calls something, you have to give it to them. This rule applies in adulthood as well, usually appearing in the form of verbal contracts, or the act of shouting "Shotgun!" before a long car ride.
Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers: If someone drops a coin or a small toy on the floor and you pick it up, you get to keep it. Why? Because the thrill of getting something new outweighs the penalty you may receive for taking it. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, kids, and you've got to grab for all you can get. To heck with the nebulous concept of legal ownership! All that matters is who has the most toys, not how you get them. If the neighbor kids come into your yard and take your toys, it doesn't matter whether you legally own them--they get to keep them because they knew when to apply the Finders Keepers axiom, and you were dumb enough to leave them outside. This rule also works best if you are bigger than the rest of the kids.
Infinity: Kids, has this happened to you? You tell your younger brother that he's stupid. He replies, "No, I'm not;" you answer, "Yes you are." He answers back, "No, I'm not," and the cycle continues. Very boring.
Well, the Infinity rule puts and end to a lot of needless chatter. When your brother begins his "No, I'm nots," you can come back with "Yes you are--to infinity." Infinity is forever. Being called stupid to infinity is the ultimate insult, and one for which there is no dignified come back. Some will try the Infinity Plus One technique, but this is a sign of desperation. If someone tries this sorry method, use this memorized reply: "Infinity-plus-one, a common calculus problem, is a concept your tiny brain could never fathom, you big dumb stupid-head guy." It floors them every time.
Not it!: The direct opposite to calling something is yelling "Not It." When something undesirable needs to be done, like taking out the garbage, the last kid to say "Not It" has to do the chore. It's like the verbal equivalent of Musical Chairs.
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Rules of Closeness: The closer you are to a desirable thing, the more claim you have over it. For example, Grandma brings out a big bowl of caramels and sets them next to you. This officially gives you the right to eat as many of them as you want and monitor everyone else's caramel intake. Why? Because you're closest.
Conversely, the farther away you are from an undesirable thing, the less responsibility you have for it. For example, if you're watching TV with your brothers and sisters and you're on the other side of the room when the TV channel needs to be changed, someone else has to do it. Why? Because they're closer.
Jinx: When two people accidentally say the same word at the same time, the Universe gets thrown out of whack. You must compensate by yelling, "Jinx." When you jinx someone, they are to remain silent until someone says their full name aloud. By silencing someone, the Universe has time to adjust to the brief synchronous moment you and your friend have produced. Anyone who defies the Jinx law is flirting with the destruction of the Cosmos.
Armor and Germ Warfare: The rules of armor and germ warfare are especially useful when dealing with the opposite gender. Whenever someone of the opposite sex touches you, you must have acquired their germs. To get rid of them, you must touch someone of your own gender. Once you have been infected with they "boy" or "girl" germs, and have successfully passed them along, you are immune and can no longer be infected.
As a preventative measure, you should always put on you invisible armor to protect against an opposite-gender germ outbreak. Armor can be applied simply by pretending to spray yourself with an aerosol can. This armor will guard you from both boy and girl germs, as well as cooties.
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