"Are We Having Fun Yet "
By Jean M. Jones
From the May 1995 issue of TellTales Magazine
Ruth, exactly what are those certifiable fools doing up there? Look at them. They are just wandering in circles, which. hits me as the perfect way to get exactly nowhere in a boat - or any other place. Get on the VHF and tell them to get out of our way. We have a destination toreach and I see no reason to change course because of their obvious idiocy. Bridge? What bridge? You are trying to tell me they are waiting for a bridge to open. I certainly can't see any bridge. Ruth, I believe you are hallucinating. Are you taking some of your hypochondriac medicine? Stop immediately, because it is affecting your ability to serve as the sort of crew I deserve. Well, yes, I do see that bridge. But it is so low, a captain would have to steer from a flying bridge to be able to spot it. Well, Ruth, don't just stand there. Call the bridge tender and tell him we are here and we need his stupid bridge to open NOW. How dare you tell me you are not going to obey my orders! You mean to tell me it is unnecessary to call for an opening? Since when do some bridges open on a schedule? Who made up that rule? Do they expect me to join this circling herd and just wait? Well, if that's the case, you can just take this helm. No self-respecting person would sail in circles. Here, you do it. Ruth, quick, quick! There is another bridge up ahead. Call the bridge tender and find out if this is another stupid scheduled opening. Woman, why must you always argue with me? It is most unbecoming and I will not tolerate it any longer. What? There is no bridge tender. Who do they think I am, Merlin the Magician? I'm supposed to just say "Abracadabra Shazam" and the bridge magically- opens. Hurry up, Ruth, this isn't funny. We are almost there. Calm down? Calm down? Ruth, stop smirking. Is that how you react to emergency? We are about to have a serious accident. I know you are absolutely wrong. That bridge can't possibly have a 65-foot clearance. Quick, you take the wheel. Whew, that was a close one. We almost knocked off the antenna on top of to tell me it is unnecessary to call for the mast, You better get your eyes an opening? Since when do some checked when we get back. If you think we cleared it by at least 10 feet, you are off by at least 9 feet 6 inches. This looks like a decent anchorage. Hop to it and get up in the bow and drop the hook. We shall stay here for a day or two. There you go again, Ruth, argue, argue, argue. If I say drop the anchor, just do it. Don't start giving me a bunch of flack about channels. It's about time you did as I said ... and get that look off your face. Look at that powerboat heading our way. Are those two men wearing uniforms of some kind? What do they think they are, Auxiliary admirals or something? They are what? Marine Patrol officers. Why would they be coming to our boat? Ruth, have you broken some rule? You can be such an embarrassment to me. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. We will move our vessel immediately. Yes, sir, I know it is my responsibility to know where the channel is and that it is illegal to anchor in a marked channel. No, sir, it certainly won't happen again. My crew - that middle-aged woman over there - is still learning and she has a long way to go. English is not her native language and sometimes she doesn't understand all of my instructions. I shall see that she is more diligent in the future. Well, Ruth, now that I have handled that problem you caused, go to the stern and drop the dinghy. We are going to shore. I expect to see the dinghy in the water and the motor mounted by the time I have washed up and changed my shirt. Girl, when you get that look on your face, your eyes get all squinty and you get an ugly furrow between them. Sometimes it can be very depressing to look at you. Well, I'm ready now. Are you sure you didn't injure my yacht when you lowered the dinghy? Why do I think so? Because I heard an unusual sound and you usually are quite clumsy. Well, maybe it could have been the swim ladder dropping. Ruth, get that dinghy in here a little closer. Do you expect. me to walk on water to get to where you are? Oh, aren't you the funny one. No, I do not think my initials are J.C. Getting here to shore went quite well. I have difficulty understanding how you got so wet. I am as dry as though I had crossed the Sahara. Oh, don't be ridiculous! Just because, you were in the bow and I was behind you shouldn't make a bit of difference. The next time we go to shore in a dinghy, be more careful. It is slightly humiliating to walk along this sidewalk with a dripping-wet individual. You bought what, Ruth? A T-shirt? Do you really think you need another one? I suppose all the others are getting too small? Oh, it is for me. Let me see what is written on it. "I Yell the Loudest, so I Must be Captain." I hope you didn't pay more than $5 for this. Do you think the letters will fade?
