"Here We Are At The Boat Show Ruth "
By Jean M. Jones
From the January 1994 issue of TellTales Magazine
Ruth, are you ever going to find a parking space for this car? I didn't come all this distance to circle around the streets. I came for the boat show. I want you to get this car parked, I have a great many important things to do while I am here. Well, that took you long enough. I knew I should never have let you drive. I said what? I certainly did not. Why would I have insisted you drive so that I could sleep. Frankly, Ruth, I must be totally alert whenever you are at the wheel --- either in the car or on the boat. You are far, very far from perfect, my dear. There's the ticket line. It looks like it may take a while. You go stand over there while I sit on this bench. I must conserve my energy for all the walking I am going to have to do at this show. Stop complaining and do as I say. Honestly, woman, I wish you would find a new hobby. This constant whining is very difficult for those of us who are forced to listen to you. At last we are inside. Come along, Ruth. The sailboats are all over this way. No, I am not here to buy a new boat, but it doesn't cost anything extra to look. What for? Well, who knows. I will undoubtedly require a bigger boat some day in the future. That was the most obnoxious person I have ever met. How he can expect to sell anything, much less an exorbitantly priced yacht, is beyond comprehension. I notice you took your shoes off to go on board without any argument. You really should stand up for yourself, Ruth, and stop letting people walk all over you. Well, I am just not that willing to take orders from a rude, boorish nincompoop. Couldn't he tell I was wearing deck shoes, very expensive deck shoes? There wasn't a reason in the world for me to take them off, and that is why I marched right on his stupid, overpriced boat without paying any attention to him and his stupid rules. Did you get the names of those security men who came after he started blowing that ridiculous whistle of his? It may be necessary for me to write to that company about the amount of force they used. I never saw such a commotion over nothing in my life. And threatening to evict me from the whole boat show if I didn't calm down! I may have to sue to teach them a lesson. Why are you stopping at that booth, Ruth. Jewelry? You certainly don't need any jewelry, you have plenty at home. Besides, only an idiot would come to a BOAT show to buy jewelry. Yes, I see, it's all nautical. Yes, Ruth, the earrings that look like tropical fish are very attractive. Well, of course, I'm not going to buy them for you. They are meant for a much younger woman. Over here, Ruth. I have found just the perfect thing for you. Can't you tell what it is? It's a weatherfax. Well, what do you think it does? It gives you up-to-the-minute information about weather all around the world. Well, I know we hardly ever sail outside the bay, but we might do that sometime and I would think you would want to have the very latest weather information equipment. You have a real attitude problem, woman. Okay, I won't buy you the weatherfax. You can just keep on relying on the weather channels on VHF. I don't know. I try, genuinely try, to buy you something really nice --- and did you notice the price tag on it? ---and you turn me down. Ruth, where are you? I can certainly hear your shrill voice, but I can't see you. Oh, there you are. Why are you wasting time here in the galley equipment section? You're not such a great cook that you need anything more on board. You've already got the galley so crowded I can barely find a bottle opener when I'm ready for a cold one. Put down that pressure cooker. I am not going to buy you one more pot or pan. I don't care if you don't have a pressure cooker. Who needs one? They use less water and cook quicker. So you say. I don't know if I can believe you. You have certainly been wrong before. If you insist on buying something in this section, get that 12-volt blender. That way you can make me a decent frozen daiquiri when I want it. I'm sure glad we walked all the way over here, because this is it, Ruth. I have found exactly what you want and I am going to buy it for you whether you argue with me or not. You have a birthday coming up and I want you to have a really wonderful gift. What is it? Ruth, you are so dumb. Read what it says. Plotter, P-L-O-T-T-E- R, plotter. Well, what do you think it does? Yes, genius, you finally got it. It is for plotting. See, you look on this screen and you can see exactly where you are on the chart that is displayed . . . and where your waypoints are . . . and the coast . . . Well, don't get technical. You will have to read the manual to figure out how to make it work --- and I am counting on you to do just that. After all, it is going to be yours. Are you being sarcastic? Of course, I am not going to have your name engraved on it. Why do I think you want this toy? Toy? The science of navigation is advanced to this apex of perfection and you call it a toy. I am buying it for you because, well, I am buying it for you so you can . . . Don't ask so many foolish questions. I am just buying it for you because I think you should have it, and you damn well better appreciate it. Speak up, Ruth, you are mumbling, again. Well, here we are back at the car. I am really exhausted. I don't think I have walked that much in the last 10 years. Wasn't food awful --- and the prices? If you had any brains that functioned inside your skull, you would have made us sandwiches and carried a thermos of hot coffee. I suppose someday you will learn the right way to do things, but I am getting very discouraged about you. Did you lose it, Ruth? Where is the flag I bought. Oh, in the back seat. I can't wait until the first maniac passes me throwing a big wake. He'll think again about doing that when I start waving my new flag. You know what it says, Ruth --- "Thanks For The Wake, You Jerk!" You know, Ruth, there really are an awful lot of jerks out there in boats. Are you laughing?
