Fun with Deformities .... by Adam (2005)

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Everyone loves listening to others complain about health problems. I could spend hours pasted to the phone, listening to my Nana describe her arthritis. And now… yay! I have arthritis too! I think, anyway. I blame my mousepad. But it’s great because now I can boast over a dozen irritating. physical conditions. Here is a rundown of my **TOP TEN** most debilitating physical deficiencies:

10. Wart – got one on my toe. Had it removed. It came back. This is mostly a problem because it makes me self-conscious during foot massages. Or if, say, someone wanted to put my toes in their mouth… then they should avoid that toe.

9. Biting the inside of my mouth – do I really have to do this all the time? I should stop eating and walking at the same time. Or, at least, eating and walking and applying hair gel… while I adjust the stereo volume and make coffee.

8. Space-head – I have lots of days where I can’t concentrate. It’s like living half my life underwater. The coke and aspirin thing doesn’t work. Neither do 2 coffees and a chocolate bar.

7. Canker sores – these have mostly cleared up. I think they were due to a food allergy or my addiction to chili peppers. Anyway, pencil-eraser-sized white buddies drilling into my gums aren’t so pleasurable and stop me from partaking in fun-filled oral activities. (I’m very safe!)

6. Hair loss, B.O. and bad breath .... Jjust joking. I’m doing all right in these departments. Let me know if you notice any movement on these, though, ok?

5. Nail biting – yum. If you chew nails really, really quickly and then sniff them, they smell like they're burning.

4. Arthritis – this is a happy new addition to my list. It’s related to surfing porn sites, I think. Or sorry… researching political issues on the net, I mean.

3. Crappy eyesight. – if I’m not wearing contacts or glasses, you could stand in front of me jerking off a farm animal OR playing ping pong with my grandmother and I wouldn’t be able to guess which you are doing.

2. Phlegm – Each day, I produce enough to lubricate three shopping-mall escalators and a fishing vessel.

1. Insomnia – Why waste time with boring, rejuvenative sleep when you can stare at the inside of your eyelids in hours of fun-filled deprivation!

Um... I don’t think the above entry is gonna help me get dates. So, just to be fair, you should send me a message with your own favourite irritating physical condition.  

From my blog on www.downelink.com