Pig in Japan .... by Adam (1999)

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Here I am sitting in exotic Asia, living a profoundly unexotic weekend. Sure, "Japan" puts people in the mind of geisha girls, yakuza mobsters and Sumo. And I have certainly seen glimpses of it all. But I must say this weekend was bo-ring. My highlight was watching three quarters of "Legends of the Fall". Sure I've had much time to ponder life's mysteries (like, why wasn't Brad Pitt's character forced to cut his hair while in the army?) but it was short on exotic stuff. As testament to that fact, I am now washing down a mustard sandwich with a glass of water (the Shania Twain value-lunch) You can only have so much sushi before you need to fall back on good old bread - good old 45-cents-a-slice bread, that is. Anyways, here's another blast of long-winded mediocrity disguising itself as an update into a fascinating, exotic, international life.

Actually it's nice to have a chilled weekend cuz I just finished with my coworker Tessa's two week sayonara extravaganza. She had, like, 23 farewell parties in 10 days. But she finally left. and I am totally going to miss Tessa and her evil sense of humour. We all spent many an impatient hour waiting for her to curl the perfect flip into her hair before she could exit her apartment. Vanity before punctuality, she said. Words to live by.

GOOD NEWS. I scored a high school teaching job in Thailand. How did I land a real teaching job? Well, when I was in Thailand I met Mel K who is in charge of hiring for the school. She was taken by my sincere and incorruptibly honest character and told me to apply. So I fabricated a work history and fired off a couple of phony recommendation letters. Can you believe I actually have her believing that i went to university?

Obviously, I am joking (it's just a rumour that all jokes have to be funny.) Finally, I get to know what its like to score a job through a personal contact. That's a first for me. Or at least a first for jobs not involving car batteries and stickers (thanks, Dad).

So now I can relax, not having to search for a new job! No more sleepless nights, no more bedwetting, no more rectal bleeding or painful sores around my lips: I have suffered much pain this year, wondering to myself, "why hath good jobs forsaken me?" I imagined all my recently mailed-off resumes being laughed at, ripped up, and tossed in their new home in the garbage only to be christened with a warm, yellow loogy by some spiteful potential employer. But then I got this job and the sun shone anew. Bird's perched upon my arms, chipmunks danced around my feet and open sores began to heal. Back in the game, I thought, back in the game.

Upon accepting the position, I told Mel that she was making the right decision. I think she has shown sound judgment on picking me to work with high school students. In fact right now I am working away, trying to complete a gift that I am making her. It's a body suit that I think will keep her comfortable in any climate. It is made from the skins of my ex-students. They were undisciplined and regrarm spoke to me and said that they must pay for their sins. They were sloppy and lacking in motivation, just like Mother was. Anyways, Mel, you should be glad you chose me. There are a lot of weirdos out there.

This job starts on May 1 and if I stay only one year, ends in March next year (2000). This means that my cries of "Oh my gawd, what am I going to do with my life" should start ringing out around the world again, probably by about September.

So for now I am still in Japan, finishing up with my ghastly GEOS position. It will be nice to work for an organization that cares for its employees and students. GEOS treats its students with about as much care and subtlety as Monica Lewinsky shows a plate of chicken wings. And as far as teacher care goes, they would implement a program of weekly teacher beatings if they thought it would help. I have had three managers quit since I started. Many teachers, both foreign and Japanese, are following that path, as well. But don't get me wrong, I have greatly enjoyed my JOB (students, teaching, coworkers etc) I just do not agree with the company's strategies and ethics. But I have heard that our district is by far the most difficult to work for, and many others rate barely a 5.5 on the evil scale. I met the head woman for our area. She is tall and beautiful but she is the kind of woman who is so uptight she has to pull the bedsheets out of her ass every morning. I also heard that she will not stay overnight in Hiroshima because of a superstitious fear of A-bomb ghosts and spirits. The only spirits I've seen are the ones our students gorge on after a long day of being molested by sales pitches from various GEOS staffers. 

One thing I will not miss is the school's toilet. It is a hole-in-the-ground squatter with no actual toilet seat. You place your feet on either side of the hole, squat down and do your business. This is uncomfortable for me especially because I wear business clothes to work. I have not figured out what you are supposed to do with your pants. I try to shimmy them to the very bottom of my ankles, but I still fear that one day a li'l surprise will drop into the back of my trousers. I'd listen for splash sounds, but there are none because the poop lands on a flat, nearly dry, porcelain surface, where it waits patiently to be flushed. This not only has the effect of creating more smell than is necessary but also keeps me closer to my excrement than I would like. 

Although, there is the bonus of making your waste available for easy inspection. The human body is an amazing machine but I just don't understand how some things - small vegetables and such - make it through my entire digestive system and come out the other end in such pristine condition. Corn, for example - you could just run it under the water and toss it on another salad, if you wanted to. (I haven't done that.) I have also invented the Yuletide game, where I try to get the turd to land upright on the dryest part of the examination tray. Thus, with its flat base and pointed top, it resembles a Christmas tree.

You know sometimes I think I want to try and write a book or something. But I have been in Japan for nine months and all I can come up with is a few lousy letters that resort to observations about crap. Maybe there's a novel in me, but I think it might take 20 years to write and would be enjoyed only by 12-year-old boys. It does feel good to mention bowel movements in writing, however. I liken shit-talk to...well,...shit. You have to get it out of your system sooner or later, unless you are willing to put up with the stomach pains. Shall we move on to another subject?

Actually I am in good company. Apparently Thai's always talk about their bowel movements. I will try to find out. More on this in the future. 

So I will try to see as much as I can of Japan before I leave. I have been to the A bomb dome many times. It is the unrepaired skeleton of a building destroyed when the bomb fell. It chills me to stand at the base, look up, and picture the detonation overhead, killing tens-of-thousands and ushering in the nuclear age. There is kind of a matter-of-fact attitude about it here. I have talked to survivors and it does not really play a significant role in Hiroshima thinking. Hiroshima is just like other Japanese cities and the Japanese tend to think of it that way. (Impressive eh? Veering from poop to The Bomb without a single skid mark.)

There's not too much else in Hiroshima. It seemed like a huge, intimidating city when I first arrived. How I laugh at that notion now. But it is a nice, clean, efficient city populated by nice, clean, efficient people. There is a castle (I have never been), a garden (I have never been) and many, many places to shop. There is also a zoo, but it is not particularly inspirational  It is rather small and sad and consists of about four dirty monkeys and a Rhino who sits on a rock reading magazines.

Shopping is what really stands out. You would never know there was a recession. When asked the favourite Japanese small talk question, "What is your hobby?", most respond, "I like going to shopping, driving car, and listen to the music." (Finally somebody else who can hear "the music". I knew it wasn't my imagination.) So the stores are unerringly full.

So soon I will be off to Thailand. I am looking forward to:

THE FOOD - which is so spicy that I grew three pencil-eraser sized canker sores on the inside of my mouth while I was there. But nothing rivals it on earth.

THE BEACHES - Since childhood, I've had a recurring dream that a coconut fell on my head and I was granted to ability to see through solid objects.

THE PEOPLE - They are wonderful and good-natured. Plus, it is the land of excellent hair and teeth. Japanese are also wonderful, bless their hearts. But the teeth? The gnashers on some of them could rip the hull off an oil tanker.

THE TEACHING - although high school sounds intimidating at first, I look forward to the discipline bits.

HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND JEFF - who is currently smearing chalky, medicinal powder onto torn cow vaginas in the Thai North.