Internet Vampire .... by Adam (2005)

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I am not convinced that I really exist. I mean, I know facets of me exist. There I am… depicted in photos… captured in description boxes… lit up on various “who’s online” lists. I have several profiles, I’m a regular MSN chat partner, I have a webpage and a blog. I exist right?  

Then why do I feel so weird when removed from the companionship of the online world? I’ve been in Shanghai for the past week with little access to that other self. Forced into face-to-face situations, I yearn for the safety of my monitor’s affectionate glow. It’s like an amputation… I can feel the keyboard at my fingertips, even when it’s not there.  

This is what I am: the totality of my online description boxes. A selection of well-chosen phrases and carefully worded portrayals of my strengths. A few glossed-over references to foibles and weaknesses. And possessing not a physical body, but some kind of other-worldly essence – a blend of pics and graphics posted across the net (if you look hard, you can find most of my body parts somewhere or other.)  

I’m going to assume I am still the same Adam, even when forced offline. Actually, I am not. The offline Adam is the edgy one – the one wondering if he has any messages waiting for him. The one bored with the pace of the conversation, wishing he could click people on and off. Can’t I ‘minimize’ friends, just for a few minutes?  

My attention span has suffered. I have little time for full-length conversations. I’d prefer unrelated observations and random comments. Can’t discussions be structured like forum posts? Can’t abbreviations and acronyms replace real ideas and emotions? As for books and magazines and movies…. are you really supposed to read/watch just one at a time?  

And the death of my privacy. I’m waiting to be confronted at my next job interview with a printout of stupid shit I’ve written on Downelink or posted on my website. Why am I telling you this stuff, even? I fantasize that there is someone out there obsessed enough to track me down, seduce me and jab something sharp through my heart.  

Yep, I’ve got to cut down on the online time. I’ve got to start living real life before I go completely android.  

Ok, I will cancel my profiles, rip down my forum posts, and remove MSN. I will become the full human being I was just a short time ago. I will regain my privacy, my attention span, my personality. And once again bask in the light of REAL personal relationships.  

But that would be such a waste of all those penis pics….

From my blog on www.downelink.com