11 March 98
As I was talking on the telephone in my dimly lit room, I saw what appeared to be a big preying mantis malingering on my blinds. I turned on my bedside lamp to try to discern whether it was in fact a mantis, but the weak illumination afforded by the faltering bulb helped nothing. Once my conversation ended, I crept toward the menacing creature, prepared to chase it out of the room or kill it if necessary.
I was a bit chagrined to find out that it was a just a lousy curtain hook masquerading as a mantis. It must have fallen from the curtains and sought an exciting new identity for itself. Fortunately for me, my uncanny skills of detection and deduction were able to pierce the illusion and uncover the charade.
What a disappointment--I could have used the excitement of trying to shoo the critter out into the rain. The curtain hook put up no fight whatsoever. That's what gave it away.
I think after it rusts for a while and realizes the silliness of continuing its delusions of insecthood it'll beg me to take it back in and reinstate it upon the curtain.
15 March 98
I went into another coughing fit, so I decided to kill the mildew on the wall next to my air vent. I think it is the source of all my recent morning cough-athons. I normally feel fine by midday, but first thing in the morning, I am coughing and hacking like an emphysemic smoker.
Charging straight into battle, I sprayed New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover all over the mildew patch. The vent blew the mist across the wall, lamp, nightstand, bed, pillows, sheets, and me. D'oh!
After quickly throwing my sheet and pillowcases into the sink to soak, and armed with the devastating New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover, I renewed my assault upon the offending mildew. Well, actually, I very carefully covered everything (my computer, the bed and the nightstand) with the sheets I was issued by the Billeting Office. What the heck, they don't fit my bed anyway, and the chlorine might eat through the sheets but it won't bleach any color out of them--they're white.
Armed with the devastating New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover, I renewed my assault upon the ... oh, yeah, I said that already. Um, where was I? Oh: Resetting the nozzle to deliver an accurate stream of killer fluid upon the mildew, I sprang onto my chair and fearlessly assaulted the enemy. Having calculated the proper windage factor, I was safely out of harm's way while the mildew was writhing under the direct impact of the incoming fire.
After the initial salvo, I quickly grabbed an old towel and dampened it to rinse off the dripping fluid. This towel had seen previous action with the New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover and was already battle-scarred. Into the fray plunged the fearless towel, mopping up dying mildew in huge swaths. The cotton fibers of the fabric screamed in agony as they were torn asunder by the chemically corrosive New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover, but still the towel bravely fought on. After a few passes across the battlefield, I pulled the towel back to rinse it off and give it a breather. Then it was back to the wall to wipe out more mildew.
After several such sorties, the devastating assault was finally successful. The objective had been secured and the enemy was completely eradicated. Or was it?
Lo, there upon the panels of the vent festered still more mildew. It was the reserve force! Thinking quickly, I formulated a new strategy, regrouped my forces and launched an attack on this outpost before it had time to brace itself. Standing fearlessly upon my chair, well clear of any potential backlash, I directed a thin and accurate stream of New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover upon the unsuspecting vent and its offending growth.
Augh! The vent tricked me. Some air blew back in my direction, carrying with it a deadly chemical mist. A solid droplet landed on my cheek, mere millimeters below my eye. Had I not been constantly moving, ducking and rolling to make myself a hard target, I might have suffered a direct hit which could have scored the coup d'état. Unfortunately for the mildewed vent, the resultant injury to my sleeve (from wiping off my face) only served to anger me. Fueled by this fresh fury I fervently followed my first fusillade with a further offensive. (Ooh, look at my alliterative self go.)
The mildew streamed from the vent in thick rivulets that dripped down to the sheet covering my computer. No worries--the sheet was a planned casualty. It was serving its purpose and protecting my vital ADP equipment. (That's jarhead jargon for computer: Automated Data Processing.) My reliable old towel was faring pretty poorly. It had dark stains and expanding holes that were reducing its combat effectiveness. Small bits of cotton, previously attached to the battered towel, were strewn about across the floor and chair. I knew I was going to have to call for reinforcements.
Withdrawing from the fray, I ransacked my closet and emerged with another towel--this one an old white bath towel dating back to OCS (Officer Candidate School), circa summer '95. I could afford to scar, even destroy this unit in the quest for a mildew-free environment. I was ready to renew my assault!
So it was with complete abandon that I carefully held the towel up to shield myself as I directed volley after volley of New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover upon the vent. The mildew was obliterated in a most ignominious manner. The wall ran with veritable rivers of decimated mildew. Moving quickly, I mopped up the remnants of the enemy forces until there was nothing but the lingering odor of New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover to suggest that a valiant battle had just been won against the encroaching forces of the evil mildew.
Whew!
Of course, after I finished spraying everything with New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover, I finally read the warnings and instructions on the back of the bottle:
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
Hmmm... It occurs to me that my coughing fits started right around the time I assaulted my shower with New! Maximum Strength X-14 Instant Mildew Stain Remover a couple weeks ago. Think the prolonged exposure in the enclosed environment had any detrimental effects? I do remember feeling like my lungs were decidedly unhappy. You know, it's amazing that I haven't killed myself with my own idiocy yet.
(Moral of the story: Remember to read warnings and instructions before using dangerous chemical products.) 