A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning ofthe sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact
with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
There is a new Commander of a base in the French Foreign Legion,
and the Captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the Commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
The Captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel."
"Enough!" says the Commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the Commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the Captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain". Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"
The Captain says, "Well, let me see". He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."
The Commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then". So the next day at two o'clock, the Commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel.
A minute later the Captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon, sir", says the Captain, "But wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"
A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom ? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used. After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into
the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"
King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
A few days letting Adam and Eve settle in, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand for a walk in the garden.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam again took Eve for a walk in the garden.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in only seconds.
A young Italian bride was having a talk with her mother on her wedding night. She said, "MaMa, I'va never been with a man before and I'm scared. Whattama gonna do?"
Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what to do".
So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the bedroom door behind her. While she's standing across the room, her husband takes off his shirt.
"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother. "MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"
Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have a hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."
The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door. Her husband takes off his pants.
"Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother. "MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a legs!"
Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have hairy legs. Now go. Go to your husband."
The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. As her husband takes off his socks, she notices that half of his left foot has been cut off, Mafia style.
"Oh my goodness!" she again screams as she runs down the stairs to her mother. "MaMa, he's a got a foot-and-a-half!"
Her mother says, "A foot and a half? Honey, you stay here, I'm going upstairs!!!!!!!"
Ingredients:
1 cup of butter
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp soda
1 tsp salt
lemon juice, brown sugar, 1 or 2 quarts whiskey, nuts
Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good huh?
Select a large mixing bow, measuring cup, etc. Check the whiskey again to make sure it's just right and not losing out to evaporation. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a large, drinking glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an alectric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffly bowl. Add 1 tsp. thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the whickey is of the finest quality, cry another tup. Open second quart is necessary. Add 2 argel eggs, 2 c. fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters just pry it loose with a drewdriver. Sample the whitkey agian, checking for consicicticity, then sift 3 c. of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter. Sample the whickey. Sift 1/2 pint of lemeon juce. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bobblespoon brown thrgar, or whaever color you can find and mix well.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350. now pur the hole mess
in coven and ak for 1 tmr by our. Check the wickey agin and gotobed.
