"Am I too Fat to Swing?"
He is not the only person to ask us this question, so I thought I would just share the answer I gave him...
"First of all, before we got into this lifestyle, I felt about myself exactly as your wife may feel now: that my weight and appearance were not sexy. My desire for sex was practically zero, and that is no exaggeration. When we did have sex, my husband encouraged me to "act sexy", which of course all those porn stars do so well, only I felt that I looked ridiculous, being a bigger girl "pretending" I was some sexy thing!! (You said you think the movies have something to do with your wife's opinion of herself - believe me, this problem goes a lot deeper in our society than just your wonderful wife - she is not alone in that one!) So what changed things for me?
Basically, the biggest thing that happened was that I discovered that men other than my husband thought I looked sexy!! I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings - to think that your wife might get turned on if other men started paying attention to her - because the truth is that you, while you are the most important man in her life, are in fact her husband of almost 20 years... she might feel that you *have* to say nice things to her to stay on her good side. She probably believes you are sincere, but she may also believe that you are "just saying that" to be nice. But, in doing a little 'net surfing over a few months time, we found some newsgroups and other areas that specifically were targeted to men who like "BBW's" - big, beautiful women! Well I've learned that there are a LOT of men out there who actually prefer plump, round, heavy, *whatever* women over others - hard as that may be for some people to believe, it's the truth.
"Well we answered a letter from a couple who had posted to a newsgroup seeking 'sexy email' penpals - the lady said she was a BBW, her hubby said he *loved* BBW's... so we answered them - and the first time I sent pictures to that guy I just about cried at his response - he told me over and over how sexy I was, how much he liked the way I looked, what he wanted to do to me (blush), on and on... his wife wrote some very similar things to my hubby, and we of course did the same to them... well at that very second, my sex life with hubby turned around 180 degrees - all of a sudden I wanted to DO IT... and ALL THE TIME!! We corresponded with this couple for a while, then a few other couples, and all the while we would get so turned on reading and writing the email.
"Along the way we really got into picture taking - we would set up the 8mm home movie cam in the bedroom and I would just prance around in my sexiest lingerie, then we'd go back to the computer and take still-frames off the video to send to our email friends... taking the pics got me wound up too, knowing that hubby was getting turned on taking them and knowing that our friends would get turned on receiving them. We took one picture, in fact, where I am looking right at the camera, that I think is one of the best pictures ever taken of me - it looks SO sexy, it hardly even resembles me!! (or so I thought at the time). That picture was one of the things that made me feel so much better about myself - I found that even *I* thought that picture looked sexy!!
"Another thing that helped was that I found a local source for big girls' lingerie - stuff that fit and looked great, even to my critical eyes!! So yes, you're right, a lot of it is in the mind - if you feel sexy, you act sexy... you enjoy sex a whole lot more, you WANT IT a whole lot more...
"Well I'm sorry that's such a long-winded answer, it's just that what helped me feel sexy was the thought that there were people who liked me and thought I was already sexy for what I was, not for what I might be if I lost 80 pounds.
"Now your other question, what do people in the lifestyle look like? You and your wife go get naked and stand in front of the mirror - THAT is what most people in the lifestyle look like! Wander through the grocery store, thru WalMart, etc. -- the people you see are the people that are in the lifestyle. I don't think we've met ANYONE in the lifestyle who looks anything like those porn movie actors! And yes, a lot of people will find your wife extremely sexy (I know my hubby would, he loves big girls!). Those that don't, well you just don't party with them - when you go to these club events, you learn to read other couples' signals pretty well, and you tune in to who is eye-balling you and who isn't - that's part of the fun! But no one will make rude or disparaging remarks - that has never happened to us.
"Well I hope this helps. You are right, sexiness is in the mind - it's just finding the right combination of factors to make your wife realize that she IS sexy and she DESERVES to have wild, fun, SEXY sex!!!"
Me:
Now I have a question, actually it's a bit of a confession and I'm just interested to know your perspective... ;)
I still struggle somewhat in my own mind about my body size. I have this really sexy ATTITUDE, but sometimes I fear that I LOOK ridiculous, cavorting about like a sex kitten when I'm carrying around this tummy and these big (breasts)... I tend to think of the "dead lay" issue as an extension of that - I figure if I am enthusiastic and take pride in pleasing the guy I'm with (rather than just laying there and letting him do all the work and all the pleasuring), then maybe the size of my body won't matter that much. I *know* I should not be so concerned about my body, but now that I am so interested in sex I almost feel embarassed sometimes about the way I look.
Her:
I felt the same way for quite awhile, and still do a little, but not too much. It's hard when society says that a certain body type is sexy, but look
how things were in the 1800's and all the women were larger. I look at myself and think how can I be considered sexy, but then when I pay attention
to how men react to me, it makes me feel really good. Now that I have had sexual experiences with other women, I find that I'm like a lot of the guys and larger women turn me on... I think that it's a matter of how you present yourself and how you carry yourself. When we first saw your website and read what you two had to say, we were very attracted to you. Maybe as women we'll never understand it as clearly as the guys make it out to be. Whatever it is that men find attractive in us, I guess we can just be thankful and enjoy our sexuality as much as possible. I also think we're softer and more fun to cuddle and play with than skinny chicks!! LOL
Me:
>>> but look how things were in the 1800's and all the women were larger.<<< Yes but even in the 1800's women were having ribs surgically removed so they could achieve the hourglass look that society said was sexy...
>>>Whatever it is that men find attractive in us, I guess we can just be thankful and enjoy our sexuality as much as possible.<<< Right on!! It is something I try hard not to worry about, and sometimes just have to step back and say, wait a minute, *I* think I might look ridiculous, but what is the GUY doing... hmmm... he's grabbing my (rear), bumping and grinding... etc. etc. ... he looks like he's having fun... SO QUIT WORRYING!! LOL It's just that it's still easier said than done for me - I keep working on it!!
Also I feel somewhat guilty because I *know* that my weight is purely a lifestyle issue - meaning it is not caused by a health problem, it is cause by my own laziness and poor eating habits. So I feel like, if I just had more willpower, I COULD change... then I feel like a failure when I don't do it. I know a lot of sexy women we've met thru swinging who are larger, who don't even have the OPTION to change things because they have health problems that contribute to their weight - but who are VERY comfortable with themselves and very SEXY!!
As far as playing with skinny women vs. bigger women, I usually feel so intimidated by such people (I figure they are looking at me with some degree of disgust or at least pity) that I would never even approach them. But I AM finding that bigger women are usually very friendly, quite secure, etc... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into a big philosophical discussion... it's just crap that's always in the back of my mind I guess.
Her:
I used to be hung up about my weight, but now I realize I am who I am, body and soul, and if someone doesn't like part of me, it's their loss. It's real hard getting into the right frame of mind about it. I actually welcome this discussion because I've had a lot of the same feelings. We get so many guys writing to us after seeing our homepage and they are so full of compliments that I love it. (My husband) almost has me convinced to send some pics into Plumpers magazine.
Me:
Plumpers -- go for it girl!! If you do, maybe I will too!! :) ("Sexy Swingers of the Midwest...")
We also get lots of complimentary email... (mostly from single men (which we used to reject, but then the MFM fantasy is more and more creeping into my mind lately...) it makes me feel good! The goofy part is that I love dressing in sexy clothes... I think my face looks good when it's made up... I LOVE this little tattoo on my cleavage... LOVE showing off my cleavage... it's just when I see my whole body naked I go, "oh brother."
So I guess I just have to avoid seeing myself naked, and picture myself looking clothed, sexy and provocative... gads, I don't know. But I DO know that I am so glad you dont' mind talking about this! I am 36 today and I feel like I have wasted a lot of time being bored by sex and not thinking of myself as a sexual being -- I find it kind of too bad that the time in my life when I want to act sexy is the time when I have the worst image of myself phsyically.
Her:
Someone should start up a BBW swing club. I also look at all the BBW sites there are on the Net, so someone is finding larger women exciting! I love showing my bod off too, I think if you get into MFM you will feel alot better about yourself. I always love it because I get two men showering me with attention. We have to beat the guys off with a stick alot of the time.
Me:
Well that may be the next item on our 'agenda' -- thanks for listening to me babble and for sharing your thoughts!!
Her:
Just remember that we are our own worst critic. Yes, it's all in our heads, but it's how we deal with it that makes the difference. I was looking in the mirror the other day when I didn't have any clothes on and I actually realized that I do have a cute ass! But I do sometimes look and wonder what the big turn on is.
Me:
>>>But i do sometimes look and wonder what the big turn on is.<<<
Eventually I suppose it gets easier to just shrug and go, "who cares - 3,000 men can't be wrong!" LOL You've really boosted me up today -
thank you!!
