Emotions in the Lifestyle
Of course, even negative emotions like anger and jealousy can be dealt with in a positive way and need not ruin your lifestyle experiences. Some of the emotions you might have to deal with include:
Jealousy
Everyone says jealousy is normal, that you're bound to feel it sometime in the lifestyle. I confess I don't often experience jealousy in the lifestyle - a non-swinging friend of mine tells me this means there is something really wrong with my relationship with my husband, but I disagree. It's damn sexy to look over and see him giving and receiving sexual pleasure with another woman - but I admit I didn't always think it would. At this time in my life, I guess I'm just ready for these types of experiences. But I can tell you when I *would* feel jealous:
If he was having an illicit affair with ANY other woman (including one who swings), that would be cheating and I would be jealous. No, strike that. I would be livid. Okay, I would be divorced.
If he disappeared for a long time at a club event without telling me where he was going or what he was doing, I would worry, concoct possibilities in my mind, and be jealous.
If he got to the point in our relationship where he could not be satisfied sexually UNLESS we were swinging, I would be jealous.
Also, many couples establish certain sexual activities (like oral sex, or climaxing) that they *only* share with each other. This can help tame jealousy, because you know there is always a little piece of your sweetie that no one else is going to get.
So far I've talked only about jealousy as it applies to your own partner. But there's another jealousy that we experienced as a couple... it was a feeling which took us totally by surprise, and we dealt with it by simply talking it to death. At the very first swing club event we attended, we got together with a really nice, sexy couple. It was a great evening, and gave us lots to talk about in our own lovemaking. A couple weeks later at the next event, we watched this same couple behave with others exactly as they had behaved with us -- attentive, flirtatious, friendly... and we got jealous!! How could he dance like THAT with her, when that's how he danced with ME? How come she's sitting on HIS lap when she just did that to ME last time?
Well of course you're right, it was NOT rational to feel this way. These guys owed us nothing; they were looking for new sexual experiences just like we were; and we certainly had no reservations about acting sexy with other couples... we marvelled at our own audacity, then we got over it. It does show you that jealousy can take some surprising forms!
Anger/Frustration
We haven't experienced this one too much yet, and that's good. A few things about the lifestyle do bug us (see the "Pet Peeves" page), but most of them aren't "deal-breakers." Still, we have seen couples fight and it's no fun. Here are some situations we've personally witnessed:
Couples who bring other problems from home with them to club events - and fight about them openly.
One spouse finds someone to swing with, and the other doesn't - so they argue about whether that's fair.
Couples who speak or act in an undiplomatic way, making you feel foolish, unattractive, or humiliated.
We've been lucky - we haven't had to deal much with anger and frustration (well ok, some - but it's in the past); we do have one basic rule for our swinging experiences, and that is that we will *always* keep each other informed about what we're thinking, feeling, and doing. Hopefully that will keep us on the right track.
Emotional Attachment to Other People
A friend of mine outside the lifestyle says she could never participate because she's afraid she will meet her knight in shining armor. I feel that she is looking at swinging in the wrong context - it's not about falling in love (except with your own s/so)... it's about enhancing an existing strong and stable relationship.
Needless to say, this is a *very* sensitive area. I believe that Somewhere between love and ambivalence lies a very happy, healthy *sexy* medium that can only be called lust. Just for the record, yes: I am saying that it is ok to lust after someone other than your spouse. This is what drives the whole lifestyle experience - because if you didn't feel "lust" for a person you most likely wouldn't do anything with them.
Let's look more closely at why it's ok to lust after people in the lifestyle. First of all, it's natural to feel positively inclined toward people who treat you well and make you feel good. For many people, men and women, participating in the lifestyle gives their ego a boost when they discover that other members of the opposite sex do find them attractive - it's the old "I still got it!" That charges up their own feelings of sexual confidence, which increases the amount of sexiness they project. When you walk around feeling sexy about yourself, it's pretty easy to feel "lustful" toward others.
Also, it's a heck of a lot easier to have good sex with someone if you are attracted to them. (Isn't this true even outside the lifestyle? It's been a while since I've been on the dating scene, but last time I checked it was hard to get into it if you had to put a bag over your partner's head or tape their mouth shut to keep them from revealing any more "personality.")
And of course, it's possible (even likely) that you'll meet people with whom you want to become closer friends outside the lifestyle. Developing friendships within the lifestyle is a happy side effect of meeting so many nice, sexy new couples.
None of this is problematic if you and your spouse/significant other talk about it openly, and if you are able to identify your feelings and separate them from the way you feel about your spouse.
Emotional attachment *is* problematic when you start to "fall in love" - falling in love with someone you swing with is a bad idea, for several reasons:
- It can lead to illicit sexual encounters, which is *cheating* on your spouse. (if you've ever wondered where to draw the line between swinging and cheating, this is it.)
- It can lead to the breakup of two good relationships.
- It can sour you or your "love" completely on the lifestyle -- after all, if you marry a man who left his wife for his swinging partner, you *get* a man who would leave his wife for his swinging partner. If you like the lifestyle, don't screw it up by falling in love with someone else.
The lifestyle is about sexual pleasure - finding new things that make you feel good, and finding new ways to make your relationship more satisfying. You read it over and over again: communicating with your spouse is the most important factor in having fun within the lifestyle. When emotions begin to encroach on your good time, the solution is usually to talk, talk, talk!!
