Lifestyle FAQ
What is the Lifestyle?
Well first of all, the phrase "the lifestyle" is one of those euphemisms like "passed away" or "powder my nose" that everyone uses instead of telling it like it is. "The Lifestyle" means swinging - couples getting together with other couples to enjoy sex with each other's partners. The lifestyle also includes singles (ladies or men) who get together with couples to participate in sexual activities. (Sorry folks, singles getting together with singles is still called "dating", and groups of more than 4 are still called "orgies.")
Wait a minute - isn't that considered cheating on your partner to have sex with someone else?
That's up to the individual - those couples who are active in the lifestyle do not consider it cheating because the sexual activity takes place with the full knowledge, permission, and reciprocation of the partner. Your wife would be hard-pressed to accuse you of cheating if she's right there in the next bed having sex with someone else!!
But I thought that marriage was supposed to be monogamous - how do you justify this kind of activity?
You don't have to "justify" it - you explore the idea to find out if it suits you. If it does, no justification is needed - it's just something you enjoy. If it doesn't suit you, no justification is needed because you won't do it.
Why do couples swing? Aren't they happy in their relationships?
On the contrary, couples who enjoy swinging are very secure and stable in their primary relationships. (If you are NOT secure in your relationship, you'll likely have problems dealing with your emotions once you are involved in the lifestyle.) Most couples who swing have better-than-average communication with each other - they can and do talk to each other about anything - including their sexual fantasies. They are looking for ways to enhance their relationship, to make sex better and more exciting, and to add variety to their sex without cheating on their partner.
How do I approach my spouse with the idea of swinging?
This depends on the stability of your relationship. If you are used to expressing fantasies with each other, you can simply start expressing your desire to see your partner being pleasured by someone else... a little sexy talk now can lead to real conversations later, which might lead you to exploring the club or personals scene more in-depth.
If you do not yet talk to each other about your sexual needs and fantasies, you should start gradually to introduce this kind of talk into your sex play. But start with the mild stuff first - it might not be wise to suddenly blurt out, "I'd love to see you doing this with someone else!"
Also, look for clues that your partner may entertain fantasies involving others: does he/she get turned on by movies depicting group sex? Does he/she turn up the heat during sex with you after you've met another couple socially? If you see such clues, comment on them in a positive way.
As far as coming right out with the question of swinging, only you can gauge how you think your partner will react. But generally speaking, the question of whether they are interested in swinging must be posed so that your partner knows you are wanting to please them and enhance your sex life together - if they think you are just wanting to get into someone else's pants yourself, you come across as being selfish and they might think you are dissatisfied with them.
How do I convince my partner to swing?
You can't (and don't want to) force your partner to do anything - swinging is about mutual respect and pleasure, and you don't want your spouse to do this just because *you* want to - believe me, it's imperative that they want to do it too! So don't try to force it. If they are reluctant at first, you just have to take it slow - you're allowed to express your fantasies too, just like you want your spouse to do, so mention once in a while how much it would turn you on to watch your spouse with someone else, to do it with your spouse in front of others, to walk in on your friends having sex and then the two of you joining in, being naked in a hot tub with another couple, etc. - be creative!
You don't have to drop it completely unless you get a flat "No, never, not on your life." Then I don't know what you do. The key is just to gently suggest things without pressure to really make it happen.
How do swinging couples meet each other?
Couples usually meet either by attending social events sponsored by lifestyle clubs or by contacting each other directly through personal ads placed in lifestyle magazines or on the internet.
How do you go about meeting someone through personal ads?
You simply look for ads that appeal to you - couples usually give brief descriptions of themselves and what they are looking for - and drop them a friendly note to introduce yourself, and take it from there. If they are in your area and you want to meet them in person, you can arrange to meet at a bar or restaurant to chat.
Isn't that dangerous?
If you make your first meeting a public one, such as in a bar or restaurant, there is really no more danger than going on a date. You are under no obligation to leave the bar with them or even talk to them again. If it turns out the ad was a fake, then obviously no one will show up to meet you - that's not dangerous, it's just annoying. You should not, however, agree to meet any new couple or person in private - public meetings establish that everything is above board, and give you and idea of whether the person or couple is one you would like to get to know better.
What if we arrange to meet a new couple and we get cold feet?
It's nerve-wracking to think about meeting a new couple - after all, your ultimate goal is to have sex with them! But back up a moment - in reality, the goal of the first meeting is NOT to have sex, it's simply to determine whether this is a couple you and your spouse are attracted to. So really, there's no pressure to do *anything* other than visit and get to know each other a little. Whatever you do, DON'T stand someone up. Everyone gets the butterflies, but it's really rude to make plans and then simply fail to show. If you must cancel, let them know in advance you won't be there.
What happens next?
After your first meeting, that's entirely up to you - you can start building a friendship and approach the idea of sex later, or you can tell them up front whether you would like to "get together" with them (that's another euphemism, it means "have sex")and make plans to do so.
How about club events - what are those?
Most states have privately-owned clubs established for the purpose of providing opportunities for swinging couples to meet. Our direct experience is in Iowa, of course, but from what we've read on others' web sites the club experience is much the same across the country. Most clubs host dances or other social events (such as hot tub parties) which couples can attend.
Do you have to swing with someone if you attend a club event?
No. If a club requires you to have sex with someone at an event, run screaming in the other direction. You are NEVER required to do anything you don't want to do, at a club event or anywhere else in the lifestyle. The clubs just provide an opportunity to meet like-minded couples (so you don't have to wonder "do they or don't they")in a sexy atmosphere that's conducive to the kind of activity you're interested in.
What happens at club events?
That depends on the type of event and the couples in attendance. At a dance, the atmosphere is charged and you can expect loud music, "dirty dancing," salacious rubbing/bumping and grinding, and suggestive conversation. There likely will NOT be blatant sexual activity going on at the dance - just a lot of flirting and people getting turned on. But then again, there could be some pretty outrageous behavior at the dance itself. We've seen it!
Hot tub parties (or other kinds of house parties) are lower-key - there are fewer people, and the atmosphere is quieter. This type of event is more conducive to talking with other couples and learning more about them personally. Our personal view is that you might feel more pressure to get together - not because people will pressure you overtly, but because it's highly likely that there WILL be sexual activity at this party and you will begin to feel conspicuous if you don't participate. Whether you do get together with anyone, of course, is STILL entirely up to you. You can leave the party if you are really uncomfortable, or stay and hold your ground, or dive in and party. It's up to you.
At either type of event, there will likely be an area set aside for getting together if you choose to do so.
Which is better - dances or house parties?
Depends on your personal preference and your mood. I (Janet) prefer the dances because "dirty dancing" turns me on. Another couple might prefer to move a little slower and opt for the house party.
My partner and I are very average-looking and even a little overweight - isn't everyone else at these events great-looking?
This is one of the unfortunate things about the widespread use of commercial pornographic pictures to depict lifestyle activities. The short answer to the question is NO, everyone else at these events is not great-looking. The people you meet will be just like you, your neighbors, and your family members: mostly just plain folks.
What about diseases such as AIDS or other STD's?
It's imperative that you protect yourself and your spouse from diseases. Many couples set their own rules: they never swing without using condoms, they avoid certain sexual acts (except perhaps with each other), they abstain at certain times, whatever. In my opinion, it would be irresponsible for anyone with a communicable, fatal disease to participate in the swinging lifestyle - so if you have HIV or AIDS, you shouldn't even put others at risk.
For other diseases, like herpes, you might be able to put your mind at ease just by doing a little research. Herpes is fairly prevalent today, medications are getting better, and I'd guess that anyone who has it would simply not play unprotected.
Still, you want to protect yourself - the steps you take to do so are up to you. You can check with your state or county health department for more information on most STD's, and there is plenty of information on these topics out there on the 'net.
I want to ask YOU GUYS a question. How do I do that?
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