Introduction to the Lifestyle
For me, the lifestyle was not presented as a suggestion, it was an idea that evolved out of our quest to find sexy alternatives via the Internet (see "How We Got Started"). One day, after having spent a few weeks reading and writing sexy, swap-oriented emails, we both just kind of realized that it was possible to do those things in real life - and so our months of discussion began, which eventually lead to attending our first club event. I knew from very early on, however, that without the build-up of the emails, the xxx-videos, and the 'naughty talk' during our own sexual relations, that this idea of "sharing and being shared" would not have appealed to my rational, monogamous mind. It was something we worked up to, without even realizing we were working up to it.
It's often been said that swinging is not for everyone. There are some types of people who would never enjoy the lifestyle, and some who only wish they'd discovered it sooner. My personal opinion is that anyone with the right attitude and mindset can enjoy the lifestyle, but that it takes a certain amount of soul-searching to arrive at that attitude and mindset.
Hopefully, reading this little article will give you a good idea of whether you will enjoy participating in the lifestyle. As with any new situation, it helps to have reasonable expectations so you aren't surprised or disappointed by reality. This article will give you some hints about the attitudes and expectations of other people in the lifestyle (though certainly not all of them), so you can see if your present thinking fits the pattern. With that goal in mind, here are some thoughts regarding what the lifestyle *is* about versus what it's *not.*
Is About:
Enhancing the strong, secure and committed relationship you already have with your spouse or significant other. Participating in the lifestyle takes a sense of security about your current relationship, and a lot of open communicating about your wants, wishes, fears and desires. If you feel a certain way and you can't tell your s/so about it, you'll be unable to resolve the various emotional issues that are bound to crop up when you are in the lifestyle.
Is NOT About:
Fixing a broken relationship, unless you are seeking to end it. Couples who are intensely jealous of each other, who feel that sex between them is on the outs, or who are seeking revenge for infidelity are not good candidates for enjoying the lifestyle, because having fun in the lifestyle requires the ability to enjoy the pleasures of sex guilt-free. If you are not satisfied making love with your own wife or husband, then having sex with someone else (even with your spouse's permission) is not going to make your own love-making better.
Is About:
Sharing sexual pleasure with others, with the full knowledge, consent, and participation of your s/so. There is something SO hot about watching mu husband give and receive pleasure with someone else, and it makes the sex between the two of us even better.
Is NOT About:
Cheating on your s/so. (Where to draw the line? See "Emotions in the Lifestyle" and "Pet Lifestyle Peeves") Some friends of ours told us that they once participated in a 4-some with another couple - and since this was their first experience with swinging and they were still unfamiliar with the lifestyle, he later asked the other woman to get together alone sometime. She said no, she wouldn't do that - and at first, he had a hard time understanding why. Eventually he figured it out and now this couple's cardinal rule in the lifestyle (other than "no means no") is that they will not use the lifestyle to have illicit affairs.
Is About:
Meeting new people and enjoying the company of other like-minded couples. One thing you learn quickly in the lifestyle is that the couples who participate could very easily be your neighbors, your boss, your uncle, or your local mail carrier. Meaning, lifestyle couples are just average folks. Once you have been in the lifestyle for a while, you begin to look at strangers on the street in a whole new way, asking yourself "Does she or doesn't she" everytime you bump into someone in the elevator. What's fun is that, when you attend a club event or meet someone through the personals, you *know* they share your interest in the lifestyle and the question becomes merely one of whether they would like to get to know *you* and swing with *you.* One of the serendipities of the lifestyle is that the couples you swing with could become your very close friends if the chemistry and common interests are there.
Is NOT About:
Indiscriminate, "put-another-notch-in-the-belt" sexual encounters. Most people we've met in the lifestyle are not in it simply for quantity, they are seeking quality sensuous experiences to enhance their own relationships. For some, having quality sensuous experiences means they want to become close friends with another couple before progressing to shared sexual experiences. For others, the lifestyle is truly a chance to act on mutual sexual attraction, with friendships developing later. Either way, the emphasis is on the quality of the experience rather than the quantity of partners.
Chances are, if you find that your own expectations for the lifestyle fall into the "IS NOT About" category, you may still have some thinking to do before you're ready to participate. It's just like anything else in life, from joining the military to taking ballroom dance lessons: you have to be in it for the right reasons to enjoy it, and you get out of it only as much as you put into it.
