Mr Colin Campbell at the Chorley Tourist Unit


 
"Discover Chorley, set in the heart of Lancashire's glorious countryside. See unique historic houses and spectacular moorland scenery, visit enticing markets and antiques centres, and experience the thrills of Camelot Theme Park. Chorley has something for everyone!" 
"Chorley's covered Market ranks as the best of its kind in the region. Held on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, just about everything from fruit and vegetables to household goods, delightful ornaments and fascinating bric-a-brac is available. A collectors market is held on Mondays." 

Above are quotes from the site operated by the tourism board. Anyone wanting to make an inquiry as to the 'Joys of Chorley', their words not ours, can email the Chorley Tourism Unit. Make sure you forward your correspondence to chorley_pol@yahoo.co.uk, as each letter listed earns its author recognition within Lancashire's literary elite. Click below to see the site for yourself.


Hi there!
Me and the family are planning a little vacation in England in Sept. In the course of our stay we shall be visiting relatives near your fair city of Chorley. I therefore want you to book accommodation for me, Mrs Love, Randy Jnr in the Astley Hall for the 11/12th. I trust that a full English breakfast is available, however my good lady wife doesn't want any black pudding if it truly is made with sheep's blood. What would be suitable clothing for your climate at this time of year? In the course of the visit we would like to sample the local culture. Can you recommend a traditional English Pub within walking distance of the Hotel. Also as a keen outdoorman I want to take the children out shooting. Will I need to purchase a license and where can I hire a good rifle? Something with a large enough calibre to bring down a 12 point stag. I also want the phone number of a booking office for a traditional dog fighting show. Finally what time are the buses to the Scottish Highlands on the 13th?

Yours,
R Love II.
Austin, Texas
USA

Tourist Unit: Dear Mr Love, thank you for your enquiry about holidaying in Chorley, unfortunately I need your postal address in order to respond in any detail. Regards, Colin Campbell.
 


Dear Sir / Madam,
 

I am currently studying for an MBA, via distance learning, from the University Of South Western England. As part of my studies I am embarking on a research project into "The Socio-economic history of vernaculuar food stuffs in Northern England". My particular area of interest is the legacy of the various peoples who have populated the region, with specific reference to the Irish navvies and Meat and Potatoe pies.
The areas on which I require information are:

* Pie production since 1810

* Pie production in the electronic age

* The evolution of the pie in the "Global Market"
 

I understand that such food stuffs normally do not warrant much attention, but I would greatly appreciate any assistance you can offer in his matter.
Thanks for your help in this matter,

Adrian Hulk
 

Tourist Unit: Thank you for your enquiry. I am sorry but I am unable to help with your query over the internet. Please contact me by telephone if you would like to discuss the subject further on 01257 515300.


Dear Sir/Madam,

My daughter has recently moved to Chorley and I will visit over the bank holiday weekend. I want to know if it is safe to go to the pubs in the town centre. I hear that the town's bars are extremely violent, especially on a Friday and Saturday night. Also, I have heard Chorley has the largest number of pubs per person in the country; is this true? Another worriying rumour is that Chorley had a bad heroin problem.

Your sincerely,

Gareth Barrington Clock

Tourist Unit: Dear Gareth, thank you for your enquiry. Chorley is most certainly not a violent place, niether does it have a bad herion problem. I am sure you will be able to visit your daughter and have an enjoyable weekend in complete safety. Regards, Colin Campbell.

Dear Mr. Campbell,

I know Chorley to be violent through the towns appearence in the national media. For example, on the evening when England defeated Columbia, Chorley was the only place in the country where civil disturbances were reported. According to the Daily Telegraph, cars were set alight, shop windows were smashed and the riot police were called to attend. I also remember reading about a contract killing being carried out in Chorley, some incident involving contraband Mexican cigarettes.

I know it is your job to present Chorley as a hospitable place for visitors and possibly mislead on occasions, but I simply need to know which are the no-go areas. Every town has them. Such as a pub my daughter told me about, called something like 'The swan with no neck', where at closing time youths were breaking glasses over each others heads. In my prime I would have given these hooligans a taste of their own medicine, but alas I am now 70 years old and fear I would be badly beaten, should I try to intervene.

As regards heroin, the occupants of the flat below my daughter, on the Liptrot estate, keep trying to sell her essential equipment from their house, such as the fridge, washine machine and even a bed. Various unsavoury characters keep coming and going all day. The electricity has been cut off and the house is completely empty, even the carpets have gone, and the occupants only use one room where they lie on the floor. If this is not a 'smack den' I do not know what is.

Please answer my questions more honestly this time. I have included the original message below.

Yours sincerely,

G.B. Clock.

Tourist Unit: No response


Hello. My name is Chest Pole and I am a director of what you would term 'adult orientated entertainment titles'. I am currently on the look-out for locations for my new film 'A Pussy called Wanda', and from a brief glimpse of your online media centre, feel Chorley to be worthy of more in-depth research. I would be grateful if you could provide succinct answers to the following queries:

1:/ With regard to 'Applejax: Chorley's Numero Uno Nitespot' If we wished to shoot scenes in and around the club I would need a certain number of extras. If you could provide a brief description of the kind of clientele it attracts and maybe some press shots, I could then decide whether to pursue this choice of venue.

2:/With regard to your Public Bus Terminal and Town Centre Public Houses. With a script that demands a certain number of external night scenes, I would be grateful if you could provide me with a list of convicted crimes and complaints relevent to the said locations, if indeed there are any. This by no means assumes Chorley to be a violent place to visit, on the contrary I have only heard pleasent stories about your idyllic place on earth, this is simply for our own insurance and bond purposes.

3:/With regard to your town's religeous make-up. As I'm sure you can understand of a film of this nature, it would be irresponsible of my production company to choose your town as location if there were to be a religeous backlash. If you feel there would be public disquiet over our choice of location it would be wise to allay our fears in this instance.

Finally, we would be prepared to pay the sum of £15,000 english pounds for the chance to film in your postcard location, and look forward to meeting your local authority officials to iron out any disagreements at an earliest time convenient to your town elders. (This figure assumes a one week shoot - if we deem it necessary to extend our contract we would be prepared to pay the sum of £3,000 per day thereafter - figures I'm sure you would appreciate to the restoration of your many and picturesque churches and public buildings)

I thank you for your time, and look forward to your quick reply.

Yours faithfully

Chest Pole
Director
Hot Assed Mama Prodctions
Stiff House
Wiltshire Blvd.
Beverley Hills
90210

Tourist Unit: No response.


Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Ian McShane's No. 1 fan (of Lovejoy fame) and I am in the process of compiling a "history of his life to date". I was recently informed by a friend from Coppull that McShane once lived in Chorley (above a shop called Wisebuys I believe) and that he was once a Chorley football club mascot. Unfortunately the McShane family have requested that I never contact them again, and my attempts to get in touch with Chorley football club have thus far been unsuccessful.

Could you please help.

Yours in anticipation of McShane-related information,

John Warfist.

Tourist Unit: No Response


Dear Sir,

I represent a Hong Kong based cartel which own restaurants, casinos and a logistics business. As the markets of Manchester and Liverpool are saturated, we are planning to expand our interests into Central Lancashire. We would like to hold a conference in your area in mid-September; in order for my supervisors to fly in from Hong Kong to see and discuss expansion into Chorley, Preston and possibly Blackburn and Wigan.

Can you recommend a hotel, preferably 5 star, that can accommodate a group of 40? This trip will be the first time my supervisors have been away from their wives in many months; so I will require a bar with exotic dancers. I have heard Applejax discotheque would be suitable; does it have a Black Jack table? In Manchester people tell me that in Lancashire there is a sport where people put a weasel or a similar animal down their trowsers for as long as possible. Please tell me where I can get tickets to see this.

Thank you for your time,

Thomas Kwok,
Catering Manager,
Roland Fung Corporation,
3 Selborne Road,
Chorlton,
Manchester.

Tourist Unit: No Response


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