The following is taken word-for-word from a Mormon pamphlet, For Young Men Only, published about 15 years ago...

1. Pray daily. Ask for the gifts of the spirit which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are strongest. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "STOP" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.

2. Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, a month and year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one. If you masturbate, colour that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days.

3. Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal reward yourself with a quarter.

4. When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly open.

5. Avoid people, situations, and pictures and reading material that might create sexual excitement.

6. Use physical restraints.

7. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. Put on several layers that would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

8. In severe cases, tie your hands to the bed frame.

9. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated, or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape.

10. To cancel the pleasure of masturbating, associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub full of worms and eating some of them.

Observations

Point 1: Recite something from the bible eh? How about a nice innocent story about the Sodomites or the whore of Babylon? And if I saw a fifteen year old boy shuffling his shoes and staring at the floor, trousers ballooning, muttering biblical quotes to himself through clenched teeth he wouldn't bloody fool me. Try chanting 'I'm a wanker... I'm a wanker' at the top of your voice. That ought to get rid of it.

Point 2: Setting a goal of abstinence is a fine idea - a day, then a month, then a year, then finally you are cured from masturbation when years of sexual frustration have turned into a religous psychopathic rapist and the authorities have had you chemically sterilised.

Point 3: Anyone that can reach the goal when masturbating, particularly from the penalty spot, deserves a contract with a film company, not just a quarter.

Point 4: Obviously, leaving the door partly open when having a shite in a public toilet is much more socially acceptable than the odd frap in the privacy of your own room.

Point 5: Upon meeting attractive young women, say "I'm sorry, I can't possibly talk to you because you make me want to wank". This is very polite and noble.

Point 6: Use physical restraints? What? Perhaps we could model something on the anti-scratch collars that dogs have to wear when afflicted by horrible skin disorders. "Doctor, I wonder if you might supply me with one of those cock-collars?"

Point 7: Pyjamas that are difficult to open? Obviously, the intellectual capacity of the sort of people that actually need this kind of advice has to be questioned, but getting your hand down a pair of pyjamas doesn't exactly demand a degree in rocket science, does it? Is there some invention I am unaware of. Perhaps I ought to go into Marks & Spencer and ask a sales assistant (obviously not an attractive one, see Point 5) and ask for a pair of their fantastic anti-wank pyjamas.

Point 8: You can tie one hand to the bed but what about the other one. The only thing I can think of is handcuffing both hands behind your back, which is a) Bloody difficult to explain to mummy in the morning, and, owing to a little known subclause in the laws of fluid dynamics, is b) Guaranteed to cause a pyjama marquee so profound that it will only vanish after mummy has removed aforementioned cuffs. Anyway, what is a severe case? Are we talking 'This one's too good to waste' or does it refer to the person - compulsive masturbation disorder. I have a mental image of teenage mormons tied to their beds, fighting against their restraints in an effort to get a hand on Mr. Blobby. This is obviously to be encouraged. In fact, if we applied this to all mormons (assuming mormon teenage girls receive similar warnings of the dire consequences of a quick strum) then perhaps they wouldn't knock on my fucking door all the time.

Point 9: Are these really the reasons which provoke abuse of the biffing-skin? "Oh no, my parents have been killed in a horrible accident, I'm getting bullied at school, and my teenage angst is driving me into depression. I might as well kill myself. But hang on a minute.... I've suddenly come over all horny." Perhaps I don't understand because I'm not a mormon... thank Christ.

Point 10: Now I've played word association games before, and sometimes they do get a little abstract. However, any teenage boy that is capable of associating bathing in a bathful of worms with choking the chicken has a severe psychological disorder. Bloody hell. Let them pull the end off it if they like, just pray you never hear them in the bathroom grunting "Mmm.. Yeah, yeah, worms, ooh yeah".