Phil Cool
	Phil's is still believed to be living in Coppull. He was once successful on the local pub and club circuit, but once on television he pulled one "funny" face too many. The diabolical "Cool Head" series aired at the turn of the 90's, ensured he would never work on television again. The people were not prepared to tolerate another decade of Phil Cool; or so we thought, as incredibly he has recently resurfaced in the middle of the night on a programme where he teaches other people comedy. Some predicted armageddon on the turn of the millennium, and the fact that Phil Cool is preparing for a comeback suggests were are entering a dark era indeed. Also, I spoke to one of his relatives recently who told me he was currently touring New Zealand.
Reg Holdsworth
	Reg has recently moved from his house on Park Road, next door to his mother, to a Southfork style residence in Whittle-le-Woods. Allegedly, the move to a quieter area, was instigated by repeated abuse from local teenagers. I have also seen adults give Reg a hard time. Some might say by wearing loud American sportswear and driving around in a pink Cadillac, he was asking for it. When he lived on Park Road he was often seen in the Townley Arms, a pub well known for lock-ins. Thankfully his acting  career seems to over, apart from the odd Coronation Street Christmas special. He has also started a second hand car business somewhere on Preston Road. He probably envisaged a life selling American classic cars to the young sexually undernourished wives of aristocrats. The reality is that he sells £200 bangers to whoever will buy them. However I do know that he is still rich, because a friend of mine handles his bank account, though for some reason his account is the name of his alias, Ken.
Belstaff
	Though not a TV celebrity and definitainly not rich, Belstaff is certainly a face on the local scene and has been featured many times in the Chorley Guardian, who usually print false information about him, like the time they claimed he had just graduated from Leeds University with a PhD in Robotics and Cybernetic Engineering. If you want the hard facts, click here to read 'The Cult of Belstaff'. One of Belstaff's many claims to fame is that he had engaged in a bare knuckle fist fight in Reg Holdsworth's garden and he also has a law named after him, (from 'The Cult of Belstaff'): "Belstaff is well known for bad luck, which has resulted in the phrase "Belstaff's Law", which might be the same as Murphy's law, I don't know, was Murphy the kind of guy who got regularly beaten by strangers? If so, then he sounds very much like Belstaff."
Lovejoy
	Lovejoy's father once played for Manchester United. Instead of doing the right thing and retiring, he humiliated himself in progressively lower divisions. At some point he played for Chorley. During Lovejoy's father's time at Victory Park, Lovejoy was once the team mascot. It is believed that Lovejoy's family lived in Blackburn and it is unknown whether he visited Chorley again; perhaps to solve an antiques related crime. Much like Phil Cool, the nineties saw his career take a significant downturn, though I'm sure he's still a phenomenal success with the ladies. In spite of all his achievements, he'd probably say that standing on the sacred turf of Victory Park, providing some light half time entertainment, was the proudest moment of his career.
Clive
	Clive began by teaching children how to dance in a small room above what was then the New Imperial pub. Though he is best known for his erotic dancing on the hit TV show, 'The Hitman and Her', in which he teased men and women alike, with his tiny florescent yellow trunks and his trademark blonde wig, reminiscent of a lion's mane. It was a powerfull image. Millions of viewers tuned in each week to watch Clive jack his body, and it is no coincidence that when he left, ratings plummeted and the programme, quite frankly, became an embarrassment. I don't know how or if Clive is employed these days, but the nineties have not been kind to the towns other top celebrities and I fear the worst.

	"The last I heard Sir Bill was working at the family firm, which has factories in Chorley & Adlington, and living in Adlington."  (A.T., North Chorley)
	"Bill Beaumont, as far as I am aware, lives, or at least lived, in Longton near Preston."  (D.R., Penwortham)
	"I believe he now lives on an old barge - Spending his days recounting long lost days of sporting ecstacy to local kids out on a school night trying to score some glue."  (J.C., Chorley SW Projects)
	"Thought i should let you know that just last week, i spotted our most famous question of sport presenter in chorleys branch of woolworths, browsing through the calculators, especially interested at a rather nice 6.99 model. the friendly shop assistant then told me she once sold him a south american type cd, entitled "under latin skies" if i remember rightly. she was rather chuffed with herself."  (Steph, Chorley, June 2000)
	I was moved to contact you in reference to the recent spate of Bill Beaumont sightings. 'Big' Bill actually lives on Clifton Drive in Lytham. (I won't give the house number because I don't think 'Big' would appreciate the hoards of tourists and freaks who would feel the need to trample his lovely lawn and flower beds, if armed with this information). How, you may, ask did i aquire the lowdown on 'Big'? The answer is that I was fitting a bedroom at his next door neighbours when I was lucky enough to actually speak to the great man, (he asked me to move my van, as it was blocking his drive). Despite being in the presence of a former sporting great, I kept my nerve about me and with great speed and sharp wit replied, "Oh, yes. Sorry". I could tell by the way he was shaking as he walked away that he really knew we were kindred spirits from the same little town. (Agent X, Central HQ,Chorley)
	"I used to do a Citizen paper round in the area of his factory (Blacklidge's on Deighton Road) and he can be seen there regularly. He's said hello to me many times."  (Fish, Chorley, Jan 2001 )

This section is to enable you, the reader, to share your experiences of Chorley's glittering array of stars and I'd like to mention that even though I no longer represent you in parliament you will always have a place in my heart. Anyway if you should happen upon a celebrity, please e-mail me at chorley_pol@yahoo.co.uk, and if I decide I like your story and am a bit of a loose end; I'll add it to the list below.

Phil Cool
 

(1)

Phil Cool turned up at my parent's silver wedding anniversary uninvited because he knew the band. My dad also urinated next to him and asked him to tell some jokes to which he replied "I don't know any" in a pissed off sort of way. (LH, Coppull)

(2)

My second cousin is the famous 80's rubber faced "Comedian" Philip Martin. He was on one of his nationwide tours, under his ironic stage name Phil Cool, which stopped off at King George's Hall Blackburn. To make up the numbers he invited all his family along. My Father, Stan, was offered an access all areas pass as an incentive to attend. Stan declined the offer due to the fact that "he isn't funny". (AT, Chorley)

David Unsworth
 

(1)

David was an outcast from an early age due to his freakishly large size. This mild form of gigantism made him few friends and looked certain to banish him to a life of being a mediocre blacksmith. When he started secondary school his freakish physical appearance came into it's own. Who would have thought when he started playing for the famous Lancashire youth team Euxton Villa that he would eventually play for their equally successful midlands namesake. I had few meetings with Unsie, as he became known, as he went to Parklands (Sons of Satan state school) and I went to St. Michaels (God fearing C of E school). Whilst I spent my adolescence buying cheap booze he went running and looked after himself. One of my few meetings with him was one Friday night in McDonalds; Unsie was on his own drinking Coke (Diet) my friends and I were busy throwing tea bags at the ceiling. From that moment our lives followed different paths; I worked in a series of Supermarket related jobs and studied rocks, he went on to national footballing stardom, fame, money, marriage, multi-million pound transfer deals, exotic holidays, free sportswear and a Maroon Calibra. It just shows you that if you waste your adolescent years on cheap booze it has no detrimental effect on your future prospects. (AT, Chorley).

When I was an MP I used to spend most of my dinners in Noble's amusements mainly because you got free tea and coffee if you played on the machines. From a poltical point of view it was a good place to meet the socially, physically and intellectually disadvantaged who were usually only too keen to tell you all about their problems and betting strategies. It was here I first read the Daily Star and developed my fascination with minor celebrities. I began to collect newspaper cuttings and record any gossip I heard in the amusement arcade, but I often received contradictory information and I will not rest, for the sake of the people as much as my own, untill I have finally discovered the truth. I emplore you to e-mail me immediately if you can provide information concerning the following, or know of additional rumours:

	I've heard from many sources that Steve Pemberton from the 'League of Gentlemen' is from Chorley. Unfortunately, the most prolific source is 'Peeping' Terry, who also goes into his life history saying he went to St. Micheals school, had a fat brother obsessed with pornography and so on. This man is not to be trusted. He once told me one of my friends was dead. Stupidly I believed him and nearly had a heart attack when I later saw him enjoying a quiet drink in the 'Tut and Shive'.
	New Order played their first ever publicised gig in Chorley, at the Tatton Community Centre off Eaves Lane. In addition they were supported by PR6.
	Mick Hucknall's ex tour rhythm guitarist lives in Euxton.
	The lady who wrote the theme to Prisoner Cell Block H ("He used to give me roses, I wish he would again ....") lives or lived on Park Road.
	Paul Bown out of ITV's quality SitCom 'Wathching' is from Chorley. He's the one who's got a really crap old motorbike and fancies that silly little tart with the bright hair. I think he was in Dr Who once as well.
	The lobbyist at the centre of the recent political scandal involving paying for access to ministers is from Chorley. His profile in The Guardian was titled something like .."From Chorley to Westminster" and showed a picture of his house.
	That chinese take-away on Park Road is run by the triads.
	Lloyd Cole out of 'The Commotions' went to Runshaw College and presumably went to Chorley a couple of times.