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| WELCOME TO THE BEST PAGE ON THE WEB! Well there, aloha, nee hao, or click click (in the African Clicking Language)... are you here alone or is someone with you? Great great... Well, take off your mouse pad, here, take a seat here, that's good... lift up your legs and I'll mosey this leg couch under there for ya.... there we go...so, let's get started! Welcome, my friend, to the best web page there ever has been. You know, traditionally, I don't really like being over confident, but when you have a home page as good as mine, you can only say "what the heck, this is a fantastic page, and I want the world to know that". You know, when I first started doing this page, my good friend Bill says to me, "Chris, there are hundreds and thousands of web pages out there already. Do you really think that you can make one superior to every one of them". And to tell you the truth, I couldn't say anything with confidence at the time. I mean, come on, he was right. The industry is already huge... how could some first year student ever produce something that could compete with the best. And I'll tell ya, from the first day I started making this page, right down til today, it was one heck of a journey, I'll tell ya that much. The donkey wasn't the prettiest horse in this carriage, but she sure was the strongest! But in the end, I think I got something that even Billy Jane Ryder would have cracked the whip at! So I beg of you... take advantage of everything on my page. If it's on here, it's for you. My only policy is that if you use one of my creations, please give credit where credit's due, and put a link to my page. I'm not charging you a cent... no no... but I am asking for a little web etiquette when you borrow something. I hope I'm not asking too too much :) On this page you'll find thousands of links to the hottest sites on the web, all tested of course by, ahem, yours truly. You'll find hundreds of previews of movies that haven't even come out yet, and 76 full length movies available for your downloading pleasure including Star Wars episode 1, American Pie, Big Daddy, and my most recent upload: Tarzan. Lots of pics are here, and if I've known you for more than a few days, there's probably a bunch of pictures of you on here. Hope you had that colgate smile! Oh, and we have jokes, my friend! Jokes jokes and MORE jokes. Side splitting humour from the funniest comedians on earth, translated into English! If you like funny, visit the laughing stock section. Finally, the chat room is still in the making, but I'll get that up as soon as possible, not too worry. There's still lots for you to do, and unlike most sites, it won't be costing you a pretty penny. Oh, and for the internet gurus, I've included GigaBITE version 3.01 so that you can enjoy cable modem speed on your 56 k modem. Now, how's that for a friend. Just elect me in the upcoming election, and I'll be a friend for life. Haha... I'm just joking. I'm doing this all for free! For you! Now, what are you waiting for... go out there and download til your harddrive bursts! On your marks, get set, GO! |
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| Free Download for the Guys: Now, come on, all you guys out there. Do NOT be trying to tell me that you don't spend at least 50% of your time on the internet... well, you know, you're just surfing on the internet, clickin on some links, you know, seeing what's new... you get bored quickly, you decide to check out some site your buddy Fred sent ya, so.... okay screw it, I'm gonna quit being so damn diplomatic. You guys masturbate to internet porn a lot, don't you? Okay, here's the deal. If you're a guy, click here to get instant access to the world's largest collection of internet pornography ever. We even have a program where you can paste the girl of your dream's face onto a naked body, and voila!... instant fantasy come true. Ever wondered how your grade eight teacher that you had a crush on would look in the buff? Haha.... enjoy |
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| And for the ladies... Okay okay... I can hear you girls now. You're going, what's in it for me? What's in it for me? I'll tell you what's in it for you! Instant access to my ass hole! That's right, skank, get on your fuckin knees now! Oh my God, oh my God, what did I just do? What did I just do? hee hee... you know I didn't mean that. Well, I'll tell you what's in it for you. Click here to download instavu. With each download, just enter the IP number of anyone, and you'll automatically have a record of EVERY internet address that person has ever visited. Remember that night Johnny told you that he had to "babysit" his cat? Do you really want to know what he was doing? Ladies, this one is for you :) |
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| MOVIE MADNESS! FREE MOVIES! COME GET EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT! Let's keep moving on now, fellows. Now, do you want to know how I spent last Saturday night? Maybe NOW wasn't the best time to pose that question, considering that many of you already downloaded instavue... however, besides...err, you know what.... last Saturday I uploaded 76 full feature length movies onto my site. Do you know what that means? You now have access to all of these incredible movies, including Tarzan! So, what're you waiting for... take a few minutes and download Star Wars Episode 1 (approximate download time 2 minutes 30 seconds) Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace Tarzan American Pie Big Daddy Monty Python and the Search For the Holy Grail Click here to view Next 5 movies Hope you enjoy it :) Bon Appetit |
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| Revitalization Energy: The Fountain of Youth Right now, my friends, you are about to experience what my good friend Simon, likes to call, "Revitalization Energy". Simon's a funny guy, actually. I met this guy, what was it, seven years ago. Him and I were on the same cruise ship. We were all headed for the Bahamas. It was quite funny actually. I was leaning over the railings of the ship, and Simon, being as brash as he is loud, says to me, "You see them dolphins"... now, that had to be the funniest thing in the world ever, because as any sea lover knows, Dolphins don't exist within 3.5 km of the Bahamas because of the warm pockets which cause irritation to their sensitive eyes. Judging by the winds, we were at least 2 km off shore Bahamas, making any claim of dolphins utterly ridiculous; ludicrous even. We hit it off great after that. We played volleyball, and sang sea songs until the captain had to shut us up. Oh Simon, if you're out there, I'm still thinking about you, buddy. I'll never forget your "Rolling Houses" and your Sammy Davis Jr. Impression... hahaha....hey, if you're still out there, man, you can e-mail me anytime. My arms are open. And in case all of you readers are wondering.... no, Simon and I aren't gay. He just holds a special place in my heart. Now, Revitalization Energy is a method of reducing stress by increasing activity. Simon used to tell me about this way that your body works that as Energy gets used up, it gets turned from a blue energy to a red energy (red energy being completely depleted). Simon, you really have a way with wording things, you know. This guy, Simon, he could talk for HOURS, literally hours, about the stars and the hundreds of galaxies out there. Oh, Simon, how you knew the universe we lived in. Anyhow, this guy was phenomenal, and he wagered that if I gave him a massage for an hour and a half, I could get him to reach a stage where he was flying off the boat, and could see all around us. After an hour and a half of massaging, he told me that he could see everything. I wanted to try this! So, I let him massage me all over my body, because that increased the likelyhood of entering that trancelike state. But after an hour and a half, I was still in my own body. Even after a full half hour of massaging my bum, which was supposed to be the most sensitive spot. He asked me to strip naked, and then I would for sure exit my body, but I said it was indecent, and he agreed, and continued to massage my crotch, which is a critical step in the warm down. If you forget to have your crotch massaged, you might have insomnia, so I made sure he massaged my crotch long and good. Then the captain came over. Half an hour into the conversation with the nice captain, I swiftly remembered that Simon forgot to have his crotch massaged, so I leaned over and started massaging Simon. The captain gave me a dirty look and walked away. Good thing I remembered! Simon almost got insomnia! Simon, if you ever need a good crotch massaging... I'm the man to do it... right here, buddy! Now where were we... oh yes, Revitalization Energy... you know what, screw it.... I don't think I could ever describe Revitalization Energy as good as ol Simon could... *sigh* -mon.. haha... did you see that Simon... I just *sighed*....and added -on to the end of it, and I got "Simon"... did you see that Simon?... sometimes, when I look up into the starry sky, and no one is around to see, I think of that night when you and I were laying on the deck of the ship, just talking about life.... of course you asked me to lick your testicles, and that kinda ruined the moment, but I understand why you tried your luck... to tell you the truth, if I were in the same situation, with a boy who was seven years younger than me, I might have asked him to do the initiation for my club too, even though it might be something like singing a song, rather than licking my testicles... but it's all the same. Simon... you are my hero. |
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| YIPPEE!!! MORE FREE STUFF FOR ALL! GATHER ROUND BOYS 'N GIRLS!!! Who am I kidding anywayz? I know, and you know that I can't program... hell, I don't even know what html stands for (just kidding, I know it's the abbreviation for "hotmail"). Oh my God... I feel like such a loser. This page sucks, I mean, there's no movies... you go and check for yourself... I just made up all of those links. I... I... I... don't know how to say this, but.... I am a fraud.... my friends, I am a fraud... I do not know what I am doing at all... I just wanted someone to come to my page. I wanted people to see my name, and get all excited... like how girls hear the names of those Backstreet Boys characters, and get all whoosy. And even though my mom tells me that I am more handsome than any of the Backstreet Boys, especially AJ, I wanted to give something to you guys, and... and... I'm so sorry... but I have nothing to give. I wanted to feel as if someone wanted me, and as each and every one of you visits my homepage, I will be able to feel your gratitude for bringing you all sorts of stuff, kinda the feeling that Santa Clause gets, except I don't get little young boys and girls, all between the ages of 2 to 9, sitting between my legs, and kissing me. But that's not the point. The point is, each time I get one person's hopes up, I feel like they're thanking me. I really do. I feel as if just one person thinks to himself, "Boy, I feel great because of Chris Lau." then my whole life has been made, even if that hope is false. I think in that way, I'll make a great dad. Like, in the future, if my kids are crying in a superstore, I'll just say to them, "Oh kids, don't cry now. If you stop crying and let mommy do her shopping, then I'll take you all to Disneyland". Of course, I'll barely have enough money to finance a rusty '85 Ford truck, but I'll tell them that anyways, and when I get home, I'll tell each of them to close their eyes, and I'll sit each of them on a cardboard box, and at this point I will be able to feel their excitement. They'll be going, "Oh goody goody... Daddy's going to bring in Mickey Mouse!"... but then I'll push them on the cardboard box and say, "Hey hey... I didn't get Disneyland tickets, but isn't this funner than Disneyland? Hey hey? What do you say? Wheee".... I don't know how they'll react to that disappointment, and you know what, I don't really care. The point is, they'll have shut up, and I'll be on my merry way. And that's the end of that. What am I getting at? I don't know... and I don't care. If you expected anything out of this page, you're a fuckin moron, you know that? Who the fuck is going to spend countless hours of the day uploading videos for you, for free? Where the hell are you from? Why don't you take your tiny weiner, poke a stretched out paper clip through the urethra, and stick it out the window and slam the window on it. And if you're a girl, why don't you eat your period, puke it into a used toilet, and use the toilet water as sauce. I just insulted you, shit head! Why are you still reading this shit? I don't like you. Seriously. Get the hell outta here. Oh my God... you're still here... what, you want me to insult you more? Holy! I have never met a bigger idiot than you! Never! How the hell did you ever get through grade 3? p.s. Simon and I aren't gay, by the way p.p.s. If you click on any of the images, it'll take you to a secret site. You know, I've been in this web page building industry for a good, say, six years now. Holy! Has it really been that long? Here, I'll just take that couch from under your leg now, there we go, thanks. What do you say, partner, shall we have a glass of wine to toast to this page? No? Well, then I wish you the best of luck, and oh, lookey here, I almost forgot to show you this. As a momento to your visit, where did I put it... oh, I attached them to all of the images in this page... I give you a secret page that I created a good, what, year ago. Anyhow, it'll bring you good luck, so, that's all I can say about that. Well, it was certainly a pleasure to see you again. Tell everyone I said "hi"... oh, and don't forget the secret page... wouldn't want you to miss out on that. Oh yes,and please sign my guestbook Click here to sign my guestbook Click here to view guestbook Well, take care, and I hope to see you soon. Toodaloo |
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