Late Night TV Jokes Jay Leno Conan O'Brien David Letterman Jay Leno Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. Today was the first 100 degree day in L.A. I was sweating like a "Star Wars" fan trying to talk to a girl. The new "Star Wars" movie opened last night, "Revenge of The Sith". You should've seen the crowd, they haven't been this exited about a premier since Windows '98. The Air Force announced this week that it must secure outer space to protect the nation from attacks so they wants president bush's approval of star wars space weapons. In fact, right after they made that announcement, Dick Cheney whispered in the president's ear, "I am your father". In fact, President Bush is so angry at "Newsweek", he said that he is not even going to pretend to read it anymore. America continues to search for alternative sources of energy. Other companies now are making fuels made from corn and soybeans. This is amazing. You know what that means? Our cars will have healthier diets than we do. I mentioned this yesterday. At the premiere of "Star Wars" at Cannes, there were comparisons being made between Darth Vader and President Bush. They also talked about president bush's brother. They called him the evil Jebi master. This new "Star Wars" is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones. President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of alternative fuels. Bush said he's all for alternative fuels as long as they don't try to get married. They say there hasn't been this kind on panic and evacuation in the White House since the night in '98 when Hillary came home early. And the number movie this week is "Kingdom of Heaven". It's a film about the 12th century crusades; a time when the tensions between Christians and Muslims led to bloody violence in the Middle East. Well, thank God those days are gone forever, huh? People were so primitive back then. Pope Benedict has formally sworn in his new bodyguards; 31 members of the elite 'Swiss Guard'. They're the ones that protect the Vatican. So don't even think of trying to attack the Vatican. Those Swiss Guards, they are well armed. They can stab you with that little corkscrew. They can poke you in the eye with the permanent toothpick. According to the latest statistics, the average price of a gallon of gas has fallen three cents in the past two weeks. Three cents in two weeks! Who needs to reform Social Security now! Just think three cents in two week, in a year you'll be able to buy gum. President Bush is now over in Russia where he gave a speech the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. I think Bush may have been a little confused. He said to the people of Georgia, "So how about that Scarlett O'Hara?" God bless him! Mike Wallace is 87 years old. Or, as Anna Nicole Smith calls him, "The Bachelor". ccording to "Entertainment Weekly" the new term for gay lovers is "manpanions". Well at least it doesn't sound gay. As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court, twice this week ... have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly ... I think he's going through menopause. According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money. You know, last week Scott Peterson was given the death penalty, plus he was fined ten thousand dollars. Ooo ... lots of incentive to pay that one, huh? Today on the news they were talking about the racial composition of the jury pool. They said it's about 20 percent African-American and 75 percent white ... oh, I'm sorry. That's Michael Jackson. The elections in Iraq are being called a huge success. Did you see all the Iraqi people dancing in the streets? Wasn't that amazing? I had no idea they were such bad dancers. That was unbelievable! Thank God that country doesn't allow alcohol. Imagine how much worse the dancing would have been then! Here's a very odd story ' the New York Post reports that CBS is considering adding a comedian to the nightly news when Dan Rather steps down. How embarrassing is that for Dan? "Dan, I'm sorry, but you have to step down because there's a problem with your credibility. We're going to bring in Carrot Top." Yesterday, Michael Jackson showed up at the courthouse late. Or, as he likes to call it, "a little behind." When Michael actually did arrive, he was looking disheveled, wearing pajama bottoms and walking stiffly. Which is usually how most boys leave the Neverland Ranch. A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables. As you know former President Clinton went back into the hospital today so surgeons can cleanup from his last operation and remove fluid buildup. Isn't fluid buildup what got him impeached the last time? Michael arrived at court looking stiff and awkward and had difficulty moving. Hey, maybe he really is white. You know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand is on the little hand. A new survey says that 50 percent of people are unhappy with their job. You know why? Because their job is now in India. Here's another reason to be happy to live in America. A new study says that it is extremely expensive to own a dog in England. They say that over the dog's lifetime, it could cost the owner as much as $38,000. But Prince Charles says hey, he's going ahead with the wedding anyway. Mel Gibson is on the show tonight. As you know, they are re-releasing the film "Passion of The Christ" ... or, as it's known in Hollywood, "800 Million Dollar Baby." Martha also said that prison was the toughest, most humbling place she's ever been in ... you know, outside of a Kmart. So, let me get this straight. Jackson gets the kids over at the Neverland Ranch ... and by the way, if you like the Neverland ranch, try the vinaigrette. But anyway ... He gets the kids over and he gives them vodka and porn. You know, you get rid of the child molestation thing and this guys the really cool uncle I always wanted. Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is the first time in baseball history that the players have more additives than the hot dogs. While President Bush was in Germany this week, thousands of Germans took to the streets to protest President Bush and the U.S. invasion of Iraq. See, that�s when you know you�ve accomplished something, OK? When the Germans think you�re invading too much. In the Michael Jackson case, it looks like we now have a jury. They are eight white people, three Hispanics, and one Asian guy. Boy, that sounds like the worst basketball team in history, doesn�t it? Prince Charles announced he will not have a best man. He said Camilla is man enough. I am very excited � Oprah is here today. As you know, she did this thing last year where she gave away 276 cars on her show. Well, we are not going to be outdone. Tonight, everyone in our studio audience will get a picture of me standing next to my 276 cars. President Bush denying reports that he has plans to invade Iran. Oh, we�ll invade all right, we just don�t have any plans. Just like the Iraqi thing. We�ll figure it out when we get there. Michael Jackson�s fate is now in the hands of four men and eight women. As opposed to his usual crowd, 11 boys and one chimp. I�m sure you know about this ... people across Los Angeles saw a strange object in the sky this afternoon ' the sun! We have had so many thunderstorms over the past couple of days, California has experienced a series of blackouts, or, as President Bush calls them, "the college years." As you know, President Bush is on a tour of Europe. He says he�s hoping to see the whole country. Asked if steroids are cheating, Barry Bonds said, "I don�t know what cheating is." Bill Clinton said: "Good answer. Good answer." The seven-year-old Kyoto Accord went into effect this week, forcing 35 nations and the European Union to cut emissions in an effort to combat global warming. See, I don�t think President Bush quite understands this. Like today, when they asked him about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush says he much prefers the Camry. Here�s another odd story, here�s the ingenuity of the American male. In Boise, Idaho, a strip club got around the local nudity ban by calling it Art Night and giving the guys pencils and paper and letting them sketch the strippers. It was going pretty good until one guy got arrested for tracing. As you know, Michael Jackson is out of the hospital. Doctors say within a couple of days he should be completely back to abnormal. Some people have been criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration. Give the guy a break, he's excited ' this is the first time Bush has been elected. Thirty-two Chinese illegal immigrants were found in two cargo containers in L.A. harbor over the weekend. The illegal immigrants were in the two containers during a two-week ocean journey from Hong Kong. Apparently they booked this trip on Priceline.com. Security will be so tight at the inauguration, the only Arabs allowed in any of the inaugural parties will have to show proof they own an oil well. You know what's interesting - a lot of celebrities complaining about the cost and the glamour of the inauguration. They think the millions of dollars, instead of being spent on frivolous parties, could be put to better use. Like the Golden Globes or the People's Choice Awards. Something like that. They try to make it sound so cool. They say this plane has a private bar. It's a private bar? Is there a big problem with passengers from other planes stopping in for a drink? ABC is working on a four-hour miniseries that will be a remake of "The Ten Commandments." Of course, first they have to buy the rights to the Bible from Mel Gibson. Election Day in Iraq is less than two weeks away, and as preparation, we are completely sealing the Iraq borders. How can we seal the Iraq borders? We can't even seal the California border. European airline manufacturer Airbus ' sounds attractive, doesn't it, Airbus? ' Airbus has unveiled their design for a new double-decker jumbo jet. It seats 555 average-sized people or 126 fat-ass Americans. Some sad news. The CEO of Krispy Kreme donuts was fired today. Apparently he had no idea it was coming, and when they told him, his eyes just glazed over. The E! Channel has announced they're going to start broadcasting recreations of the Michael Jackson trial, using actors reading the transcripts. I believe the role of Michael will be played by Latoya Jackson. And the role of Michael's young accuser will be played by David Spade. President Bush today gave a big speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King. He said, "Martin Luther King hosts my favorite show on CNN." Finally, somebody said to him, "Um, Mr. President, that's Larry King." Hillary Clinton also made an appearance [at golden globes]. I think she won for "Kill Bill"! (Talking about Prince Harry.) Isn't that unbelievable? It was one of these trendy parties where everyone was told to make a fashion statement and apparently Harry misunderstood, "Oh, fashion statement ... I thought you said make a fascist statement." The Commerce Department reported America's trade deficit soared to an all-time high of $60 billion in November. It's so bad that Mexicans are going to India to find good American jobs. A couple in Romania has named their baby "Yahoo" because they met on the Yahoo! Web site, in the personal ads. The baby joins their two other children, Google and Asian Porn. The Los Angeles Health Department says the Internet is responsible for an increase in syphilis among gay men. You know, if your computer is giving you syphilis, maybe it's time to clean your keyboard! Back in England Prince Harry is in trouble for wearing a Nazi uniform to a party. This is bad. An association with the royals is bad for Nazis. Mel Gibson is putting out a book version of "The Passion." A book version? Isn't that the Bible? I realized Mel was talented, but wow! Today President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be difficult for the people to vote ... the east, the west, the north and the south. However, President Bush said, and this is an actual quote, "The election will still go ahead as scheduled because it doesn't matter if nobody votes, the important thing is to say you've held an election." Worked in Florida! To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know what's sad about that? Not the gambling ' the fact that the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network. According to a new report, in England cocaine is now cheaper than coffee. Which means they must have Starbucks too. Congratulations to film director Michael Moore. Last night he won the People's Choice Award for his film "Fahrenheit 9/11" and he was very gracious when he spoke. He thanked all the people who made him what he is today: Dave Thomas of Wendy's; Colonel Sanders, of course; Carl's Jr.; Ronald McDonald ... According to the New York Post, due to steroid use some players have actually seen their heads balloon four hat sizes. Four hat sizes! How creepy is that? These guys are turning into their own Bobble Heads. The Webster's New World College Dictionary has a new word ' "adultescent." Have you heard this word? It's an adult who lives and acts like a child ... or, as women call that - men! You know who else was being considered? Michael Moore. Michael Moore was also considered for Time person of the year. But unfortunately he didn't fit on the cover. Today the Pacers unveiled their new slogan "If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em!" Al Gore was sitting there. I don't want to say that al has gotten big, but Clinton saw him from behind and said, "Monica?" Two White House turkeys were given a presidential pardon today ... and afterward Scott Peterson said, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!" The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex. Discount retailer Kmart has announced plans to join forces with Sears. Their goal: to create the crappiest department store ever! The total value of the deal: $125 Kind of ironic ... the only Cabinet member whose heart is still in it: Dick Cheney. As I'm sure you know, Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he will stay on to help with the transition. So basically, he's now just a semi-Colin. Only in America - Hardee's is now introducing their new Monster Thickburger, which is two third-of-a-pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat. It actually comes in a little cardboard box shaped like a coffin. Fallujah is 70 percent under control. To put that into perspective, L.A. is only 60 percent. As I'm sure you've heard, "Operation Phantom Fury" is now under way in Iraq. You know, where are we coming up with the names for these missions? "Phantom Fury"? What, is President Bush dipping into his comic book collection now? What's next? "Operation Green Hornet"? If you saw the footage of Fallujah, bullets flying through the air. Smoke in the streets. People yelling in foreign languages. It's like L.A., only with much cheaper gas. Did you hear about this? Ralph Nader has requested a hand recount of all the ballots in New Hampshire. So let me get this straight: John Kerry doesn't demand a recount, but Ralph Nader does. Of course, the nice thing about a hand recount of all Nader's ballots ' you can count them all on one hand. I'm sure you know, there's talk of Hillary Clinton gearing up for 2008. Or, as Bill calls her ... "The Polar Express." Calls are pouring in from leaders around the world to Mrs. Arafat. French President Jacques Chiraq said he hopes for the best. British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent his regards. And VP Dick Cheney called to ask if Arafat had filled out a heart donor card. Are you all finally over the election? I tell you, last week was a tough week, especially if you are a gay pro-choice stem cell. Today President Bush thanked those that worked the hardest for his re-election: Ralph Nader and Osama bin Laden. In the last two days Hillary Clinton has gotten over 5,000 phone calls urging her to go on the road for the next four years and run for president. In fact, most of the calls were from Bill in the other room. "Yeah, I'm calling for you to ..." I love how the press in France are trying to spin this story. One French newspaper said Arafat is not in a coma, he is just sleeping. Yeah, right, and Ted Williams [cryogenically frozen] is just enjoying the air conditioning. Shut up! That's what they say, Arafat may be brain dead. That has to be demoralizing to his people, huh? Your leader is brain dead. Thank God that could never happen here. President Bush back talking with the press again, and he was asked today if his agenda was bipartisan. And he said, "I thought I made it clear I was against gay marriage." Actually, President Bush received a very gracious concession call from John Kerry. And a very gracious collect call from Ralph Nader. Do you know the ironic thing about this election? Do you realize that the Electoral College is the only college that President Bush ever did well in? Kentucky voters voted to ban gay marriage. Unless the two are siblings. As you ,Osama bin Laden has released another video. He bragged that he will "bankrupt the United States." And today President Bush said, "Two can play that game, pal." Teresa was so upset about the results that I heard she raised the price of ketchup to $50 a barrel. Ralph Nader's latest complaint: He says he's being held back by special interest groups working against him. I think they're called the American people. It's getting uglier and uglier out there - Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn't know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back. She said she was busy raising three kids - Barbara, Jenna and George W. That is a full-time job. (referring to Castro's tripping on stage)Castro said he's OK because he's got the best health care in the world right there in Cuba. In fact, he was rushed to the hospital on their fastest donkey. In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn't think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something. If you're a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on Earth. Did you hear about this? The town of Bloomfield, New Jersey, was holding a lottery to determine who would get a flu shot. It's terrible. And the winner doesn't even get the flu shot all at once. It's injected very slowly, once a year for 25 years. This just in. ABC has dropped the Miss America Pageant; it will no longer be on TV. Now who's going to solve world peace? Tonight was the second presidential debate, which was be a town hall format. That's where everyday Americans, not just reporters, get a chance to have their questions avoided. To relax President Bush spent today fishing in the rain. Am I missing something - are they afraid he was a little too prepared for the last debate. How stupid is this - a Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on a shotgun? Last night they held the vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards - the CEO versus the trial lawyer. Or, as I like to call it, "Shark Tale.' This Friday Martha Stewart is going to prison. You know O.J. Simpson is having a big laugh over that one. According to the latest poll Bush and Kerry are tied at 49% and Nader is at 1%, and the margin of error of 3%. You know what that means? Nader is trailing the margin of error. The margin of error is 2 points ahead of Nader. Both sides are using every angle. Like they just released x-rays that show shrapnel still lodged in John Kerry's leg from Vietnam, so the white house is fighting back. They're releasing x-rays of bits of pretzel lodged in the back of President Bush's throat. According to "New York Times', the army is now lowering recruitment standards. Their old slogan was "Be all you can be." Have you heard their new slogan? "You'll do...get in the Humvee." There's a new audio tape allegedly made by Osama bin Laden's deputy calling for more attacks. Also on the tape, two new songs by Cat Stevens. I saw it on the cover of "Newsweek' today, and ABC, CNN, they all said that John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn't give him a swelled head. Of course tomorrow night is the big vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. It's the heartthrob vs. the throbbing heart. (referring to Oprah's audience getting cars)Did you see what they did on the Jerry Springer show today? Everybody in his audience got a free mullet. Did you see what Maury Povich gave his audience? Free cinderblocks for the cars in their front yard. As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it "snows in hell', Ralph Nader will win. You know who's in Vegas tomorrow to talk to the National Guard, John Kerry. Imagine Bush and Kerry in Vegas at the same time. Imagine Bush and Kerry at the black jack table? One can't decide if he wants another card, the other can't count to 21. What do you call CBS News after they lose all their credibility? Fox News. Let's start out with the big political news ' all the bickering, the name calling, the endless lying back and forth. Isn't it great having Hillary and Bill back in the news again. Let's see what's going on at C'.BS News. In fact, when President Bush heard Dick Cheney say Ebay, he said, "Ebay? Didn't we kill him and his brother Uday? Are they still around?' Playboy.com is planning a women of McDonald's issue. Naked women and McDonald's. This is like Bill Clinton's dream come true, isn't it? Did you hear this? "60 minutes' has a new policy. From now on they're going to spend at least "60 minutes' verifying their stories. The candidates are arguing about the exact format of the presidential debates. Kerry wants to stand behind a podium and Bush wants to stand behind Dick Cheney. On Friday former President Bill Clinton went home from the hospital. Well, let me explain, he left the hospital on Friday, he didn't get home until this morning. Hillary thinks he's still there. "Republicans in Hollywood'. This is from the same director who brought you "Soul Brothers of Salt Lake City'. Big hit. According to a global poll, if the world could vote for President of the United States they would choose John Kerry over George Bush. However when you widen the poll to the federation of planets, Ralph Nader wins. According to the latest poll today, Ralph Nader is down to 1% of the popular vote. That's embarrassing, 1%! He's even trailing low fat milk, that's 2%. According to this poll, China overwhelmingly said they would vote for Kerry. China? They can't even vote in their own country. Shut up! Here's the interesting part ' these countries said they would choose John Kerry over George Bush even though most people polled had no idea what John Kerry stands for. So in that way, I guess they're just like Americans. President Bush said today that he has no plans to read a new book trashing him by Kitty Kelley. When reporters asked him why he wasn't going to read it, he said, "Because it's a book'. Thanks for coming out on such a hot day! Man was it hot today! What was it 106? I tell you, it was so hot, today Michael Jackson paid off an Eskimo kid'what would you do for a Klondike Bar? As you know, Kerry is now behind Bush in the polls, so he's trying to reach out to more people. I guess the Kerry campaign has been experimenting with new slogans. They sound kind of familiar. Have you heard his latest one? "Did somebody say Vietnam'? John Kerry said at a recent campaign rally that the middle initial "W', in the president's name, stands for "wrong'. And President Bush fired back in his typical manner. He said "the middle initial "f' in Kerry's name stands for phony.' "Playboy' magazine has announced plans for an online "Women of McDonalds' pictorial. Naked women of McDonald's. I just hope that means the women who work there, not the women who eat there. Apparently the warning signs were there. People said they knew something was wrong when they say Clinton grab his own chest for a change. Luckily he was with a nurse at the time of the attack. He just happened to be with a nurse that night. Here's something that will help your appetite - in Thailand, a study shows that Buddhists that drink their own urine improve their overall health and slow the aging process. On the downside they had incredibly bad breath. Last night President Bush said in his speech that we will always keep the promise of social security. Let me tell you something, that's true. We'll get screwed on social security, but we'll always have that promise Iceland will soon be holding its first ever rap festival. Because when you think hip-hop you think Iceland. The response to Dick Cheney's speech was given by John Edwards. You see that, proving once again, wherever there's a guy in an ambulance, a trial lawyer can't be far behind. There's the difference between the Democratic and the Republican Convention right there. You know you're at the Republican Convention when the largest breasts in the room belong to Michael Moore. They said the problem with President Clinton, what was happening was not enough blood was getting to his heart. Gee, I wonder where it was going? Anyway, they're going to bypass his heart. So this could turn him into a Republican. You know what's sad? Clinton was supposed to go on a tour of upstate New York this weekend with Hillary, now he has to spend it in bed with a bunch of nurses around. Ruined his weekend. Did you see that Yankees - Indians game last night? The Yankees lost 22 to nothing! Last time the Yankees got beaten that bad by the Indians it was Little Big Horn! In the war on terrorism ' Osama bin Laden's cook and chauffeur have been captured. You get the feeling this is not the big victory republicans were hoping for... More good news. It seems we're now closing in on bin Laden's pool boy and Pilates instructor. What is that one sport in sport in gymnastics, the ribbon dancing? Have you seen that? That's not really a sport, is it? That's playing with the cat. Of course the worst moment at the Olympics was when the "nut' ran out of the crowd during the marathon and grabbed the front-runner. Doesn't that make you mad? Here's a guy who couldn't win a race by himself, so he decided to get publicity by ruining the chances of the man who should have won. You know, he's like "the Ralph Nader' of the Olympics. Did you see that? Michael Moore was at the Republican Convention, covering it for "USA Today'. Is that really the most unbiased reporter "USA Today' could come up with? That's kind of like sending Jessica Simpson to cover the National Spelling Bee. You're just not going to get the fair reporting. Perhaps the biggest disappointment at the games ' U.S. men's basketball team won only a bronze medal. But to their credit, they played like pros ' okay, like the Clippers, but still pros. Even President Bush said today he was really impressed when he saw the footage from Greece. Bush said it's hard to believe that's the same place they filmed that John Travolta movie. I guess read this in "Time' magazine today, President Bush now says the problems we're having in Iraq are because we won the war too quickly. He says the war was "a catastrophic success." He's also calling the economy a "disastrous achievement." In the latest issue of "GQ' magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ'? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in "Fortune' or "Money' magazine? Here's a big surprise in the latest polls ' it now seems Ralph Nader is now in the double digits. There's something like 12 people who say they'll vote for him. Peterson's defense lawyer Mark Geragos has argued in court that just because a man cheats on his wife doesn't make him a killer. Which is true. In fact, it's just the opposite. It usually makes the wife a killer. I love this story. "60 Minutes" correspondent Mike Wallace, who's 86 years-old was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City after arguing with parking officials over where his limo driver had parked. Parking security said he was double parked. Mike was mad! He was ready to fight. In fact, at one point he removed his jacket and teeth! Are you excited about the Olympics? Isn't it nice a change of pace? You get to see countries fighting over gold instead of oil. For the first time in history all 28 Olympic Sports are going to be televised. They can televise all 28 because NBC has so many channels. We have NBC, MSNBC, CNBC. We even have the Bravo Network for the gay sports like synchronized badminton and that ribbon thingy. The city inspectors claim that Wallace lunged at them. He wasn't lunging. His hip gave out. He's 86! Another scorcher today...in fact it was so hot Tom Ridge raised the terror alert from "elevated" to "sticky". Of course the Summer Olympics begin on Friday. This was in the paper today - Greek officials have announced that many Olympic security problems have been solved. "Many". That makes you feel good huh? When you're talking about security, I think a simple majority is all you need. Greek officials say they are ready for the Olympics, but they'd be more ready if they had more of a head start. More of a head start?! Didn't Greece have the first Olympics like 2500 years ago? How much more time do these people need? And today the terror threat in Vegas was raised from "who cares" to "not interested". Scientists announced today they have successfully cloned domestic housecats. Hopefully, this will end that tragic housecat shortage. Alice Cooper's pet python needed emergency surgery after it swallowed a heating pad. That's how you know you might be getting too old for rock-n-roll...when your snake eats your heating pad. A ship carrying 4000 Hyundai automobiles sank after colliding with an oil tanker. Hyundai officials calculate the loss of cars at over $3,000. A new computer virus is going around. It's called something like MS Blast. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with an actual deck of cards. Conan O'Brien President Bush met with Nelson Mandela today. Afterwards Bush said it was great to finally meet Bernie Mack. A recent study has found that some girls start to learn cruelty and manipulation as young as three years old – or as Martha Stewart calls them "late bloomers". Ladies and gentlemen, it is the first full day of spring, and Martha Stewart's already got an ankle bracelet tan line. A recent study has found that more senior citizens than ever are entering college. College faculty says that the seniors are like any other students but take Jell-O shots just for the Jell-O. Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Hallmark has come out with a new card for guys that forget about Valentine's Day. It's a card about this size, it's gold and maxes out at $10,000! The Michael Jackson trial has started. When Michael first got to court after being released from the hospital, hundreds of fans turned out to support him. But just last night only a dozen fans were there when he left the courthouse. Michael blamed the turnout on the rainy weather and being a school night. President Bush met with the king of Belgium this morning. The meeting got off with a rocky start when President Bush said, "I love your waffles." Bob Jones the president of Bob Jones University will no longer be the president of Bob Jones University. He is stepping down. When asked why he was stepping down it was said because his name wasn't Bob "Jonesy" enough. A man in Florida has been arrested for selling marijuana while working at a Long John Silver's. Police became suspicious when they saw someone going into Long John Silver's. The White House has announced that Ruben Studdard will sing at President Bush's inauguration. A Republican spokesman said that Ruben is appearing because he's one of the red states. 2005 is almost here. USA Today is reporting that one of the most popular calendars being sold for 2005 is the Clay Aiken calendar. The weird thing about the Clay Aiken calendar is that there is no April but there is a Phillip. Health experts say that during the time between Christmas and New Year's people gain weight. In the case of Reuben Studdard, you gain weight from New Year's until Christmas. In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time." A cold wave has hit Florida. Yesterday, temperatures in Orlando reached the low 40s. It was so cold that the giant ball at Epcot Center shriveled to half its size. Ralph Nader is asking for a recount of all the votes in New Hampshire. Today an election official in New Hampshire agreed to the recount and said, "One, two ... yup, that's it." Last night the Detroit Pistons beat the L.A. Lakers to win the NBA Finals. When the Pistons were asked where they are going to now that they have won the championship, they replied, "Anywhere but Detroit." John Kerry gave a concession speech earlier and said that he wanted to hug all of his supporters. Upon hearing this, Ralph Nader said he was able to hug all of his. The vice presidential debate was tonight. Experts say that Dick Cheney is at a disadvantage because he's short, fat and unhealthy. Even worse was when the moderator introduced him as the white Reuben Stoddard. Election Day is almost here. Yesterday Bill Clinton sent out an e-mail to Democrats about how to handle the last days of the election. The bad thing was that he sent the message with his private e-mail, "studcraker89." In Ohio today John Kerry went duck hunting. President Bush quickly said it was just a photo op. The strange thing was that Bush said this while in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier. In Florida there are already voting problems. They started early voting there. Many senior citizens are complaining about problems at the polls. Apparently they are pulling the lever and no quarters are coming out. The average age of a Viagra user is getting younger and younger. In fact Pfizer is now selling Viagra in Pez dispensers. The other night at a Texas Rangers game a pitcher threw a chair into the stands. He was convicted to six months of being a part of the Jerry Springer audience. In a new interview Donald Trump says that he never carries cash and has never used an ATM. Not surprisingly he's also never used a comb. Former President Clinton is doing very well and getting better every day. In fact yesterday they took him off his respirator and today they took him off a nurse. Former President Bill Clinton's quadruple bypass surgery was a success ' or as Bill calls it, "a four way'. The Republican National Convention is going on right now here in New York. A lot of the delegates have been attending Broadway shows. A spokesman for the delegates said that this is the first time a lot of us have ever seen what a gay person looks like. John Kerry recently went to the Grand Canyon. He said that he hasn't seen a crevess that big since he shaved. An astounding 65% of people in California approve of the way Arnold Schwarzenegger is running the state. The other 35% are girly men. It's being reported that Donald Trump is going to release his own line of clothing. It's going to be made from the same wool-polyester blend that makes up his hair. In a new interview, despite what has been said a former senior officer for Saddam Hussein says that he only had one body double - it was Burt Reynolds. Yankees catcher Jorge Posada said this week that he soaks his hands in urine to make them tougher. In other words he rides the subway to work. The last male contestant on "American Idol" has been eliminated. Now four women are left. They say this is the most talented group of women on the planet since Clay Aiken. The gay marriage controversy continues. Today in New York City more than 800 gay men turned out to protest at city hall. The protest was cut short when it turned into a Broadway show. New York City may be opening an exclusive school just for gay students. The school will specialize in the "3 R's': reading, writing and redecorating. David Letterman The U.S. has convicted Osama bin Laden's spiritual advisor. I believe his name was Sheik Phil. Mel Gibson has re-released "The Passion'. A very powerful movie. It's basically the same movie, just six minutes shorter. What they did was take out the coffee and desert at the Last Supper Are you following the Michael Jackson trial? Last week he shows up to trial in his pajamas. You know I'm starting to think he's a little crazy and weird. [referring to the eat-naked restaurant in NYC] I'd go in and my luck would be I�d be sitting next to a guy that would want to show me his rising napkin trick. Over the weekend this story broke. A former friend of President Bush�s secretly audiotaped conversations he would have with the president. In these tapes President Bush admits he tried marijuana. That�s not all. There�s also a secret tape of Osama bin Laden and he admits to one time trying pork. A 66-year-old Romanian woman has just given birth, to be the oldest woman ever to give birth. That took a lot of courage ' from the guy that got her pregnant. Let's not forget that guy! Prince Harry started a controversy when he wore a Nazi uniform to a party. Hip guy! (Sarcastic tone) This is a fascinating story. Officials at a zoo in Anchorage, Alaska, are trying to figure out why an elephant at the zoo is always depressed. Do you think it could have anything to do with being in Anchorage? [Michael Jackson documentary] They're having a difficult time of casting. When you think about it, for Michael Jackson they need to find a bleached-faced man that's had seven nose jobs. They asked Diana Ross but she was busy. Happy Birthday today to Mickey Mouse! 76 years old today. Mickey Mouse of course lives in Laguna Beach with his long time friend Mighty Mouse. President Bush gave high praise to Condoleezza. He said she's one of our greatest Condoleezzas! I tell you, I've been thinking of something all day. Let me see what you think. Do you think it's too soon to hit on Mrs. Arafat? McGreevey's [the New Jersey Governor who is also gay] three biggest accomplishments were on the environment, improving education, and replacing those hideous drapes in the governor's mansion. Dick Cheney was happy today. He was so happy he was using his happy sneer. Are you excited about the new fall TV season? How many of you have just quit your jobs and are staying home to watch the new shows? (applause) On NBC they have a new show called "LAX.' It's a show about the Los Angeles Airport. In the first episode all the cast puts their shoes in a basket and get scanned. Election Day is right around the corner. I have some advice for my mom. All she needs to remember when she goes into the voting booth is "Yes on Indian casinos." campaign trail is getting rough. Just today John Kerry really shook things up by introducing his own lesbian daughter to the country. John Kerry spoke to a crowd in an Iowa cornfield for a half hour ' before everyone realized it was a scarecrow. Since you're already in the city you know it's fashion week. The entire city is on lavender alert! 'Playboy' is going to have a nude pictorial of McDonald's workers ' because if there's one thing you think when going into McDonald's it's "Gee, I wish I could see them naked.' Last week while the Republican National Convention was in town crime in the city was down by 40%! That's if you consider prostitution to not be a crime. President Bill Clinton is recovering from bypass surgery. The doctors say he'll be able to have sex in two weeks ' and Hillary said, "If he does, I'll kill him!' Who would have thought that his heart would be the first organ to go out? There was a robbery in Atlantic City at one of Donald Trump's casinos. Thieves got away with $8 million dollars in debt. It's the big Labor Day weekend! There'll be lots of barbeque ' and if there's one thing Americans don't get enough of its red meat and alcohol Michael Moore was at the convention last night. That explains the tight security around the buffet line. Its spring time and that means its prom season. Prom brings back so many horrible memories for me. I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don't know who was more embarrassed ' him or me. It was so hot today that Martha Stewart was looking forward to the cooler. Are you all ready for the summer blockbusters? Tomorrow "Catwoman" opens up. Here's the plot of "Catwoman". The villain tries to lure Catwoman into a trap with the sound of an electric can opener. The U.S. government is blocking research of the medicinal uses of marijuana. This according to scientists - if you consider Willie Nelson a scientist. They captured Osama bin Laden's cook. Did you know that? I believe his name is Chef Boyar-sheik. Last night the Pistons beat the Lakers in the NBA Finals. This means that this year the only Laker getting a ring is Kobe's wife. Lance Armstrong won his 6th Tour de France over the weekend. It was a huge thing. Even President Bush called him. He thanked Lance for walking on the moon.