Random humour Just a few markings in my books that I thought were funny. Shouldn't I have been studying? You be the judge: Eat with your hands... "Here, just eat the pizza with your hands." "No thanks, my hands can't swallow" (ba-dum-dum-ding) Pick up line: baby, I'd ask you how you were but seems clear to me that you're fine... so fine! (that was sizzling) And now, a series of absurd comments. What would you rather wear, Nike Air shoes or Bullet brand shoes? What concert would you rather attend: Aerosmith at Madison Square Gardens or "the singin gals" on t.v. at South Alton Community Center? What would you rather: win a new jaguar from the lottery or a plastic boat inside a kinder surpise? What would you rather: be given a massage, or be bitten by a tarantula? What would you rather eat: fresh from the oven pizza or fresh from the body bird droppings? Who would you consider a better author: Shakespeare of England or Wilburt Dunhmam of Kentshire? That's a tough one. (all very valid questions) The pianist A boy shows his teacher his composition and asks if she'll consider dating him. The teacher says "You're not man enough" and the boy runs off happily and says, "Oh thank you, thank you" When he goes home, his mom asks him, "What did your teacher think?" and the boy says, "She loved it. These were her exact words, "You're Rachmaninoff" (that wasn't even funny... sorry for wasting your time...) A letter I scribbled when I thought my teacher gave me too low a mark on poetry Fine, my words are crude and raw, not of a very "refined" taste, but it's much like uncooked bacon. See, if you gently cook it, get ride of all the fat and waste, you'll find that there is some substance, some meaning behind all the fat and excess. Analyze and cook it too long, though, and it will be carbon - CARBON! The exact same product you get if you overcook dog shit. (I don't think the teacher bought this argument) A toilet paper commercial Wouldn't that be funny if there was a toilet paper commercial like those detergent commercials where there's two screens on left and right. You know what I mean? On the left is the leading detergent, on right is the brand name. A hand wipes both dishes and when it reaches the end of the counter or plate, it shows the bottom of both of them. Okay, now imagine this commercial where a hand scrubs an ass and when it shows the paper, the brand name paper is covered in more brown... "Cottonelle: The dusty krusty colon cleaner" (Now I know why I could never get a job in marketing!) And more absurd comments: Who's position would you rather be in: about to married to someone you are deeply in love with, or a prisoner about to be whipped? Who is more famous: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of Salzburg of Wolfgang Brennan of Templeton New Jersey? Which is healthier for you: exercising and nutritious eating or shoving razor blades into your eye sockets? Which is a nicer sounding sound: a gentle guitar against a midsummer breeze or a dying crow against a fart? Which is the better Jim Carrey movie: Dumb and Dumber or the Cable Guy? Who's the better comedian: Eddie Murphy in "Raw" and "Delirious" or Chris Lau in his grade 9 presentation "Samedi Soir Roche"? What would you rather be chased by: hot looking models or hungry panthers? (Okay, even I admit I was a little messed up as a kid)