The Car Swindler by Christopher Lau Scene 1: Car salesman showing people around parking lot. Man enters with an overconfident stride. Salesman: Hi sir, what can I do for you? Man: Yeah, you see, I bought a car from you just a year ago, and I trusted that you would sell me the best car you could give. Salesman: Well, we pride ourselves in our business sir. Man: Yeah, well you see I was driving along the other day, just minding my own business when I look up ahead at the bumper and I see that it's a bit funny. So, you know, I get out of the car and for the first time in a year, I take a look at the bumper and WOW! I realize that I was sold a car with a defect! Look at it, the bumper is totally smashed! Salesman: Yes, I can see that. So you want ME to fix YOUR car that YOU busted? Man: I did not bust the car! YOU sold it to me with a defect. You sold me the car like that! Salesman: So you never noticed the broked bumper before yesterday? Man: No, what do you expect me to do? Everyday, go outside and check the bumper "Honey, I'm goin' outside to see if the bumper's in good condition" No! Of course not! You thought I'd never notice! Oh, you're good... you're very good... but you see, my warranty lasts for TWO years... heh heh (proudly)... yeah, I found it out after a year so I guess YOU'RE gonna have to fix YOUR defect Salesman: You're sure you never hit anyone Man: You'd think if I hit someone I'd know it, duh, I mean come ON, you think I'm that dumb. All I ask is that you kindly FIX THE BUMPER and I won't bother you again Salesman: Well, hold on a sec, this is a brand new model, you must've bought it from me brand new. How could there be a broken bumper on a brand new car? Man: (pause)WELL, how the heck am I supposed to know, you think I'm the "all powerful genie wizard"? "Look at me, I'm the all powerful genie wizard. I know exactly why the COMPANY MANUFACTURED A BROKEN BUMPER!" Listen... I don't know... Salesman (slightly annoyed and embarassed): Sorry sir but we can't fix it this time Man: And you call yourselves car dealers! SHAME! Man exits Scene 2: 1 week later. Salesman showing customers around parking lot. Man enters Salesman: Hi sir, have I met you someplace? Man: Yes you have, about a year ago, you sold me a car, and I thought it was a good car, it looked nice and all but... Salesman: ...but? Man: HEY, don't cut me off. I'm mad enought that you ripped me off. Alright, where was I? Yeah, the other day I was just driving along the highway, when I noticed something for the first time. "JUMPIN' JUPITER! I HAVE NO WINDSHIELD!" Ya know, after realizing I'd been driving a whole yar without a windshield, it go me thinkin man... I was scared... what if like some big rock just came flying through the air, it could have smacked me on the forehead and I would've fallen back (*man falls backward onto the hood of his car. Gets up and realized he just dented the hood of his car*)... man, then I decided to check the rest of the car, I mean, only after finding that you ripped me off TWICE and you know what I found? Salesman: What DID you find? Man: That the hood of the car was indented too! Salesman: Now wait a second, I just saw you dent the hood of the car. Just now, you sat on the hood of the car and I saw it dent... Man: I did not... just sit on the car... Salesman: Yes you did, sir, I just saw you... Man: Look, all I ask is that you fix the defects in my car, because I did not pay $10,000 for this broken fender, this smashed... I mean this MISSING windshield and this dented hood. Now just do that, and I'll be cool, I might even forgive you. I don't know how I missed these defects, but this was the condition of the your so called "Brand new car" when I bought it. "Brand" new... hah! Salesman: Sir, you're insane. I'm calling the cops. Wait here a minute. Man: Oh yeah, and make sure you tell them how mad I am at the people who keep putting tv's and stereo's in my house. That's right, like the other day, I wake up and find this brand new digital 60' t.v. just sitting there, and it's the exact same one as my neighbour's. Alright... so I know his got stolen and I feel bad, but "hello" I found it, someone put it on my doorstep. You tell them that. I can't help it if it's there. Scene 3: Somewhere in a jail in New Orleans. Man walks up to the lady serving cafeteria food Man: Ma'am I'm really disappointed in the service here. Lunchlady: This is a prison, son, not your mama's escort service. Man: Oh, good one! That was a good one.... now, well, you see, I was just walking back to my seat, minding my own business when I JUST realized that you didn't give me food. See? Just an empty plate. So just give me another serving and it'll be all cool. Lunchlady: Kid, get your white ass outta my face or I be smacking you around like a tennis ball. Man: Yes ma'am! (fade out)