1. Following are the questions listed at the ESPN Sidelines Show website, along with the answers I posted. Why I wasn't chosen to be on the show remains a mystery.
1. Will you be in
Yes
2.
In a few sentences, relate one experience (not related to A&M) that has
made you who you are today.
I think when I began
drinking alcoholic beverages, the edge came off life and I learned to lighten
up and have some fun. Growing up in a
dry county afforded few opportunities to imbibe. There were plenty of guys making the run to
Reagor Springs with their fake ID's, but I was too scared of my parents,
teachers and church-going peers to join in.
The first time I was initiated into the fraternity of alcohol
consumption was when a childhood friend who played football for
3.
What makes you laugh?
I can remember on
two occasions laughing so hard I nearly soiled myself. The first was when I was in college (the
first time) here at TEXAS A&M. I
lived in a house near sorority row with between 4 and 6 other guys. We were constantly having people over that we
had met in class or wherever. One of
these guys we had met lived on campus.
His neighbor in the dorm had a phone number that was one digit off from
the phone registration number that everyone calls to sign up for classes each
semester. When you call the correct
number, a computerized voice asks for all kinds of information (kind of like
this survey) and then prompts you to enter course numbers, section numbers and
the like by pressing numbers on the phone key pad. Needless to say, this neighbor got tired of
getting calls from touch-tone challenged students who were dialing the wrong
number, either accidentally or in an attempt to find a back door to the
system. Finally, he and some friends
decided to have a little fun. First,
they scripted the entire phone registration litany of questions by calling the
correct number and writing down what the computer asked. Next, they made a few
subtle and not so subtle changes.
Finally they sat back and waited for the phone to ring. (Someone had the foresight to have a tape
recorder handy. This was the means by
which we were let in on the gag). A
typical call went something like this:
"Thank you for calling the
The second time I almost wet myself in mirthful
merriment was shortly after I was married.
Sondra (my wife) and I were visiting some also newly married friends
back home in
4.
What personal accomplishments are you most proud of?
Anytime I finish something I
start, I'm proud. I started attending
Texas A&M as a green country boy fresh out of
5. What interests you the most about being on this show?
I've been in Aggieland a
long time but a lot of folks have been here longer, some for a lifetime. (few
have been enrolled as long!) By the time
I graduated I was going to classes with kids that were young enough to be my
children. It made me want to give
something back. I'm not a legend with
buildings named in my honor. But as a
designer I create, manufacture and install some of the awards that commemorate
the folks who are. Men like Mr. Burkhart
who was there in Junction with The Bear that sweltering summer so long
ago. Others like Mr. Gill who stood
first on the sidelines ready to go into the game when called. In college (the first time) I worked for a
sign shop where one of my jobs was to apply Old-Aggies' names to seats way up
in Kyle Field. I would go at
6.
Do you believe in absolute truths or do you think that life is filled with gray
areas?
Last time I checked black and white made gray.
7.
Would you prefer to sign a contract on the dotted line or would you be
satisfied with a handshake to close a deal?
My experience with business has taught me that a contract
is only as strong as the character of the person holding the pen. I guess that goes for the hands doing the
shaking too. Should I call my lawyer?
8.
Who is the most important person in your life?
My wife, Sondra. Without her I
would be a drunk, talentless writer instead of a sober talentless...HEY, WAIT A
MINUTE!
9.
Are you currently married or in a relationship and, if so, what is the status
of that relationship?
See 8.
10.
Who do you most admire?
I don't know many people. I
admire myself for staying sane this long.
I admire what I've read of Teddy Roosevelt, a sick scrawny kid who
worked his way physically and politically to the top of the heap while pissing
off a bunch of people on the way. His
Speech at the Sorbonne that begins, "It's not the critic that
counts..." is a sort of point of reference for me. My abridged version is, "Do SOMEthing".
11.
Would you describe yourself as someone who is always in a hurry, or do you like
to take your time?
Why do you see things in absolutes?
This is clearly a gray area.
'Always' is a word I seldom use.
It's a word my children use a lot, as in, "Patrick ALWAYS gets to
go first". We all know Patrick
doesn't ALWAYS get to go first. I would describe myself as someone who is
SOMETIMES in a hurry and who SOMETIMES likes to take my time.
12.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
”I believe in God, and
in his son Jesus Christ, and because I do, I can say this: Private Santiago is
dead and that's a tragedy. But he's dead because he had no code. He's dead because
he had no honor. And God was watching.” (See ‘A Few Good Men’)
13.
Are you the kind of person who is not bothered by a little mess or are you more
comfortable when everything is in its place?
Here you go again with this absolutes vs. gray areas stuff. Do you want me to say I believe there's a
place for everything and that it should ALWAYS be in its place? Look at our former Commander-in-chief. He wasn't bothered by a little mess and the
next thing you know he's answering questions from a
14.
Does meeting a stranger wear you out or exhilarate you?
I take sign orders from strangers all the time at work. They come in from who knows where to order
signs and banners and all manners of things.
Some know exactly what they want.
They will have their orders typed - double spaced on company letterhead
- and artwork on correctly formatted disks with graphics vectorized and fonts
embedded and a hard copy, just in case.
I could just climb over the counter and give them a big hug and kiss
although I haven't done this yet. These
people are DAMN exhilarating. Then there
are customers who don't know artwork from a crack in their sidewalk. They bring in a business card their kid has
drawn with a dull crayon and say, "Make a billboard from this in 32 colors
and, oh yeah, I need this tomorrow afternoon, but not after
15.
If a discussion becomes heated, do you tend to back down or do you stick to
your guns?
A wise person once said that even a fool appears wise if he remains
silent. No-one likes to have someone's
agenda shoved down their throat.
16.
What is most important to you, to be right or to be liked?
These aren't mutually exclusive.
It is possible to be both right and liked, unless, of course you don't
believe in absolutes in which case you just spread the gray thick while smiling.
17.
Which do you most admire - a God-given talent or financial success?
A wise person once said a person skilled in their labor will serve
before kings. See 13.
18.
When you make a decision, do you tend to consider all options carefully and deliberately
or do you make up your mind spontaneously?
Yes.
19.
What's the most interesting job you've ever had and why?
I was once manager for a summer of a shop that made fudge. It was located in the Old Post Office
Pavilion in
(sung to the tune of It's a Grand Old Flag)
"It's a grand old fudge,
it's a high flying fudge
and I want you to buy some
today..."
This got really old by the end of the summer and I began to count the
days left before I went back to school.
Actually, this was not my most interesting job, but I do feel better now
that I've gotten that off my chest.
Another time back when I was in high school, I worked for a family that
seemed immensely wealthy. There was the
patriarch, Charles C. and his wife Mona.
They lived in the big house (not to be confused with THE big house) and
owned two Cadillacs, a Suburban, a yaught, er, yaauct, uh, big boat, a swimming
pool and a chain of savings-and-loans
(this was when owning a chain of savings-and-loans was still a good thing). Their oldest daughter (#1) lived with her
husband (what’s-his-name) in a huge house to the north of Charles and
Mona. They had a Cadillac, a BMW a boat
and a land development company that could arrange financing through a chain of
local savings-and-loans. Their youngest
daughter (#2) lived with her husband (what’s-his-name #2) in a huge house to
the south of Charles and Mona. They
owned some other stuff. They were all
within walking distance of each other. I
don't know yet why a sitcom or soap hasn't been written about this
arrangement. My job description was
similar to Forest Gumps when he was in the army; I did just what any one of my many sergeants
told me to do. At any given moment I
could be found performing a task not limited to one of the following:
- working as a teller in one
of the savings and loans
- giving swimming lessons to
the grandkids
-
mowing the lawns
-
dressing up like a bellboy and rolling out the red carpet in a
commercial for the grand opening of their newest savings and loan
-
shopping for Charles D.'s (grandpa's) Christmas present at Neiman
Marcus ("just get him something golfy")
-
numbering stock certificates for...I should have read what those were
for
-
building the savings and loan float for the annual citywide parade
-
going out for groceries
-
shredding documents
-
cleaning the pool
-
chauffeuring the grandkids to and from dance class
-
purchasing matching satellite TV systems for each of the houses
-
keeping the
and on it goes. In a way this
job prepared me for my future career in ____________.
20.
Have you ever acted or performed or appeared on TV or film?
See 19.
21.
Are you dating? Where does your current relationship stand?
I continue to date a hot babe named Sondra. I’m not sure where it stands, but the laying
part is great!
22.
Where did you grow up?
I haven't grown up yet and doubt I will. I spent my younger years in rural
23.
What would someone close to you describe as your best traits?
My resemblance to the character George on Seinfield.
24.
Who do you most admire?
Dammit, I said TR!
25.
Describe a major event that has affected your life.
Passage of the 21st Amendment to the Constitution.
26.
What personal accomplishments are you most proud of?
Hopefully, one will be completion of this questionnaire.
27.
What interests you the most about being on this show?
Proofread, proofread, proofread!
28.
Have you ever been arrested, charged with a crime, or convicted of a crime? If
so, please describe and tell us when the event occurred.
I was once pulled over by the Fightin' Texas Aggie University Police
(whoop!!!) for executing a rolling stop.
This was when I discovered that those wacky 'kampus kops' were the
equivalent of State Troopers. After
accessing their computer they discovered I had an outstanding speeding ticket
from a few years before written in Big Lake county out in West Texas (if a
black hole ever crashed into the earth, this is where it hit - don't believe
me? find it on a map). I was kept within 'arm's reach' until my wife
produced a check for the amount owed.
Does this count?
29.
Are you low maintenance or high maintenance?
Give me a Shiner and set me in a corner.
30.
What are your five-year professional goals?
I think world peace has been tried and it’s always disappointing, so
I’ll leave that one out. I think making
goals is important and I plan to come up with some very professional sounding
ones within the next five years. First,
though, I plan to finish graduate school.
I think twenty years has been a reasonable amount of time to wrap things
up. There's so much to learn!
31.
What are your five-year personal goals?
I have trouble separating my professional and personal lives and plan
to do better in this area. I plan to
remain married. I plan to keep my
children away from journalists. See 30.
32.
Do you have any artistic talents?
This is another one of those gray areas. I can play a few basic chords on the
guitar. I can tune a guitar with a
little help. I draw real pretty. I enjoy singing when there are a lot of other
people singing a lot louder than I am.
Most of my talents, though, are of the non-artistic variety.
33.
Have you ever hit someone? If so, describe the circumstances.
Once in 2nd grade I got really worked up over something and the nearest
person around was the biggest guy in class.
Well I just starting swinging away but could only reach the top of his
stomach. He just stood there and cried
like a baby. I felt awful and never hit
anyone again. But I did GET hit
plenty!
34.
Would you ever go to a nude beach?
When I go to a beach, it becomes one sooner or later.
35. Tell us about your best and worst experiences as an Aggie
fan.
Best - beating
36.
Do you fall in love easily?
Every time.
37.
Have you ever cheated?
Have you ever lied?
38.
How do you handle conflict?
When possible, I avoid conflict.
When conflict is not avoidable, I negotiate. When negotiation fails, I run like hell.
39.
If you were the President of the United States, what would be the first thing
you would do?
My first act as President of the
40.
Do you like to spend time in groups or by yourself?
Schizophrenia solves so many problems.
41.
What would you absolutely NOT do for a million dollars?
I would not do whatever you told me not to do for a million dollars.
42.
Tell us an embarrassing story about yourself.
“Once upon a time I fell asleep filling out a seemingly endless
questionnaire and someone pulled my pants down, took a photo and posted it on
the Internet. The End.”
43.
What makes you laugh?
Proofread, proofread, proofread.
44.
Are you spontaneous?
When required.
45.
What are your hobbies?
I like to try new things.
46.
Do you have any children? Describe them.
Jessica, 8 - A lot
like her dad (uh, that would be me).
Spontaneous, a natural leader even if no one wants to be led, active,
athletic, stubborn and artistic.
Patrick, 7 - Quiet (compared to Jessica), mechanically gifted,
observant, careful and warm.
Kenneth, 5 - Talkative, LOUD, aggressive, angelic and tough.
47.
Describe your childhood.
ALONE in the country, an only child with no close neighbors, my mind
became the fields I explored, fertile soil for imagined adventures.
Tell
us your thoughts on:
48. Abortion
I’m in favor of extending the statute into, say, the 180th
trimester.
49.
Affirmative action
No one likes having somebody else's agenda shoved down their
throat. Law doesn't change the heart.
50.
The death penalty
It reduces the murder rate among the person doing the murdering every time,
unless you think the one applying the penalty is the one doing the murdering.
51.
Interracial marriage
People are people. To couples so
inclined I advise fortitude; I'm sure a portion of society doesn't share my
sentiment.
52.
Euthanasia
Was this an 80's rock band? (See
48)
53.
Gun control
I'll control my gun, you control yours.
54.
Homosexuality
I'm happy straight.
55. Do you ever feel intimidated by others? When? Why? How do
you react in these situations?
Rarely. I think it has involved the business end of
lethal weapons being waved in my direction.
I usually negotiate. When that
fails, I run like hell.
56. Do you like having your picture taken?
...as long as fingerprinting isn't involved.
57.
What do you fear most? Why?
I fear my computer crashing before these answers are submitted. I fear children who don't know their father.
58.
Would you rather be brilliant or popular? Why?
I prefer being brilliant AND popular!
59.
Do you have any regrets?
I regret I don't have more time to spend on some of these answers.
60.
Do you talk to strangers on planes? Who starts the conversation?
I ALWAYS start the conversation and usually end up serving drinks.
61.
Do you smoke cigarettes?
Once or twice a decade when I've' let my hair down' a little too far.
62.
Do you drink alcohol? What do you drink?
I drink alcohol, usually in moderation.
I like Shiner Bock with barbeque and cheese, a rum and coke, Chevis
& soda or gin and tonic occasionally after work or when eating out at a
chain restaurant, light beer on ice at the beach, wine when eating out
someplace fancy or at home with my wife, and Cuervo warm from the bottle when I
can 'let my hair down'.
63.
Do you use recreational drugs?
I once took Tylenol on a camping trip.
64.
Tell us about a recent argument you had with someone. Who usually wins?
Who usually ends your arguments?
I recently got a call from a telemarketer who persistently tried to get
me to open a Mastercard account. While I
enjoyed the running skirmish, I eventually got tired and decided to have a
little fun. I asked if he would be
interested in purchasing some old underwear.
He replied that he wouldn’t, and went quickly back to his
presentation. I countered, using the
same tactic. This went on for four or
five turns until he hung up. It ended
the argument. You judge who won.
