| Bubbles O Thought |
| Tuesday July 31st 12:04am It's so frustrating when the same thing happens over and over and over again, a cycle, that never ends. Especially ones that seem to have ended, but then once again, as always, you are reminded that it is truly a never ending cycle. Oh well, I've given up trying to think that the cycle will end. I guess that's good in a way, b/c i can let go and detach myself more and just not let it get to me so much by just getting away. Wow, i sound so vague right now... Yesterday I was so mad and frustrated at my dad, but i knew I couldn't deal with another escalated yelling match with me super super heated, so I just turned off the computer, went straight to my room and went to sleep at 9:30pm :P Oh my goodness, when I was lying on my bed, I felt so much anger, so much frustration, so much unexplainable emotion, from the things he had said, from the whole repeating cycle thing, from just EVERYTHING, and it was like when you cry, not from sadness, nor from happiness, but crying from sheer frustration. That doesn't happen too much, whcih is a good thing, but yeah. *s i g h* And all that was somethign I just didn't want to have to deal with anymore, and so I was thinking about how much I want to be back at Berkeley, away from home, and away from his angry voice and his twisted face, but then I started to cry, this time not out of frustration, but out of sadness, b/c I realized just how much I was gonna miss my mom now. I guess over these past weeks, we've been spending a lot of time together, just eating, talking, hanging out, working on stuff together, and even though I had felt like she was my best friend since the beg of senior year of high school, for some reason, i feel even closer to her now. *s i g h* Why do things always have to be so 2 directional, eh? I'm not complaining though. And then that made me think, about how the summers will prob be the only times I would live at home, and about if I would come home next summer, or if I would have to take summer school at Berkeley. And it really scares me, the thought of how after these 4 (or 5) years of summers, I'm out of school. Will I be out on my own? Will i live on my own? And if so, I won't ever be able to just hang out w/ my mom again, like it used to be. *s i g h* I mean, of course we'll be able to hang out, but it's just different when u're not living at home. Just like how it felt kinda out of place and different when I would come home on weekends to visit during the school year. It just wasn't the same. And I thought of how my mom visits her mom about once every week or two, since she lives kinda far away, and i thought about how it would be for me, when I have my own family, and me visitng my mom. Such a weird thought. Sometimes I feel really sorry for my dad. He has some kind of barrier or thingamajig in his brain or soemthing that makes him not see or understand certain things. I don't know how to explain it. Guess you'd have to be there. My page is so boring now, I want to learn html, just so i can do more stuff on it. Don't ask my why I wanted to write my entry in newspaper like columns today. I'm weird, and it just felt right for some reason. Oh yeah, and the reason why I am allowed online now, at 12:39am, w/ my hw not being done, is b/c my dad is asleep. How I wish he was an early sleeper, and not an owl like me! Wed July 11th, 2001 10:38pm I just wanted to share this passage I read last night in my daily devotional reading supplement thingy that really touched me: “Realize the remarkable truth that the Holy Spirit is praying for you. Romans 8:26 says that the Spirit understands your difficulties when you cannot even express them, and He prays to the Father for you.” And then I looked up the verse… “Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” I never knew this at all and it just made me cry (moving, good cry, not sad cry) how during my darkest, saddest, most alone times, there was even always still someone, there, praying for me, and knowing my deepest prayers and feelings of despair and hurt, all those feelings that you can’t put into words, and crying out feelings that you can’t put into words, are being cried out and sighed out for you when you can’t get it out into words, and the knowledge of that comforted me a lot. And especially during these times, when a lot of our friends are going through hard times and a lot of sad stuff is happening to people in my church, and I’m really thankful that God placed this in my quiet time. Yeah, just wanted to share this, to let you all know, during those hard times, that you’re never alone on your sadness, ever! Sunday June 17th, 2001 9:04pm Man, it's so weird when you think something's gonna be one way, but then it turns out it isn't, and then the disappointment then questioning then resolve then confusion then [blank] ...... Wednesday June 6th, 2001 12:28am UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so frustrated! ARGH! And I don’t even know why! Today, I was so very frustrated at the littlest things, and everything seemed to annoy me! I don’t know why!!!!!!!!!! Like, even when we were all praying as a family, the sound of my dad’s low voice talking quietly annoyed me so much that I had to plug up my closest ear with my finger because I absolutely couldn’t stand it. It was so weird, I’ve never been annoyed by his voice before, and I don’t know why I was today. And like today when I started chatting, I got so confused, and they got confused and didn’t get what I was trying to say and AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! UGH!!!!!! *scream* I don’t know what the heck is wrong!!!!! And I feel like I want to cry now too, I don’t know why. What the freak is wrong with me!?!?!? And when I explain stuff and do stuff w/ my mom, I’ve been really short and getting upset easily, like when I’m trying to explain adobe to her, or when we were moving furniture today. I was being edgy and pushy and critical and “ugh, let me do it.” Oh no, am I turning into the thing that I dislike most about my mom? Oh my gosh, I think I am, or I already am, or AAARRRGGHHHHHHH, I dunno what’s wrong. Or another thing, I feel like I’m gonna get my period soon…. is this my first PMS?? Man, I’v never gotten it before, I DON’T WANT PMS, AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( And I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up about nothing, ACK! I hate this……… : ( Ok, I have to make a big effort NOT to be like this *deep breath* Dear Lord, please give me patience and love and forgiveness and self-control especially now because I need it so much. : ( May 20th, 2001 10:34pm I'll Be by Edwin Mccain is playing... :*( Oh my gosh, I'm just being overwhelmed by so many sad things, leaving college, my H.S. being torn down for sure, everything....this is weird...I don't think I've ever been crying with MORE than one thing on my mind causing the tears... Sunday May 20th, 2001 around 5-6pm?? Well, here I am, at home. I'm at a lost for words now, I really don't know what to say. I feel like my brain is empty, a blank paper, while at the same time my emotions are overflowing to the brim, but I can't seem to transfer it over to the paper. My hippocampus is defective (sorry, mcb reference..). *sigh* We'll here goes, i'll try my best.... This year has been so much more than I had ever imagined that it could be, and the bonds I've created here with you all is something so deep. And like, leaving it all, leaving you all, and somewhere in the back of my mind knowing that, although it will be a different kind of good next year, it won't ever be the same again and that we're all not gonna be together during these next 3 months, makes me feel this incredibly empty void. Like how you feel after a break up with someone who was sooo close to you (except now it's more than just one person), who you used to talk to everyday, see everyday but now it's not anymore.... that feeling like someone's torn out a part of your insides. I can't believe this year has ended... and like how An said, the ending of this year has hit me so much harder than I had ever imagined that it would. I knew I would be sad, and I knew that I would cry (yes, i know myself well... he he), but like, I was totally unprepared for this void and the depth of these feelings. I guess you just take it for granted and don't feel like you'll ever miss it, especially we constantly had each other everyday, basically 24 hours a day for so long. Man *sigh* I still can't believe it'll never be like that again. At home here, it's weird because one moment I'll feel like I'm okay, like I'm handling it ok, but then the next minute it'll suddenly change and that feeling will sweep over me again, and then it will go back again. And the only people who understand how I feel are all far away I remember that time during first semeseter when a few of us were in An and I's room and, randomly, Justin was there talking to us too, and he was telling us how he could tell that what all us "freshmen" had, that bond between us all, was something really special and rare and it was something that he never really had or hasn't really found in college yet, and how he told us to work our hardest to and try our best to maintain that. And at that time, I remember knowing what he was talking about, but it never hit me until now how rare and special it really is. Just looking back, I feel so utterly blessed and thankful and lucky and fortunate that I was able to find and create those kind of bonds with you all in my FIRST year! It's like that saying: "you never really appreciate what you have until you don't have it anymore." I think that sums it up pretty well, and I just wanted to say that SOOO appreciate it now, even though we know it's not "gone" and that we'll still have it....ok, so maybe that didn't really sum it up all that well. Yeah, sorry this is going on so long... I feel like I can only let it out when I babble, he he. I feel a lot better after writing out a lot of this, kinda like when you let it all out by crying (you should try it sometime, if you haven't already :)), it's a nice release. Man, in the car after we dropped off Bruce, i felt SOO mentally and emotionally drained from the past few days, i couldn't even really think straight. That's why it's taken me this long (and a loong make-up sleep) to respond to the e-mails. But the nice thing is that AIM isn't ONLY a curse like we always call it. It's my place of comfort, my place of familiarity, because it's my connection to you all and when I chat, it feels like you all could just be in the next room or down the hall. Yeah, like it felt so nice and refreshing and uplifting today when i signed onto AIM for the first time since leaving Berkeley and got to talk to people. And it was familiar, even with An, since we DID often IM each other, he he. Yup, so now, I think I will end it here. I have so much more inside, but I don't think I can pull it all out now. I miss you all, everyone, terribly, so much, and yeah, it's so refreshing and nice when I get an e-mail from any one of you, so yeah, e-mail away! I hope we can all KIT through e-mail and hope that none of us will ever become strangers to each other. I love all you all. See you online or soon! With fond regards and love, aimee :a) p.s. An, our room was so bare and cold last nite when I finally left, it was so sad... *sigh* Thursday May 10th, 2001 3:09am On Sunday, I went to New Church with Diana, and one sentence the pastor said really REALLY just struck me so much. He was talking about how when Jesus was crucified on the cross, it wasn’t just the physical pain of the crucifixtion that Jesus had to suffer and endure, it was along with all the emotional and mental pain and suffering that results from sin that he also had to feel. Hmm, here, I’ll try to clarify. Ok, like, well, the reason why God has his laws against sinning is in order to basically protect ourselves from ourselves, from hurting, pain, sorrow, suffering. For example, He tells us not to steal, because he knows that when something is stolen from you, you feel sad and angry and hurt from it. He tells us not to commit adultery, because he knows that it hurts us emotionally when someone we love cheats on us and premarital sex hurts our future spouses. He tells us not to covet, not to be jealous, because he knows it tears us up inside when we are. He tells us to Honor our parents because he knows how much it hurts a parent when their child rebels or disobeys them and how beneficial and preventative of pain it is for us as children to listen to and learn from the wisdom of our elders. He tells us not to lie, because he knows how much it hurts when someone lies to you, especially someone you love, and how lies of anyone can hurt lots of people. He tells us not to murder, because obviously if someone you love is murdered, it hurts so much, and no one wants to be murdered because that just sucks-- it’s a way of stealing, because someone is stealing your life, your potential away from you. And so on and so on for all His commandments. He understands so well how the human emotional condition works, through and through, since he IS the one who wired us, so to speak, he he. :) So like, when we DO sin, or others sin against us, we feel so down, so hurt, so sad. And like, since ever since Adam, we are intrinsically sinful, there’s no way we can stick to God’s commandments perfectly because we are imperfect. There’s no way we could ever, on our own, enter God’s Kingdom because that requires what God asks of us—perfection. And the thing that is the most unbelievable thing is that God loved us SOOOOO much, that he sent his only son down in human form, to live a PERFECT life, u see? Perfect, he had no sin, Jesus had no sin! Yet He was put on the cross to die and take the burden of OUR sins, when he himself held no blame, so that through Him we COULD enter God’s Kingdom and live in eternity with God. That was how it had to be-- only someone with no sin could die for our sins. And like, whenever I had thought about how Jesus died for us, I always only thought about the pain of the nails through his hands and feet, the pain of the whippings and the pain of the spears, and the pain of his disciples abandoning him and hiding away in fear. But what I didn’t realize or think about is that he actually had to carry, along with the sin (past, present, AND future) of the whole world, he also had to carry with it ALLL the pain, the suffering from all that sin. SO it’s like, think about that time in your life when you were the saddest, most hurt time in your like (maybe like when someone you loved betrayed you, or when someone you loved left you, or broke up with you, or treated your badly) or anything like that, and imagine that what Jesus suffered and felt that day on the cross was THAT worst feeling in your life….multiplied by what, how many millions of times. Can you even imagine that kind of pain? Can you even imagine IMAGINING the degree of that kind of pain? I sure as heck can’t, it’s so unbelievable and overwhelming! And then when I think about that God KNEW that he was going to put His only Son through that kind of agony. He KNEW how much it was going to hurt him, and just imagine being a mother or father, and you have only one son that you love so much more than even your own life,… would you be able to put him through somehting that you knew would hurt him so much? And like, realizing that, and realizing that God loved US, US so much that he was willing to put His son on the cross to pay that magnitude of a price. I mean, seriously, who are WE!?!! Who am I? Who am I that Jesus had to die for me? Seriously, I’m so sinful, I’m so inperfect, so low, so little, but God loved us all so much, loved humankind so much that He DID do that just for us. Sent Jesus to die for all of our past, present, and even future sins. Doesn’t that just blow your mind away? Where can you find that kind of grace, that kind of undeserved, unconditional love except from Jesus Christ? ~sigh~, God is so awesome, seriously. Yeah, it just amazes me. I’m astounded. Every time I just try to imagine or think about that concept, that thing that I just took up so much space writing about, it just amazes me. Amazes doesn’t even give it justice. I’m speechless! Oh! Need to talk about another thing! He he. This is somehting I hecka want to thank and praise God for. Ok, yesterday I went with my friend Diana to this Christian Bookstore. We walked in, started looking around, and like suddenly one of the guys working there came over and started talking A LOT and sharing about lots of stuff, like verses, and books, and writings, and stuff. At the time he just seemed like an enthusiastic Christian who liked to share lots of stuff. And he was saying how these guys, Witness Lee and Watchman Nee have written the best study material to the Bible, the best above all, etc. etc. and he pointed at this whole wall of books and pamphlets all by these people. At the time, I didn’t feel any kind of weird alert. But as he kept talking and talking, he started pointing out things, such as how a lot of churches today who follow a hierarchy are on the wrong track, and how it should be, instead, this and that and stuff like that. I listened to what he said, and the verses he showed me, it actually kind made a bit of sense to me, but he had been talking for a LONG time, and finally we had our chance to leave. As we left, I felt kinda relieved, just cause he had talked for so long, but some of the points he made actually made me think and start to question about how my church was, and how almost all the chuches were. It made me think so much that that day for dinner in the DC, during my mealtime prayer I also prayed and asked God to let me know if what this guys said was something that was really true, and to let me know if how our churches now were wrong and what is the right way that He wanted. So yeah, we ate, and then came back to my dorm room. And then, Diana IMed me with these websites, and one of them was like title “My testimony of being a 5 ½ year member in the “Local Church” cult of Witness Lee” or something like that, and I jumped! The scary thing is that I had actually started to kind of listen and absorb what that guy in the bookstore had said to me. I read through this guy’s testimony and account, and in it, he described a lot of things that they believed and what they stressed and emphasized and things they did, and it was SOOO freaky because in that about hour long talk that guy had with me, he had included almost EVERYTHING! All the chanting practices, and the prophesying, and even the vocabulary they used was exactly the same that the website guy described. It was scary! And then, as I read more about what the cult, or “cult” does is try to recruit college kids the most, because they are the easiest, and how they have this organization called “Christians on Campus” and they have people who meet with kids on campus and other stuff, it hit me that this encounter with the bookstore had not been my first encounter with these people. Like, in the beginning of the year, this woman kept calling me asking me to meet up for bible study with her during the day on campus, and I thought “hmm, bible study sounds good” so I agreed, and went. And like it was okay, but some of the things she did, like chant praying, repeating things over and over, seemed kinda weird to me. She also invited me to sat night dinner things at someone’s house and stuff, but I always said I was busy, just because I didn’t fee like going. So after a few times, I felt not really into the bible studies even though I don’t really know why, so I declined and avoided phone calls and eventually, she stopped calling. And it was when reading the online testimony that I realize that that woman was part of the Christians on Campus organization, and it was so weird how the online thing said that they like to have Sat. night dinners to invite college kids to, and that that woman had invited me to a Sat. nite dinner thing. It was just scarily chilling, the way it all fit together. And the online thing was saying how difficult it was for people to get out of cults, and how emotionally traumatizing it is, and I just want to thank God that he protected me and made me not get involved into this cult before it was too hard for me to get out, and there were TWO close chances when I could have gotten caught into it, but both times God protected me, and I am just very grateful and thankful, and so I had to share about that. ? And also to warn others about it, because I wish I had known about this cult before, so that I could have watched out for it, since it’s very hard to distinguish a cult from a sect, because, like in that bookstore (which was cult-supported, by the way) the man was using verses from the Bible to back up what he was saying and stuff. Yeah, so here is the website of that man’s testimony online. It’s pretty interesting stuff, to read about, and makes you understand and be more aware. Some of it is soo sad :( yeah, so here it is: http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/~dazuma/lcinfo/azuma/part0.html And for you Berkeley people, the bookstore is that one in Sather Way, that place where Yogurt Park is. It’s called Amana Christian Bookstore. (that bookstore name was also mentioned in the website as “their” bookstore) Whew, wow, that was a lot of writing for one night…. Wow, it’s 4:46 now! Time for bed. :) Monday, May 28th, 2001 3:19am Today, I was at this intimate family church friends dinner thingy with my family and 3 other families (along with their kids) at one of the family's houses, and I was sitting around a table with my brother, a good friend in my grade, and her littler sister who is 13. As we were talking, someone mentioned age, and the littler girl said "Wow, i'm gonna almost be barely able to drive by then!" and then I said "Wow, i'm gonna be almost.......20?" And the moment that thought entered my mind and came out of my mouth, it was like a huge thing has just hit me hard on the head. Oh my goodness, 20?!?!?!?! 20?!??!?!?!?!? *with a bizarre look of complete and utter astonishment on my face* I know Dec is still far away (1,2,3...7), in like 7 months, but I know that time will fly by like nothing, and oh my gosh.... just thinking about it again now gives me the weird feeling that I had at the moment at the dinner table, except now since I'm alone, I can reflect on it more and it's hitting me even harder now and even MORE scarier. Oh my goodness, I CAN'T be almost 20, I just can't! I mean, I totally feel like I'm 16 or 17 or something, and just the fact that soon I won't be in my "teens" anymore, just blows my mind away and makes me feel this incredibly sad and kinda empty feeling. It's like saying goodbye to your childhood (ha ha, yeah, i haven't given that up yet....), goodbye to being young and acting young, and even though I know I'm not gonna drastically change in behavior (or size, i know THAT one for sure ;) though I DO wish that one would change, he he...ok, gotta stop tangent.) when my age no longer has a "1" in the front, still, I dunno. Something about the number "20" or any of the Twenties, is so scary and intimidating to me. Gosh, am I really already grown up? that OLD?!?! And like, all through the night, after we reveled about the weird fact that I am gonna be 20 sometime soon, my college-age friend would in good-nature keep making fun of me by saying "Yup, Aimee's not ready to be 20" everytime I'd do or say something, ummm, more childish (He he, and it's not like, stupid immature childish, more like, silly childish) or like sword fight crazily with the little kids and stuff, and every time she mentioned it (which was about like 8 times or so), it made me re-realize how much I really didn't feel like or act like a 19 year old in college, and it made me kinda happy in a way because I was having so much fun!!! he he :) I feel like I'm Peter Pan, trying to never grow old, but I'm not in Neverland, so I'm continuing to grow older beyond my control. I feel like just yesterday I was a little girl, just yesterday I was in middle school, just yesterday I was a young highschooler. And it's not that feeling that middle-aged people get (or at least I don't think it is) about like how they are scared about losing their youth and being called "old folk" (or maybe it is, I will know more accurately once I hit my mid-life crisis ;) ) Mine is more like sad, sad because I can never go back, can't stay how I am, kinda.... I dunno, I think it's that whole "hating change" thing again. I don't want to grow up (just yet) so fast, I want to stay a little girl, I like being able to lean on my mom or dad when I need to (not like I can't when I'm an adult, but it's just not the same *sigh), and like yeah... like, when I turned from 18 to 19, it was kinda cool, I didn't really feel any different, just one more day, and now I'm 19, u know? And yeah, someontimes I have been known to accidentally say I'm 18, instead of 19. SEE WHAT I MEAN, HOW I FEEL?!?!?! And even though I tell my parents not to nag me over and over EVERY, SINGLE DAY about stuff, and I feel like I want to be independent and handle everything on my own, I think somewhere in my subconscious, I need that (parently concern), and it's comforting to me, knowing that my parents are there to be my parents. And it's not like I wanna stay a kid forever, you know? I really am looking forward to growing up, having a family of my own, etc. and everything, but like, it just feels TOOOOO fast, i'm not ready to move on!!!!!!!!! Man, and today, after playing with all these little and littler kids tonight (cards, hide and go seek, LEGOS, yeah man, we had a blast!) and my brother and that 13 year old girl til 1am (yeah, the parents had good long talks), I remembered how much I enjoyed playing with little kids and enjoy just being a little kid with them, and it makes me wonder.. Will I ever not ever be able to do that later? Will I move past that point, "grow up" as one might say, and not have the ability or desire to be like that when I'm older? And I honestly can't say, but yeah, it just scares me and makes me sad thinking about it. Yeah, who am I kidding? I just feel like I'm a 14 year old who's "age" is growing up way too fast for me.... and I am just really scared and sad. *sigh* man, life moves so fast, too fast. 4:35 am On another note..... YAYAYAYAYYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYY!!!! I passed my Comp Sci 3 class!!!! Oh my goodness, you don't know how shocked, relieved, happy, grateful, happy, surprised, "YESSSS!!!", and happy I am! I just checked it, oh my gosh, you can't even imagine how close to NPing I was for that class!!!! Before the final, I found out that if I had gotten a perfect on the final, I would have gotten a B-, AT THE HIGHEST, since his CS tests are KILLER, I knew that I was treading a thin line btwn passing and not passing, argh, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! And I even got a 22 out of 40 on my freakin' stupid Ace Up project! (darn that Aces up!) Oh my goodness, it's unbelievable, seriously, like I said once before, it's seriously by the grace of God that I passed this class, oh my goodness, yeah, praise and thanks to the Lord!!!!!!!!! :) YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY, WHOOOPPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Now, about that French grade...... :P :) :) :) :) :) |