thoughtsmore

Thurs. 5/3/01 10:22pm
......Hee hee, some more cool thoughts from the sharings of people tonight at AACF! :) Well, I've been really stressed with school because in the back of my mind I worry a lot about grades and how well I'm doing in class in stuff, and a lot of what people said today made me realize that I shouldn't worry about it, which makes me ONE happier student. :) This one guy was saying how he learned that you shouldn't hold on too tightly to what you think is best for yourself becuase God has something even better than what you can imagine, planned for you. :) Also, this other guy shared about how he spent his first 2 years basically ONLY studying b/c he was trying to get into HAAS, but now looking back, he regrets that he didn't put more time in other stuff like ministry becuase ultimately grades and school shouldn't be your own and main focus, because like, you could have a 4.0 GPA and the best internship, but if God doesn't have it in his plan for you to get into HAAS, then you won't get it. And yet on the other hand, if you have a 3.0 GPA and are jobless but God has it in his plan for you to go to HAAS, then it will happen! Whew, wow, yeah, that thought lifted a huge burden off my shoulders, b/c of the whole GPA thing and grad school and jobs and stuff. To be reassured once more that everything is in God's hands and he's taking care of everything even more than I could EVER do for myself, is so relieving. :) I always seem to keep forgetting that!!!!! :P :)

Monday 4/30/01 4:27am
It's so weird how we're all going to be moving out and living elsewhere next year, but I guess it just never hit me until today. Maybe it was from church today, when I mentioned how quickly my freshman year went by and a girl said "Yeah, it just keeps going by faster and faster every year," plus how during the meeting today, Karen said "By May 20th, your rooms have to be completely empty and you have to be out of the dorms by 10:00 am." I dunno, maybe it's even more stuff that I can't think of, but for some reason, the heavy realization about how different things are gonna be really hit me today, straight in the stomach. I don't know why I hate change so much, don't know why I could just sit content in my little bubble, but I just DO! :P And like, i know change is good for growth and stuff, but ~sigh~ I dunno, i think my emotions override my head sense. Hmmmm, actually, i think I do know why I hate change so much. I think it's because I get really emotionally attached to everything, whether it be people, schedules, events, my room, even little scraps of paper from certain memories (hmm, i guess that explains my pack-ratedness, huh?). And whenever I have to leave a certain thing, change a certain way, I feel like a little part of me has been torn off when I have to say goodbye to things, which is why I hate it, hate the pain, hate that physical dull pain, that endless pit, empty stomach feeling (even though it's stuffed chock full of junk food), u kno? kinda like that feeling when your significant other just broke up with you, and you just got home and are sitting in your room by yourself, feeling the full effect of it (but of course, that is a little more extreme than right now, but still...like that....). : ( aack, go away! :P ~sigh~ I don't want my heart to tear, I don't want to mend up tears with new things and glue, even though I know it is for the better. Just the thought of having to pack everything of mine up, having to empty out everything, that last glance back at an empty and cold dorm room where I've created and built up so many memories. And it won't ever be the same again, no more dorm rooms, and even though I know I'll visit a lot (he he), it just won't be the same, b/c I know I don't live here, belong here like I did before. Even though I have Bricky to look forward to, see? The emotion over the mind. :P The scariest part though, is seeing how fast this year went by, and how little time it seemed that we all had together (since time flies when you're truly enjoying yourself =)). I mean, how can a school year go by FASTER than this year did?!?!?!?!!?! Is that even realistically possible?!?!!! This year went by SOOO fast I'm in shock at it still! <: ( Before I came to college, I remember the thing that worried me the most was that I wouldn't find a group of good friends that I'd become close with. You know, that whole phobia of just going to and fro from your dorm room for class, study and eating. So months ahead, I remember, when we would have family prayer time, my prayer request would constantly be to find at college the group of friends that God wanted for me, since I know that God's judgement is the best, even better than mine, he he. :) And sure enough, he answered my prayers with all the people I've become close to on my floor this year, because I couldn't imagine for myself a better group of people and I really thank the Lord so much!!!! :) I don't want to lose that, so i'm afraid! He he, corny time..... :) Yeah, well, i feel better now, now that it's kinda gotten off my chest. : ) Guess I'll just wait til the next feeling of sadness, he he. :)

Wednesday April 25th, 2001 1:18pm
I have SSOOOO much to write about, that I can write about, that I want to write about...but somehow, I don't know where to start, how to start, don't even know if I want to start... such a legitamate contradiction..... does that make any sense? Argh!

Friday March 30th, 2001 4:09pm
Today I was just on the computer, killing time and going to random websites, and for some reason, I decided to go to my old High School's page. For some time now, I had come to the conclusion that I'm totally over high school (ha, I'm talking about it as if it were an ex-boyfriend or something =) ) and that I'm so much more happy at Berkeley (which still holds true), but for some reason, as I was reading through the daily bulletin that had been read to me for the last 4 years of my life, and as they were describing the winter sports rally, elections, the canned food drive, plays, and 4th period leadership and all that, I sunddenly had this really strong feeling of nostalgia and sadness swept over me. I don't know why I'm so sad that I could cry now, because I know that I am really happy where I am now. It's weird. Maybe it's just that those 4 years were just a big part of my life and I went through so much. I mean, duh, i'm sure that's it, u kno? :) But why am I getting so nostalgic now, when I thought I was just fine with high school being over? Man, all those memories, the front lawn at lunch, sports, classes, the dances, brunch, the people. I think a big part of what I miss is the people, the close friends who I shared so much with. It's so different now, and like, even though I hang out with them still and it's just like it was before, it's still different. Because we're all involved in different things, living in different worlds, and something I can't really put my finger on, is still different. I wonder if college will have as big of an impact on my as high school did. For some reason, the way I'm seeing it now, it will, but it will be a different kind of impact, u kno? Like, I don't think I'll ever feel that closeness to such a large group of people as I did in high school, even though I didn't personally know most of them, but just how I had seen and grown up with a lot of those people. The acquaintances in my life. And like, that overwhelming nice and together feeling that I got when we all packed into the performing arts center for our rallies. I dunno, it's just different than when you're standing in the student crowd at a Cal football game. Everyone surrounding me, there, are complete strangers. Except, of course, my close college friends! :) I think that makes me feel even more blessed, becuase I don't know HOW I know, but somehow I know that I'm especially lucky to have become friends with specifically MY friends at college (specifically the people I'm close to on my floor! :) ), specifically each and every one of them, and somehow, I dunno why again, I know that those relationships with those people wi ll be just as enriching and meaningful as the ones I had in high school, or even more, becuase I don't know what the future will bring, u know what i mean? :) That made me feel a lot better now, no more feeling of wanting to cry, Yay! :) Oh my goodness, I just realized........ was that a mini ROLLERCOASTER!?!??? LOL, whooaaa :)

Friday March 30th, 2001 3:05am
.......????? Indecisive, confused, I know, yet I don't.......

Tuesday March 13th, 2001 11:58pm
I've never felt so happy and so sad at the same time in my life. I just got off the phone with my brother and had the first one-on-one conversation that lasted more than just 2 minutes in like, literally years. We used to be really close when we were younger, and like we would have random sleepovers in each other's rooms and just talk and laugh about stuff, but for the last few years, we've gotten so distant and I even felt for a long time that I didn't even know him anymore. So now, during my 1/2 hour long phone chat with him, I felt so happy and giddy the entire time! :) :) That's the reason why i'm SOOOOOOO happy!!! :) But I'm also SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sad too. :( I asked him if he was smoking less (yeah, he smokes cigarettes) and he said not really. And when I asked him in a nice way how many he smoked a day, he told me that he smokes a little less than 2 per hour, and I asked him if he he wanted to cut down or have his friends help him cut down, and he said no, not right now, and so I asked him why, and he said 'because I'm addicted!' And for some reason, it just hit me how powerless he is against this stupid nicotine and how much control it has over him. I asked him if he WANTED to be not addicted, and he said yeah. So now, I am just so sad that he can't help himself and that he's like a slave to cigarettes. And it just really breaks my heart knowing that he's damaging his lungs and himself so much. :( I'm gonna sooo pray sooo earnestly that he'll break his addiction. I hope it happens asap! Weird how such two widely different things and emotions can make you cry the same much for both, huh? elation and heartbreak- weird combo...

2/26/01 12:24am
WOW. Today (well, technically yesterday) I went through the hardest, most frustrating test/ midterm I've ever gone through in my whole life! Well, i guess that's not a lot to say, considering the short span of my college career, but still! It was for Computer Science 3, the prereq to the CS prereq! :P Four hours long!!!!! (b/c he let us have more time and 90% of the people stayed!). The hour before the midterm, I felt scared because for some reason. I don't ever remember ever in my life feeling so stressed about a test (because usually I don't stress AT ALL about tests). I guess I really wanted to do well on this midterm (unlike for chem) and I was getting really nervous and stressing out, and so I called my mom to ask if we could pray together to help me calm down and do well, because it really calms me down for anything when my mom and I pray together. It happend that parents were out to dinner, and my grandma picked up, so I asked her if she could pray for me about my test, and so she said she would and she hung up. It felt good that I had at least talked to my grandma, but was still feeling really stressed and stuff, esp. because I didn't get to share and pray with my mom. Then the phone rang, and I thought "oh! it's mom!", but to my surprise, it was my aunt all the way from Irvine who called, and she said that grandma had called her to ask her to pray for me. So she told me that my uncle was going to pray with me, and so he did. And while he was praying, I was so touched because I know that God knew how much it meant to me to be able to pray with my mom on the phone, but since she was out, he still provided that comfort through someone else. That phone-call prayer really helped me out, and I felt better instantly. And it just really makes me feel so lucky and loved that even a little thing like that, God accounted for and helped me out. I just couldn't help it, so while my uncle was praying, the tears just started rolling out. :) he he, i know, overly sentimental, but I couldn't help it! Man, God is just so good and so awesome!!!