Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: Why did God create woman?
A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow
Q: How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A: Phone her.
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think men care.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q: What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A: One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, she's been told twice already.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry her!
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.