A sea of 8 year olds waving green glowsticks, a vision of Hell? Warm-up performances by Aaron Carter, Mikaila, and the amazing A*Teens, this has to be a Hell, right? A grizzled old man waving a sign and screaming at the masses entering the arena that Jesus won't accept them unless they forsake their sinful ways, surely, these fools are going to see something really scary and Hellish, right? Damn right bucko, we're off to see Britney Spears tonight.

Britney Spears in concert... how does a man, a swelteringly hot and sexy man such as myself, review such a fantastic experience? I'll review it the only way I know how to, and that's by being truthful and honest and by stating the facts both good and bad, thus helping readers make a better decision (on what?). Yes, that was a snotty joke about a shitty website.

Britney hits the stage, emerging from a flying cubic-thing-object, and the kids in the crowd go wild! Surrounded by dancing Knights Templar (Why, you may ask. Think I don't want to know as well?), she rocks it out hardcore style with a stirring performance of "You Drive Me Crazy". Following that rousing opening would seem an impossible task, but as Britney busts into "Stronger" (a standout track from her fantastical newish hit CD release), you have no choice but to admit that Senorita Spears is the greatest thing you're currently seeing on any stage anywhere at this moment (unless you're ogling one of her dancers). For the 4th song, Britney slows it down with an acoustic performance of "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart" which, almost assuredly, had many a 12 year old crying over the boy that threw frog guts at her in science class and how she was SURE he was "the one". Youth, such a sad time. After this song... Britney walks off stage and they have some weird contest in her place. Make sense? When the average age of the crowd is under 10 and you're dealing with the scary proposition that these little monsters with their tiny attention spans might revolt (or start bouncing a beach ball around), you'd better grab their attention somehow.

After granting some dippy child who sang a Britney song offkey a chance to meet Britney (a meeting which took place on stage and involved a handshake, a polaroid picture, and a wave byebye), Britney launched into the 2nd segment of the show with a sizzling, nearly eerie, passion. Operating from a recreation of a teenager's bedroom (which took up nearly the entire immense stage at this huge concert facility), Britney sang a couple of the hits that made such a hit with the Pokemon demographic (children and pantless nerdy men). For the song "Lucky", Britney fell asleep on her bed which led to the dream sequence of the show. Lights dim, music continues, and then... sailorboys!!!! As the sailorboys dance, Britney emerges in full USO Sailor regalia and entertains the troops. She is so lucky, indeed. As the song ends, Britney awakens to find herself back in her drab little bed with no dancing sailorboys in sight, just 16,000 berserk children whose parents had paid between $30 and $60 for their admission. Britney, sighing sadly at this turn of events, then moves the show along.

Following a few segments that had no function other than to show that Britney wears really odd outfits (including a huge kimono which stretched from one end of the stage to the other, and which Britney FLEW in the air while wearing, the dress reaching the floor and almost acting as a stage curtain as she got to easily 25 feet in the air... a troupe of dancers emerging from underneath her as if Queen Britney had just given birth to a litter of puppies, Britney doing "the frug" while suspended, amazing), the show started to near an end. Ending the regular set with "Baby One More Time" (Britney dressed as... you know, and dancing around schooldesks) and following with an encore of "Oops I Did It Again" (complete with fake cloth flames being blown in the air), Britney gave the little boogers in the crowd all they wanted and more. We got lots of dancin' lots of scary costumes, the sight of Queen Britney waving to people as if she were a trained monkey, and explosions galore. Lord-a-mighty, were there a lot of LOUD explosions, can this be Hell?

In closing... what a show! Wow, was I entertained! It was pure cheese showbiz idiocy and completely and utterly entertaining. Was it as good as the Spice Girls performances 2 years ago? Nope, but what really is? The simple fact is that everyone seemed to leave happy, and I got to pose with a wooden Britney for a free "got milk?" promo polaroid photo (scan of this picture available upon request). Memories to last a semester at least for all present, and the joy I feel while showing people the picture and saying "dat ain't milk on her lip!" is incomparable. Too bad the A*Teens were somehow even better and shirts cost too much, eh?

Back it up, dumpy.