My story to playing small / playing big:
Background info : I bought a castle about 10 years ago on a pension scheme: payment in cash = 20%, payment in rights of use by former owner of 1/3 of propery = 40% and payment of remaining 40% as monthly pensions until death of former owner (une viagère en partie occupée).

Things went badly from the very beginning: I started getting bills on things like gates which I never ordered, or I was not allowed to sleep in the castle when there inspite of a formal oral committment in this sense by the former owner to me and my family. And, and, and.... The person by the way has a horribly bad reputation in this region in France! Unpaid bills, lies, breach of parole all the time.

A side wing of the Castle which was owned by another party was bought by the formar owner behind my back 2 years ago inspite of the fact that everybod knows that a castle can only survive when not subdivided among several owners. When I offered to pay him out for this part including a profit for him he just told me that he will pass it to heirs (he has no natural heirs but can make up new ones thus giving 80% to the tax people).

Now the story - part A: As this is a huge enterprise and could be very costly I am trying to do as much of the work myself: see for instance this  or the following.  Last summer I planned to redo the huge entrance gate in front which was badly corroded and needed to be reworked urgently. This was discussed 2 month ahead and the former owner agreed to pay the materials needed for this work (as he has a duty of up-keep on the gate).

As soon as I pulled my scaffolding out on a Friday morning in order to be able to do this work, the former owner run out and told me: " out of question! You are not going to do this work". My amygdola took over and I yelled at him I am the owner here and I am doing the repair work needed. This even if you ought to do it as you have a duty of maintenance as you have the right of use (usufrutier). As I continued to build up my scaffolding he yelled at me that he will call in the police.

They did come and tried to tell me that I have to stop from doing my work. I convinced them that I am the owner here and that I have to speed up my work as I can do this only when I am on holidays in France (see work plan below). They told me that I have to quit imediately as there was a wedding in the afternoon. I asked them calmly: "when are the persons coming?". The answer was on Saturday at 3h30 pm. So I agreed to my work and interrupt it on Saturday from 3pm to 8pm during their apero in front of the castle, and so I did. The wedding by the way was of the daugther of the police chief of this region!

I spent 160 hours to do this work and the gate is now ready for the guilting with gold sheet which I will do this coming summer - if he lets me build up my scaffolding.

Story - part B: Unfortunately a roof had collapsed last winter and I spent 2 weeks in spring to clean it up. The plan was to rebuild it in fall. I organized to have the beams replaced during my summer stay. I also ordered all materials and thus expected a big truckload delivery of wood and tiles.

Unfortunately due to this real estate deal of the former owner behind my back I now have to trespass a couple of meter accross his property when having deliveries. However, it is a unwritten right that a neighbour can not prevent deliveries of materials for maintainance in rural zones.

Very unfortunately the son of another neighbour has parked his car in the driveway and the truck had to wait out its removal to be able to pass.

When the former owner saw this he quickly rushed out of the castle and re-parked his own car so that the truck could not pass inspite of the fact that the farmer had removed his own.

Again the amygdola took control over me and I yelled "vous otez la vieille merde ou je cherche la pelleteuse" (you remove this old garbage or I will catch the earth mover).

I did not move it blocking the delivery and so I went to catch my earth mover. I used a doubly folded ribbon and hooked the car up on the towing hook. It was easy to pull the car using a combination of blade action and hydraulics on the shovel arm. Of course the damaged the lawn somewhat as I had to pull the card off the driveway. Fortunately he only engaged the brakes and no gear (in Europe we have few automatic gears).

Again I had the pleaseure to have a long chat with the police. Thy finally asked me how many weeks are you spending in Epanvilliers each year: My answer about 8 weeks. They replied: "in this case you can have a delivery every day - he has to tollerate this. In any case it is also in his interest that you keep this place in good shape".

This coming summer I will have many deliveries as I will do a huge roof I am taking emotional intelligence very seriosly in order to contribute to the saveguarding of thie beautiful house of Chatea d’Epanvilliers in the southern Loire department of the Vienne in France! S O S S
 

date	Object	detail	hours
Montag, 10. Juli 2006	Cut grass, unload transporter	Mowing with tractor and unload T4	14
Dienstag, 11. Juli 2006	Build in garage doors	Earth mover dig didge for doors	14
Mittwoch, 12. Juli 2006	Build in garage doors	dig didge / unload doorsn	14
Donnerstag, 13. Juli 2006	Build in garage doors	Build in doors w polyurethan and lime	14
Freitag, 14. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Build up scaffolding / Tooling preparation	6
Samstag, 15. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	mechanical rust removal	14
Sonntag, 16. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	mechanical rust removal	14
Montag, 17. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	mechanical rust removal	14
Dienstag, 18. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	mechanical rust removal	14
Mittwoch, 19. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	mechanical rust removal	14
Donnerstag, 20. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Preparation for painting and chemical rust removal as needed	14
Freitag, 21. Juli 2006	Visit cousins
Samstag, 22. Juli 2006	Visit cousins
Sonntag, 23. Juli 2006	Visit cousins
Montag, 24. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Pinnting and materials purchases for roofs and pillars	14
Dienstag, 25. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Painting	14
Mittwoch, 26. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Painting	14
Donnerstag, 27. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Painting	14
Freitag, 28. Juli 2006	Main gate restoration	Painting	14
Samstag, 29. Juli 2006	Pillars for small gate	Earth mover dig didge for base of pillars	14
Sonntag, 30. Juli 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Build up concrete base for pillars	14
Montag, 31. Juli 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Moving of pillars stone blocks	14
Dienstag, 1. August 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Buildup of pillars	14
Mittwoch, 2. August 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Buildup of pillars  / Replace beams of colapsed roof	14
Donnerstag, 3. August 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Buildup of pillars  / Uload materials for roof rebuilding	14
Freitag, 4. August 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Buildup of pillars	14
Samstag, 5. August 2006	Pillars for minor gate	Buildup of pillars	6

E-mail answer from EI coach:

Wow - amazing property!  And an interesting situation with considerable challenges.  I have some specific questions for you to answer in the service of developing your Emotional Intelligence.  Here they are:

1.  What emotions do you need to manage in dealing with this challenge? 

2.  What are some of the triggers you are aware of here? 

3.  How have you been doing with using your SOSS strategy so far with this situation?

4.  In YOUR opinion, where are you playing Big?

5.  And where are you playing small?

Notice that ALL of these questions are focused on you.

Next, questions about the other person involved.

6.  What emotions do you think are driving the behavior of the former owner?

7.  What behaviors of HIS do you think are reasonable?  Why?

8.  What behaviors of HIS are not reasonable?  Why?

9.  What questions could you ask to find out more about his intentions?

10. What would you like him to know about YOUR intentions?

Finally, taking both of you into consideration in terms of having a better working relationship:

11. What is the outcome YOU would like?

12.  What outcome do you think HE would like?

13. What suggestions do you have to make this a "win-win" for both of you?

14.  What is the cost of not having a discussion with him about this?

    I look forward to hearing your thoughts about this Frank.

    Take care,

    John.

My answer by filling in these questions:

Excellent questions!  Thank you so much for your fast reply and your extremely positive attitude!

1.  What emotions do you need to manage in dealing with this challenge? 

Anger - I feel to be treated unfairly as I put soo much of my efforts (90% of my vacations plus up to 1000 hours preparatory work each year:  http://geocities.datacellar.net/bfrordorf/course1/woodwrk.htm the cave you see here is in Riehen, Basel, Switzerland ) and money (over 1 million FFr for rebuilding the big roof , X0'000.- dollars yearly for machinery and materials, plus the pension payments to former owner),

- I also feel to be treated with disrespect:  I have a far better knowlege in the meantime concerning restoration techiques for historic building conservation.  I am also direct descendent of ancient nobility, as a matter a direct descendent of Alienor d'Aquitaine  (the mother of Richard Lionheart and spouse of the first Plantagenet King of Enland).   Alienor was of the family of de Poitou, thus the owner of the Poitou (the region in which heart my castle stands).  The former owner shows a flagrant lack of nobility.

- I also feel cheated as important oral promesses were broken as soon as the sale was done

- I also realized that the former owner had the intention to break the deal thus having me loose the downpayment and the real estate:  I had a committment to cover the burnt down building within a given time.  As I used a construction with undercover and final tiles the roof was covered 1 year ahed of the deadline, but without the tiles (on a factory you would not put the tiles, as the tiles are only for decoration).  As the tiles give the final look they had to be posed under control of the historical monument administration.  As administrations are slow the roof was covered with the tiles about 3 month after the deadline (2years plus 3 Month).  As a result of this I got a registered letter by a notary (mise en demeure) explaining me that the sale was broken because of this.  I had to pay a lawyer over FFr X '000.- to contest this with success.

- also I have to do my most human necessities in the nature and have to whash using a hose as he broke his word and banned me from all access to bath-rooms.

 - as I can not sleep calmly when I am there as he parked all of his 5 dogs just behind the only room I can use to sleep.  And as he feeds them chemicals to make them bark the whole night long (the dogs awake only after about 4 days when I start my surprise vacations).

- what really degraded all comprehension and friendship was this deal behind my back:  A side wing of the Castle which was owned by another party was bought by the formar owner behind my back 2 years ago inspite of the fact that everybod knows that a castle can only survive when not subdivided among several owners. When I offered to pay him out for this part including a profit for him he just told me that he will pass it to heirs (he has no natural heirs but can make up new ones thus giving 80% to the tax people).

frustration - I try to get going and fully use my few hhours I have to do this huge job.  I want to be helped not hindered!

fear - This guy is crazy and he might one day buurn down the whole thing just in order to hurt me.  He also ripped out old materials which he sold to dealers a thing which is 100% in contradiction with heritage conservation.  He also had the crest of one of the former owner families ciseled into the stone over the main entrance.  This without telling me about his intentions.  This half a year after I had bought and payd the place.

2.  What are some of the triggers you are aware of here? 

vision- Just seeing the guy already triggers me as I have been treated like shit for 10 years (see above)

greeting - When I kindly greet I get no response jusst turning away the head

prpositions to do things differently - but never a word of thank or appreciationn

blocking my work - in a way which does not leave any room foor discussion or debate (c'est hors question que vous faites cela = it's out of question that you ....)

3.  How have you been doing with using your SOSS strategy so far with this situation?

 The barking dogs at night realy undermine my SOSS!

Often I only calm down when I have started my work and then I realize that my amygdola prevented me from doing better (manual work is excellent to calm down and I am truly in harmony with these nice old materials .       The building of dry walls is an amazing thing as after some time you feel these stones and find perfect matches without even trying willingly  )

Often the attack comes for me at a complete surprise and I am just not prepared for this or even willing to be bothered by this.

4.  In YOUR opinion, where are you playing Big?

I played big after the gate sequence in stepping up to him after all was finished painting by saying:  "you know all the surfaces painted in yellow are just grounded to receive the gold leaf" This had a big effect for about 4 to 5 days and then harrasments started again

 I played big again and again in trying to get peace into the place.,  For instance in front of the police I tried to shake his hand and say comon lets be friends again - he refused inspite of encouraged by the police.

After I had bought the place I brought him a console Louis XIV worth about X'000$ in (pour le consoler pour la perte de son Chateau - its a game of words in french).

5.  And where are you playing small?

By allowing my amygdola to take over and yell at him that the castle belongs to me and not to him any longer.

********

6.  What emotions do you think are driving the behavior of the former owner?

His castle was all he had.  It was his life and his woman and his profession.  As I understand he was a difficult teacher too and did not make a carrier in education at all.  One day he found this castle in very bad shape.  In a 17 years effort he fixed the place - mostly inside.  Not too much heavy work but some was done by him: reinforcement of some structural elements (a floor had do be fixed by iron beams and concrete).  The roof was in good shape when he bought the place as it was done by former owners.

He tried to buy all parts which have formerly belonged to the castle.  This is an excellent strategy and really the only one to conserve a historical building:  the worst enemy are multiple owners!  In any case he got himself into financial troubles when he bought a big piece which contained the huge side wing building which had burned down.  This building would have dissapeared within 5 years.  He took a loan for this and could no longer pay the morgages. 

This is when I met him and proposed that I could help him with a pension arrangement where he vcould stay in the main building, but where I would be the owner and my kids the heirs.

Through this deal he removed the danger of an expulsion by the bank and sale, but he put himself into a situation where somebody gains at the moment of his disease.

7.  What behaviors of HIS do you think are reasonable?  Why? (see counterpoints under same number)

It is reasonable that he does not let me stay in the castle when I visit there inspite of proposed to me to get the deal done.

It is reasonable that he rents out the side wing which is hes right of use,

It is good that he keeps up the garden and keeps decorating the interior

It is reasonable that he tries to continue assemble real estate belonging to the original property

It is ok when he does restorations without consulting me as long as they are in the interest of the conservation of the castle

8.  What behaviors of HIS are not reasonable?  Why?

It is not reasonable to even let me use a bathroom

but it is not reasonable to stop my work, using this as an excuse

but it is not OK to let the place degrade, by never fixing a hole in the roof or never paint a window or door

but it is not reasonable to do this behind my back and tell me that he will not leave this piece of property to my kids, thus creating a problem for them.

but it is not ok to hammer in a crest in to a stone which was a historical testemony of the french revolution were the erased all crests  and it is not ok to meddle in my affairs when I am trying to restore the place.

9.  What questions could you ask to find out more about his intentions?

Are you willing to declare my kidds as your heirs?

10. What would you like him to know about YOUR intentions?

that we both basicaly want the same:  save the place from ruin and find a solution to conserve it on the long run.  For this I am building a catering / training hall (the big side wing which I had covered).  This in order to generate an income allowing my kids to carry this burden.

Finally, taking both of you into consideration in terms of having a better working relationship:

11. What is the outcome YOU would like?

Empathy to help me do this huge job

The castle to be known as an example of restoration under reusing of used materials.  A possible approach of getting sustainable developpment be re-adopting the best of the methods as used by our ancestors.  They where very economic with energy and materials and we have to re-invent these behaviours (here a little message to Gorgy Bush, who does not want to ratify the Kyoto Protocoll)

I want this catering place up and running - not for the money - but for the joy to have concerts, exhibitions and theatre there.  I also love partying and want to see those glamorous marriages under my roof, the roof of Count Berchtold von Rordorf.

Of course I am waiting to be sole owner and of course hope that the big bang happens before my pensioning.

12.  What outcome do you think HE would like?

To make me so pissed off so that I no longer show up in Epanvilliers.  As a matter of fact he mentioned my pensioning to come.

The conservation of his all and only castle - at least as long as he lives.

He alsways wanted thet non-involved persons think that he is still owner of the place and he is the sole and only person which ever contributed to restore the castle (Mr. Lorzil the emazing saviour of this ruin, who made this wonderful place).  I guess he would also like to have been born a Montalambert, the original builders of the place.  He is a royalist thus just a little behind his time ..... .

14.  What is the cost of not having a discussion with him about this?

There is no cost I am always open to retry it.

With kind greetings

Frank