Sybil in the Fight of her Life

This is a very tough one to write. I'm still reeling a bit. This cancer has hit us so hard, so quickly, that it has made our lives very difficult. I should explain here that Sybil's breast cancer is particularly difficult to overcome. When a young woman like Sybil has such an aggressively spreading cancer, it is a sign that it will be hard to stop. Most of her markers indicated a very tough case. In addition, her particular type of cancer is not usual. She's p53 positive, ER negative, and PR negative. Since many breast cancers are hormone related, much of the research is done on those types of cancers. Sybil's is not. There are far fewer studies with her type.

A few weeks ago, just when we were starting to recover from the first bone mets (Sybil's spine did an amazing job of fusing together by itself) we found out that she had tumor in her sacrum. She started radiation treatments for that. About 10 days later, we learned that she also had cancer in her lungs and her rib. A day or so later, we were stunned to learn that she had a large tumor in her liver as well.

On some days, her pain is quite terrible. Recently, it has been worst in the nerves down her right leg. As I've said before, the drugs don't seem to stop this, they just muddle her mind into distraction. There are other pains as well in her back and ribs. She's been through so much now that only the worst pains get our full attention. We're getting somewhat better at managing this. She can have fairly long periods of relative comfort.

Obviously, things are not looking good for us. We are well aware of the need for a miracle. Still, we are not giving up. I've seen people give up on their lives in the face of serious illness, and seen them go very quickly afterwards. They have a look in their eyes that will tell you that they are on the way out. I'm sure any veteran nurse will confirm this.

Sybil does not have this look in her eyes. She's very realistic about her chances, but she is not resigning. We're investigating clinical trials right now to see what we want to try next. We are continuing with alternative treatments. We are praying very hard.

A woman told Sybil the other day: "You can mourn by crying or you can mourn by singing." Sybil likes to quote this to me when she can see that I'm worrying too much. I fully agree with this but it can be hard to put into practice. Most days I can't stop from obsessing about her illness. I have nightmares that wake me up and keep me from sleeping.

I don't want to mourn, just as I don't want to acknowledge the possible existence of a life without Sybil. So, we are trying our best to live in the present. Yesterday I told Sybil: "If we both walk around miserable then we may as well both be dead." We are in agreement. We will try to sing as much as we can for as long as we can.

What else can anyone do? Our lives are in God's hands.

Matt Donath

9/6/2000