Seems like I'm writing a lot of updates recently, yet I'm still behind in relating news. We have some more challenges to face. Sybil's last brain scan detected twenty-one small tumors. This is too many to cut out, so she has started whole brain radiation. This will continue for the next two weeks. Back when Sybil had the gamma knife surgery, we were happy to have avoided whole brain radiation. It has many nasty side effects, but unfortunately we have no choice now.

Our other immediate panic is that Sybil has been having difficulty breathing the past few days. The tumors in her lungs have suddenly started a labored breathing pattern. She is starting on Zeloda, another chemo drug, to help shrink them down.

Despite these two huge blows we actually had a nice weekend. We reviewed the vows we wrote for our wedding ceremony. Yes, we did use "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health" and we really did mean them. We also went over the tarot card throw I did for our marriage and saw many things revealed there. I also remember one time, while talking with Sybil, I commented that we were going "through hell lately". She properly chastised me for saying this. It isn't true. You can go through anything with someone when you are in love, and no matter how horrible the times may be, or how stressed you get -- no matter how many difficulties you face or how weird time seems to be flowing for you -- it still doesn't seem like hell.

On Sunday, Sybil felt ambitious enough for a short outing. She rarely goes anywhere except to the hospital, so she was keen to take a short visit to Chinatown, despite the difficulties involved in managing this. The small amount of walking involved was taxing, but well within her capability. The main obstacle was climbing a flight of stairs out of the subway on the return trip. Sybil laboriously dragged herself halfway up the stairs and looked spent. I congratulated her on her efforts and prepared to carry her up the rest of the way.

"You're not going to carry me up these stairs," she said stubbornly. She wasn't embarrassed. I've had to carry her up stairs in public before. It was just that she was feeling very determined. With enormous effort, she continued raising a foot to the next stair, grabbing the railing with both hands, and pulling herself up to the next level, swinging the trailing foot up the stair. I noticed that she carefully alternated which foot she put up first, even though it was clear that it was far easier to do it one way rather than the other.

When she made it to the top I started hugging and kissing her. I was carrying two heavy bags and blocking the entrance to the subway, but I was so happy for her that I felt we needed to celebrate. A guy passing by on the street said "how cute," commenting on our public display of affection. "I just walked up the stairs! I just made it up the stairs!" Sybil shouted after him. It was great! We looked like idiots but we were very happy.

Matt Donath

Mdonath@yahoo.com