1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. So you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.E. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A. Baseball.
B. Football.
C. Sex.
D. How much prettier she is than you.
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” Or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:
A. Sure.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?

Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I’ve seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a prettier personality.
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
C. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
D. Define pretty.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. The real answer is, of course, “buy a Porsche and a boat.”

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN (with a hurtful look on her face): You would?
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; She’s left-handed.
WOMAN: --silence--
MAN: Damn!
A Man's Guide to the Five Questions...
I've learned that men need some... practice in properly dealing with women... I found this list somewhere on the Internet, as usual, and figured why not - it may help someone... Riiight...
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