Hope is just a fantasy that torments me in quiet moments of solitude. In a timeless blanket of wanting, I allow myself this grief. For grieving is the only way I will survive this atrocity.
Shhhh, for secrets kept hidden in my mind, the long since abandoned trust and confidence of friends & lovers, grows wrinkled and ages faster than time. For betrayals once whispered on the journey to becoming forgotten express a myriad of stories only dead spirits will revive to whisper intuitions bewitching repulsive image to your minds eye, becoming a negative transition catalyst in doubtful moments. You could look into the windows of my soul, but you will never see what I see -- in this dark moment -- my inner-child once strong and content, blissful and excited, has endured the gestation of agony with waves of pain and floods of anguish. If you looked into the windows of my soul and saw the mass of negative energy, I flinch in reaction and an abrupt and jerky pull back obviously painful wince, it too aches in old agony as it withers and fades into the reality that was.
Where did this rise of blackness befall my soul? When will the existence of this heavy darkness end? The bitterness of denial fills my mouth, and I desire the water of life to purify my scarred body. I have risen to meet days of battle, standing tall and fighting fiercely, holding what I thought was my honor and my head held high in portrayal of the nobility I thought I exampled in living. I have suffered each wound for the integrity of knowing I was fair. Now this human body may fall short of the goal to the end.
What is our fate? There is no one who can rescue me from this darkness, but myself. There is no heat, it is not hell, there is no light, for it is not heaven, there is only blue & grey ... and I breath what I cannot see, I sing though I cannot hear, and someday soon, all at once, it will be over and I will suffer no more.
There is a grain of doubt,
Like the harsh ice of winter,
It flows like water in warm moments &
Cuts deep like a sharp knfe in cold bitterness.
God save my soul, for I have neither the strength
Nor the courage to face one more dawn alone.
How is it that I can be so stiffled and perplexed. I sit here grieving as if I had loss just now -- almost in shock, unable to concentrate, overcome with extreme emotion -- powerless to take the reigns of control and recover myself from this twisted existence.
All that has come before me, history, precedence, the heritage unto that which I was borne into, like a wrath that burns hotter than haydes, I suffer quietly in my own hell of discontent. Disappointed by friends & acquaintences, abandoned for other shores, alone in a sea of restless ambivalence and yet I do not seek company -- for all who have been trusted, for every step I took in faith, betrayed me. The one soul whom I treasured, the one person who did not use my friendship as a stepping stone on a path somewhere else, has died and I may never see his precious face again . . . for I am not destined for lofts of fluffy clouded heavens, I am suredly doomed to walk the earth in solitude. Confident of my ability to shut everyone out and disguise myself as a loathesome wretch. Hence, hide my desire to hope -- so as to find only a pure soul with a worthy heart -- should one amongst the billions still wait for me.
Your power is in loving without letting love overwhelm who you are. Sharing your love cements who you are becoming.
The power of hatred
It starts with words. Hate expressed burns consuming energy in its path like a forrest fire in the heat of summer.
Hate began before I was born. Hate touched me the day I was born though my parents never saw, heard, smelled or sensed it present but spent their lifetimes trying to protect me from it. Hate will continue long after the death of my body frees my spirit to continue without bodily ashes.
Hate forms wounds that scar the soul. Hate deforms more than all diseases combined and yet these poor souls never realize they carry the infection of hatred while they spread it. Hate disrespects the rules of time, space, and of being. Hate captures bitterness and magnifies it beyond our recognition. Hate gives its negative energy dispelling its victims to their loathesome downward spirals and invites pity and self-dispair, wrecklessness and violation into its host like a tapeworm growing and consuming all the good things meant for you, it robs you blind of every morsel you eat to fuel your body and it kills part of you with starvation from lack of substance.
Hate starts with many different forms of disrespect, but always ends with making you feel worse about yourself. Did you gossip? Did you tell someone they were a playa, a dawg, a hater, or call them a name you wouldn't say in front of your mother? your grandmother? your priest? Did you watch someone tear someone else down? Did you pat them on the back for it? Did you say something in anger?
Hate builds pyramids of regrets in the ying yang of changing winds. It changes how you feel about yourself, and how others around you feel towards you. It forms structures that weigh down your soul and add to your own burdens. Was it the stupid nigger, that damned bastard, the disrespectful mutha, the injun brotha, this s.o.b. chink/jap/pinoy/zipperhead, that son-of-a-bitch who cut you off, the moron who ran that red, that fucktard who almost hit you, the guy next door, the nerd that screwed up your project, the geek that broke your new toy, the bitch across the street, the slut that teased you, the ho that was in your face, the asshole who gave you that ticket, or the jackass that took credit for your project at work?
The degradation of the nation through those tiny words of hate that kill millions more than just those who live in glass twin towers and drive home hatred to all who share the same ethnicity as that wretched terrorist? He was already down because he was the nation behind the counter of 7-11, the taxi you took to the airport, the immigrant who didn't have the clout of being born unto a country who already hated all the immigrants their forefathers wanted to become their extended family.
I know, I laughed when George Carlin, Jamie Foxx, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and the Petite Wallflower said so. Laughter eased my pain, laughter eased my nervousness, laughter made hating okay. Laughter made someone else the butt of that joke. Laughter proved there was hate. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you'll cry alone.
If I ever caused you to hate me, if I ever made you laugh, if you ever felt the power of hatred pointed your direction -- today I felt your pain. Today I felt the end to my tolerance.
Passionate Living:
~ Love for Life ~
Oriah's Philosophy
~Mountain Dreamer~
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, Yes!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.
{Author: Oriah, Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder}
Random Faith
Because you refuse to give up when times are tough or follow the easier path . . .
Because you stand up for what you believe in and aren't afraid of what other people think . . .
Because you're brave even when you're unsure of what will happen next, and you somehow manage to laugh at yourself and learn from your mistakes . . .
Because of all this and more, and even when you feel like you're struggling, you are an inspiration and I know in my heart you can do anything you want to!
The Chosen
|
One day her world went dark all around her. Someone gave up and decided she was no longer worthy of their life. They chose to risk her existance for their own convenience. But they underestimated her desire to love.
She survived the huge fall, she survived living without shelter, she survived in learning to hunt and to drink muddy water. She made due as if she was wild, but she still chose to live. She watched, she approached me with hope, she was afraid to trust again, but she decided what did she have to lose besides the small amount of her dignity which remained. She came into our lives, she gave of her affection, she believed we were worthy of being "Chosen".
Her name means sweet, dedicated, generous. Her desire to be loved is great. Her desire to love is greater. And, her affections are no longer denied. She believed she was worthy of being chosen, and she wisely chose to live with us.
Miss Amai is a siamese/calico kitten who was once lost, now she feels she has been chosen. Which of us doesn't sometimes feel as though we will not survive the rejection of someone whom we love, faith is what heals us. Even a kitten knows the law of the jungle is overcome by the ability to love. Welcome to our family Miss Amai.
Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, ... and dance like nobodys watching.
Faith in friendship *hugs* ~~ Nymphette
Faith, hope, charity & love . . . the greatest of these is Love.
|
|
. . . Thank you for viewing my thoughts . . .
|
|
> Desiree D Darling (Nymphette/WetNymph)
My Candid Pics Construction Zone Page
Creative Works
Written Verses, Artistic Renditions, Creative Releases, Images & Other FUN Stuff!
WetNymphs Favorite Hobbies: Fishing & other hobby links
These are some links to most of the fishing information and resources I research before indulging into the rivers & waterways pole in hand.
Travel Tips & links
Washington State Tourism {links}
This is a great link to some destinations for scenic changes. Washington has desert (eastern Washington), Rain forrests (Olympic Peninsula & Cascade Range), Ocean Beaches & Fresh Water Beaches, Canadian access to the north, skiing, major fishing, hunting & recreational parks & access -- see for yourself!
The Edge of Oregon {links}
Here is a convenient link to destinations for our neighbor to the south, Oregon. Oregon has lots of fun places to explore!
One of the better Washington Recreational webpages
Use this link to find things to do, places to go, have fun!
|
Email me your favorite resort or destination, I might post it! *grins*
| | |
This is Layne's page of creative words and stuff!
Everyone has moments of darkness and of light. There are times when you can get lost in pondering and times when things feel "just right". I have prayers and other words that come to me in the strangest moments, but seem profound. Here is where I put them down. I am humanoid, I can be vulnerable, I am usually positive, but even so have moments of dark dispair. I hope you find some worthwhile thought or phrase to have lyrical or significant value. God Bless!
Please feel free to explore my site and email me if you'd like to share information with me.
