Filipino and Tagalog Jokes

• you unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (especially those bows) next year.
• you only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off.
• you buy 100 rolls of toilet paper (on sale) and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
• your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
• your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
• you use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
• you have never used your dishwasher.
• you eat all meals in the kitchen.
• you save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
• you use brocery bags to hold garbage.
• you always leave your shoes at the door.
• you have a piano in your living room.
• you play a musical instrument.
• you pick your teeth at the dinner table but you cover your mouth.
• you twirl your pen around your fingers.
• you hate to waste food....
• you'll finish the leftover food on the table, to be thrown away, even if you're already full.
• you have Tupperware in your fridge with 3 bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
• you don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
• you have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
• the condiments in your fridge are either Price Vlub sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's
• Ditto for paper napkins
• you never order room service.
• you own a rice cooker.
• you fight over who pays the dinner bill.
• your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
• you majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
• you to a dance party and see a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
• you live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and hey prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.
• your parents' house is always cold.
• you reuse teabags.
• your mom drives her Mercedez to Price Club.
• you always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents.
• you only make long distance calls after 11 pm
• you have acquired a taste for bittermelon (ampalaya)
• you prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh.
• you always cook too much.
• you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
• you e-mail your friends at work, even though you are only 10 feet apart.
• your parents send money to their relatives in the Philippines.
• you're always late.
• you eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
• you know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
• you never discuss your love life with your parents.
• your parents are never happy with your grades.
• you save your old Coke bottle glasses even if you're never going to use them again.
• you keep used batteries.
• your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
• your relatives either work in medicine or real estate.
• you take this message and forward it to all your Filipino friends.

Padre Damaso

Padre Damaso was celebrating a mass one Sunday and he said that he cn't tolerate anymore the sins and immoral acts of the community. So he sets it upon himself to bring judgment to the congragation. During his sermon he produced a small ball from his pocket and announced, "Ang sino mang tamaan ng bola na jackstone na ito ay makasalanan!"
He then throws the ball high up in the air but it didn't hit anyone, instead the ball bounces back to him and hits Padre Damaso right between the eyes. Gaining his composure, he quickly announces to everyone, "Testing lang po ito."

• you're related to everyone.
• your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy"
• you have uncles and aunts names Boy, Girlie, or Baby.
• you have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables, such as Jun-Jun, Ling-Ling, Mon-Mon.
• you call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito and "Tita."
• All of your children have 4 or 5 names.
• you greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
• you always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave a room.
• your grandmother greets you by giving you "smelling kisses."
• you live with your parents until - and at times even after you're married.
• you can't build or buy a house unless you first consult a feng shui expert.
• your house has a distinctive smell.
• you decorate your living room wall with your family's framed diplomas and certificates.
• you decorate your dining room wall with a giant wooden spoon and fork and a picture of the Last Supper.
• you keep your furniture wrapped in plastic.
• most of your home decor is made out of wicker.
• your house has a "dirty" kitchen and a "clean" kitchen.
• your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.
• you recycle plastic shopping bags as garbage bags.
• you own "Footsteps in the Sand" poster.
• you have a piano that no one plays.
• you keep a tabo in your bathroom.
• you own a "barrel man."
• you use a stone to scrub yourself in the shower.
• you use Vicks Vapor Rub as an insect repellant.
• your meal isn't complete without rice.
• you use your fingers to measure the water you need to cook rice.
• you can't eat a meal without a spoon and fork.
• you feel insulted if your visitors don't eat what you offer them.
• you always cook 3 times more than what your visitors can consume, when there's a party.
• your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
• you can't enjoy a meal without patis or bagoong.
• you eat fried Spam and hotdogs with rice.
• you eat mangoes with rice - with great gusto.
• you enjoy chocolate rice pudding and dried salted fish for breakfast.
• you have a rosary or "fake bananas" hanging from your rear view mirror.
• you tail an ambulance or cop just to beat the traffic.
• your car horn can either laugh, bark, or moo.
• your car plays a song when it backs up.
• you can squeeze 15 passengers into your Honda Civic without a second thought.
• you think traffic regulations are recommendations, not rules.
• you think that traffic signs apply to everybody except yourself.
• you point with your lips.
• you eat using your hands and have it down to technique.
• your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
• you collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir's sake."
• you go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
• you use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
• you scratch your head when you don't know the answer.
• you play pusoy and mahjong.
• you put your hand in front of you as if to make a path and say "Excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of them.
• you buy tons of bath towels when they go on sale.
• you still wear outdated clothes you have when you first came to the USA.
• you say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom"
• you say "for take out" instead of "to go."
• you "open" or "close" the lights.
• you ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
• you say Kodakan instead of "take a picture."
• you turn around when someone says "pssst."
• you say "Cutex" instead of "nail polish."
• you say "he" when you mean "she" and vice versa.
• you say "air-con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
• you pronounce "F" for "P" or "P" for "F".
• you own a karaoke system.
• you have 5 pairs of tsinelas on your doorstep.
• you refer to your VCR as the "Beytamax"
• you have a rice dispenser with a matching rice cooker.
• you own a Mercedez and call it "chedeng"
• you have "My Shaldan" air freshener in your car.
• you were raised to believe that every Filipino has an aunt, uncle, and cousins.
• your mom or sister is a nurse.
• you consider dilis the Filipino equivalent of french fries.
• you dip bread in your morning coffee.
• "Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
• your baon is usually something over rice.
• you eat rice for breakfast.
• you wash and re-use plastic utensils and styrofoam cups.
• you have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
• you have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
• you have to have a bottle of Jufran handy.
• you know that chocolate meat isn't really made out of chocolate.
• you spend Holy Week either performing acts of penitence or vacationing.
• you get together with family at a cemetery on All Saints' Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves.
• you think the Christmas season begins in September and ends in January.

Schooling

(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING? (Who's Calling)

Affect

Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring. (A Fake)

Adieu

If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you. (A Jew)

Decanter

You can order that medicine over DECANTER. (The Counter)

Deletion

The balat of DELETION is crispy. (The Lechon)

Despise

Who baked all DESPISE? (These Pies)

Different and Differential

I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic. (The Parent and The Parental)

Chicken Not Bread

If I put a bag over my wife's head then Chee kennot bread!" (She Cannot Breathe)

Persuading

The newly married couple will celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary next year. (First Wedding)

Deposit

When washing my hands, I always turn on DEPOSIT. (The Faucet)

Deficit

Before going into the pool, I always check how DEFICIT. (Deep Is It)

Protestant

I always get my apples and saging at the PROTESTANT. (Fruit Stand)

Devastation

I wait for the bus at devastation. (The Bus Station)

Analyze and Anatomy

My ANALYZE over the ocean, so bring back my ANATOMY. (Ana Lies and Ana To Me)

Masturbation

Many 3rd world countries are suffering from MASTURBATION. (Mass Starvation)

Tenacious

Before playing tennis I have to put on my TENACIOUS. (Tennis Shoes)

Deduct, Defense, Defeat andDetail

DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE. DEFEAT first, DETAIL last. (The duck, the fence, the feet and the tail)

Associate

I looked in the toilet and ASSOCIATE. (I saw shit)

Dinuguan

I tried turning on the TV, but it DINUGUAN. (Did Not Go On)

Penis

Before you play outside, PENIS your homework. (Finish)

Uno, Dos, Tres

UNO! DOS TRES are on fire!(Oh no! Those trees)

Cadet

CADET ko si Maria noong isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya. (Ka-date)

Mention

Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION. (Mansion)

Borrow

Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo. (Baro)

Caesarean

Lintek,anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo. (Sisirain)

Contemplate

Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero CONTEMPLATE. (Konti ang plate)

Artesia (A city in California)

Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda ng bebot na 'yon, per, ma-ARTESIA. (arte siya)

Cardiac

Na-CARDIAC 'yong kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi. (Carjack)

Centurion

Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya. (Sinturon)

Dedicate

'pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan. (Didikit)

Delicacy

Bagal mo...DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo. (Dali Kasi)

Depreciate

Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya puede na tayong kumain. (The priest ate)

Diffusion

Brownout....siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok. (The fuse 'yon)

Laity

Tag-LAITY si Imelda Marcos. (Leyte)

Is this your car?

OTOMOTO

Is this my car?

OTOKOTO

Is this your noodles?

MIKIMOTO

Your sister has no more toes.

AJI NO MO TO

Virgin

SARAKIKI

Not a Virgin

WASAKIKI

Coffee Makers

In an international convention of coffee-producing nations, the Philippines proved it really has given something to the coffee world. The Columbia delegate said: "We have the best coffee beans." Remarked the Japanese representative: "Japan refined coffee production to make people enjoy coffee more." The American delegate: "America has the best and the most number of brands of regular and instant coffee, supported by the most modern means of production." Then the Filipino delegate stood up to proudly declare: "The Philippines invented the 2-hour coffee break!!!" "Proud to be a Filipino."

Ang Asawa

"Ang asawa" sa unang taon masaya. Pagkalipas ng limang taon, tanggalin ang A, "sawa na." Sampung taon, tanggalin mo ang S "awa" na lang. Sa susunod na taon, tanggalin mo ang A "wa na!"

Lord, Please Give Me

A girl at 20 prays: "Lord, please give me the best man."

At 25 prays: "Lord, please give me the best, man."

At 30: "Please give me any man."

At 40: "Lord, please naman!"

First Time

An old woman overheard this conversation of her newlywed neighbors......The girl asked, "Paano ba? Guy answered, "Sipsipin mo." Girl: "Ganito?" Guy: "Oo....ganyan... Girl: "Ang alat naman..." Guy: "Ganyan talaga...tapos higupin mo!" Girl: "Ayoko, Kadiri!" Guy: "Arte mo naman, huwag mong tingnan." Girl: "May buhok na sa dila ko!" Guy: Siyempre, sisiw 'yan. (First time....kumain ng balot.)

Recipe for Filipino Ispagiti

(For more eppect, read out loud)

Ip you like to mik pilipino ispagiti, you just dipros dee grounbip, a. Andin you pollow dee diriksyon in dee kwan. Dee kwan, you know wat I'm reperring too. Dee diriksyon on dee ispagiti plastik and deesauce mix. Instid ob eating wid dee pork, you eat wid your han. Ay, dat is how we eat in da pilipeens. ip der is lipober, you put it in di prigideer. Andin tomooro, you eat it por brikpas. Ip der is still somor, you jusbaon it por work. you can also eat di ispabiti wid rice. Dat is Filifino ispagiti. Andin ip der is still somor, ay do not tro dat away. You ju gib it to deedogs or cats awtsayd, a. Dat is becos ispagiti is por long lipe. I don't like to see it weested. So, mga kababayans, you itry dis ricipi.

U.H.A.W. - Union of Husbands Afraid of Wives

The foreign chapters of the fraternity of husbands composed of YUKUZA (Yuko sa Asawa), SANSUI ('Sang Sutsot, Uwi) at UTIN (Unyon ng mga Tatay na Inaapi ng mga mga Nanay)...

When you say "Ako ang tigas sa amin."

You really mean "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin, tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."

When you say "Gagawin ko kahit ayaw ng misis ko."

You really mean "Gagawin kong maghugas ng pinggan kung ayaw niya, gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya."

When you say "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"

You really mean "Hiniwalay ko na ang puti sa de-kolor at baka kumupas ang labada."

When you say "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw."

You really mean "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at giniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!"

When you say "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"

You really mean "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."

When you say "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"

You really mean "Hone, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"

When you say "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"

You really mean "Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong sapatos na bibilhin ko!"

When you say "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin."

You really mean "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko pagkatapos mong basahin."

When you say "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"

You really mean "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag, lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kung hindi tatamaan ka sa akin!"

When you say "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!"

You really mean "Hindi puede kasi hindi pa akon tapos mamalantsa."

Filipino Names converted to American Names

Dimitria Dagdag = Demi Moore

Rogelio Dagdag = Roger Moore

Emilio Salamat = Amillion Thanks

Leon Mangubat = Tiger Woods

Francisco Portero = Frank Porter

Bienvenido Jurado = Ben Hur

Juan Tampipi = John Samsonite

Victoria Malihim = Victoria Secret

Restituto Fruto = Tutti Frutti

Casimiro Bocaycay = Cashmere Bouquet

Veneracio de Asis = Venereal Disease

Alfonso de Asis = Alzheimer's Disease

Topacio Mamaril = Top Gun

Eliutario Ignacio = Electronic Ignition

Juanito Lakarin = Johnny Walker

Esteban Pagtakahan = Stevie Wonder

Burgos Reyes = Burger King

Ligaya Almundo = Joy Totheworld

Maria Navidad = Mary Christmas

Ligaya Anonuevo = Happy New Year

Federico Hagibis = Federal Express

The Filipino Bears

3 bears were driving on the road. They accidentally drove off a cliff and into the water.

Which bear did not get wet? The dribear (dry bear = driver)

Which bear saw the accident? The neighbear (neigbor)

Which bear came out of the car safely? The surbibear (survivor)

Which bear fixed the car? MacGuyBear (McGyver)

People Talk

Anak: Inay, sino ba talaga ang tatay ko?

Nanay: Ewan ko anak, pasensiya ka na, nang ginawa kita eh nakatalikod ako eh.

Man: Doc, help me unimon ako ng Baygon.

Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?

Man: Hindi. Nakalunok ako ng buhay na ipis.

Doc: Tange! Dapat kumain ka ng lang ng tsinelas.

Pedro: Pare may tsismis na may bading dito sa dorm natin.

Juan: Huh! Sino?

Pedro: Sasabihin ko sa iyo pero kiss muna.

May isang langgam na dumapo sa tenga ng elepante. May ibinulong ito. Hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng langgam? Buntis ako! Ikaw ang ama.

69 - Good Position

96 - Magkaaway

66 - Bading

6.9 - Kadiri (kasi may period)

Tuwing naririnig kitang kumanta, parang busto kong itape.........Itape ang bibig mo!!!

Tanong: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng dalaga?

Sagot: I wish, I wish, I wish

Tanong: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng misis?

Sagot: Always, always, always

Tanong: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng biyuda?

Sagot: I miss, I miss, I miss

Tanong: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng matandang dalaga.

Sagot: Bwisit, bwisit, bwisit.
\

Tanong: Ano ang mabilis pumuti, buhok sa itaas o buhok sa ibaba?

Sagot: Buhok sa itaas - kasi ang buhok sa itaas puro problema, ang buhok sa ibaba puro ligaya.

2 wives are buying gulay in the local market.

Wife 1: Mare, whenever I see a potato, naaalala ko ang itlog ng Mr. ko.

Wife 2: Bakit? Ganyang kalaki?

Wife 1: Hindi! Ganyang kadumi!

Rizal: Maria Clara, ikaw ang pinakamaganda at pinakamahinhing babaeng nakilala ko.

Maria Clara: Huhh!!! Bolero...Utot mo!

Anak: Itay sabi nila pag nakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag naka-side view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Ano ho'ng ibig sabihin no'n?

Tatay: Mukha kang pera

Anak: Bakit bawal sa mga kalbo ang mag-turtle neck?

Tatay: Dahil magmumukha silang roll-on.

Lalake: Ipapasok ko na ha?

Babae: Dahan-dahan lang ha!

Lalake: Ako ang bahala!

Babae: aahh.. ang sarap

Lalake: Ididiin ko pa!

Babae: OO sige..ikot-ikutin mo rin.....aaaahhhh

Lalake: Ayan malinis na! Kabilang tenga naman.

Tatay: May pasalubong akong 10 feet snake sa 'yo galing sa Australia.

Anak: Si Tatay naman niloloko ako eh. Wala namang hong feet ang snake eh.

What is the ugliest cow in the world?

IKAW!

Did you know that Filipinos named Staten Island?

They were passing by on a boat and one said, "Is staten island?" (Is that an island)

What did one filipino monument say to the other filipino monument?

Is statue? (Is that you)

What is the deadliest gang in the Philippines?

The "sini" gang.

Babalik Ka Rin

Dumating si Dan sa Amerika sa tulong ng kanyang kumpare na may kontak sa immigration sa Pilipinas. Medyo tagilid ang papeles niya kaya masyado siyang maingat (TNT baga). Ayaw man lang lumabas ng bahay si Dan kung hindi kasama ang kanyang kumpare. E minsan, nagsawa na ang kanuang kumpare sa kaaalalay sa kanya. "Pareng Dan," sabi ng kumpareng tinatago ang inis, "Heto ang susi ng kotse at mga credit cards ko. Magshopping ka naman sa mall para malibang ka. Kung may problema ka, tawagan mo ako sa telepono. Papasok na ako sa opisina." Dahil siguro sa hiya ni Dan, kahit nerbioys na nerbiyos siya, sinubukan niyang lumabas. Tuwang-tuwa si Dan sa pamamasyal sa mall. Nakapili siya ng mga damit na gusto niya. Ngunit pagdating sa cashier, biglang nataranta at natakot si Dan. Tanong ng cashier, "Visa or Master Card?" Haripas si Dan palabas dahil sa takot! "Aba, hinahanap ang visa ko! Baka nabisto na ako! Syet!" Sakay kaagad siya sa kanyang kotse. Harurot. Kaso, halos wala ng gas ang sasakyan kaya huminto siya sa isang gas station. Nang maglalagay na siya ng gas, biglang nagsalita ang cashier sa speaker, "Sir, pay first, please." "Naku, patay! Papers daw! Hinahanap ang papers ko!" Nagtatakbo si Dan sa mga eski-eskinita hanggang makakita siya ng pay phone. Patago-tago siyang lumapit sa pay phone. "(Hingal) Kailangang matawagan...ko si kumpare...para masundo niya ako rito (hingal)." Pagtaas niya ng handle ng telepono, narinig niya, "AT&T how can I help you?" "Aba, anak ng putakteh, alam na TNT ako! Buking na ako!" Pagbaba niya ng telepono, may Amerikanong nagkatayo sa likod niya, tanong ba naman, "Are you done?" Napahandusay si Dan sa phone booth. Biglang bulalas, "Buray ka ng ina! Alam pa ang pangalan ko!" Nagulat ang tisoy, "Hey, be cool, man!" "Naku! Alam pa kung taga saan ako! - Taga Bicol daw ako!" "Is that your green car parked in the red zone?" Hihimatayin na si Danny Boy! "Hinahanapan pa ako ng green card...Naku patay na!!!" Kaya sa matinding takot, nagpahuli na lang si Dan. Ngayon si Dan ay nasa Bicol na muli at binansagan na "Dan Balikbayan."

What's In A Name....

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant, and she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my idiot brother!" She asks him, "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise." he replies. "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!" What's the boy's name?" "Denephew!"

LAST FOG SEA IN DIE

A poem designed for your non-Pinoy friends; it's great for gatherings where you get them to read the poem aloud. (Suggestion: Kung hindi maintindihan, please read aloud)

Thing none knew see in die

Who bought, who bad

The hill key none taught see in die

Last fog see in die

Fog must done knew see who one

Thin knee tea gas sun

Cash sea see in die

Who bought, who bad

Bull ball money peace.

In knee love bus knee who one

Dean act money in die

Key knee league see who one

The hill be not tea knee in die

Knee love as son see who one

Be thin see in die!

Filipino Accounting Terms

Asset = Ari

Fixed Asset = Aring Nakatirik

Liquid Asset = Aring Tumutulo

Written-Off Asset = Aring Pinutol

Cut-off Time = Oras ng Pagputol

Depreciation = Pagkalaspag ng Ari

Fully Depreciated Asset = Aring Laspag na Laspag

Earning Asset = Aring Ganado Pa

Non-Earning Asset = Aring Baldado Na

Owned Asset = Sariling Ari

Other Asset = Ari ng Iba

Miscellaneous Asset = Mga Aring Pinagsama-sama

Erroneous Entry = Mali ang Pagkapasok

Double Entry = Dalawa ang Pinasukan

Multiple Entry = Labas Pasok

Correcting Entry = Intinama ang Pagpasok

Reversing Entry = Baligtad ang Pasok

Tangible Asset = Aring Nasasalat

Dispensed = Nilabasan

Undispensed = Hindi Nilabasan

Frozen Asset = Pinatigas na Ari

Basahin Sa Titik Na Tagalog

B K W L K M G W

P R M S Y

T W N H H H L L L

T M N

P R K Ng T Ng

Text Messaging

Naglalakad nagtetext nasagasaan - PATAY!
Kumakain nagtetext nabilaukan - PATAY!
Nagdadrive nagtetext nabangga - PATAY!
May celfon walang nagtetext - NAGPAKAMATAY!

Prince Charles

Ano rin daw ang difference ni Prince Charles At Kulangot!
Si Prince Charles ay "heir to the throne" while ang Kulangot ay "Thrown to the Air".

Kalendaryo

Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo? - Kasi bilang na ang araw niya.

Eh bakit masuwerte naman ang kalendaryo? - Dahil marami siyang date.

Soft, Soup, Soap

Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin......sa kanila ang malambot "SUP", ang sabaw "SUP", ang sabon "SUP" pa rin.

Anniversary Gift

Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo sa Misis mo?

Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko siya sa Africa!

Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh next year ano naman ang gift mo?

Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!!!

What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine?

Ans: It wooden start!!!

This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....

Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?

Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.

Operator: Name of the party you're calling?

Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?

Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio

Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.

Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?

Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel.

I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as inElpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as indio, i as in io, and o as in o.

Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.

This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:

Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?

Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!

Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?

Pinoy: Hameneggs.

Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.

Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.

Waiter: (with increasing impatience)Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?

Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.

Waiter: And what bread would you like?

Pinoy: Begyurpardon?

Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?

Pinoy: Pan Americano

Waiter: We don't have that.

Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.

Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.

Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?

Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?

Pinoy: Donut plis....

Two married men talking...

1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.

Asawa Kita

Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kitae h.

Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

S

Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!

Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha!Ano ba ang ulam?

Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

Who's Calling?

BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"?

BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo "Hilow, hus cooling place?"

A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn't know the size.

Salesgirl ask : "Is it as big as papaya?"

Man replied : "No"

Salesgirl : "an apple"

Man : "No"

Salesgirl : "ahh..an egg?"

Man : "YES , but fried!"

Buntis

Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF mo?

Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh!

Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya?

Girl 2 : yung misis niya!

Fart

Q: What does an American say when he farts?

A: Excuse me

Q: British?

A: Pardon me

Q: Pinoy?

A: Not me!

Live and Cheese

A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink.

When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can date me for tonight." So the White guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough." The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says, "That's not creative." Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

SIOPAO TEST

How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?

Ans: Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it...rat! If it doesn't...cat! If it runs...dog!

What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines?

Ans: In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US!

Kidnap

Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?

Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!

Pag Bumbay - 5-6!

Pag Kano - credit card!

E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!

Lulubog na ang barko...

PARI: San Pedro, San Jose...

MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...

INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!

Funniest Philippine Joke

TANONG: What is the funniest philippine joke?

Di mo alam?

Funniest philippine joke?

Hint: Look at the initials

Funniest Philippine Joke!

1-2-3 SING!

Loren, loren sinta, syota ni angara! meron na rin iba! ang sabi pa nila, marami silang pera! dinukot sa bulsa, ng pobreng masa!

FPJ for President

FPJ FOR PRESIDENT MOVEMENT SPOKESPERSON: Sabihin nila american citizen si FPJ, eh hirap na ngang mag ingles yung tao!

7 RULES TO BE HAPPY:

1) Never hate

2) Don't worry

3) Live simply

4) Expect little

5) Live in Nature

6) Give a Lot

7) Don't vote FPJ

Citizenship Issue:

PING: half filipino, half Filipina

FPJ: half American, half idiot

ROCO: half Hawaiian, half polo

BRO.EDDIE: half born, half reborn

GIL: half wit

GMA: half

Guwapong FPJ

Susan: Lord, bakit mo ginawang gwapo si Ronnie?

Lord: Para magustuhan mo.

Susan: Eh, ba't mo siya ginawang tanga?

Lord: Para di magustuhan ni ATE GLO, o di ba?

Know your candidates:

Bong Revilla: Anak ng nardong putik

Jinggoy: Anak ng jueteng

Ernie Maceda: Anak ni marcova

Miriam: Anak ni sisa.

Pag si Fpj ang naging Pangulo maraming pagbabago:

Pambansang Isda - sugPOE

Laro - trumPOE

Gulay - uPOE

Fruit - POEmelo

Bird - POEgo

Bayani - laPOE laPOE

change it from 220 volts to 110 volts.

Bunga

Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na.

FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinog na.

Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.

FPJ's DICTIONARY:

Cardiologist - card dealer in casino;

Pathologist - duck raiser;

Radiologist - disc jockey;

Gastrologist - LPG dealer;

Autopsy - car dealer.

Chines-Filipino Names

Chinese born during the night - Andy Lim (Ang dilim)

born blind - Kenneth Sy (Cannot See)

born being swindled - Lino Co (Linoko)

born while cooking - Nilo Toh (Niluto)

born as 10th child - Sam Po (Sampu)

born while being courted - Lily Gaw (Liligaw)

born little - Kathy Ting (Katiting)

born with real estate - Lot Te

born different - Eva Yan (Iba 'yan)

born with porridge - Lino Gaw (Linugaw)

born looking for someone - Alleen Sia (Alin Siya?)

born while counterfeiting - Faye King (Faking)

born during Sunday - Lyn Go (Linggo)

born with malice - Mali Sia (Malisiya)

born angry with someone - Ali Tan (Alitan)

born with picture - Lara Wang (Larawan)

born with sweets - Ken Dee (Candy)

born undefined - Sam Ting (Something)

born while taking a bath - Lily Go (Liligo)

born while buying - Bill Lee (Bili)

born secretly - Tina Go (Tinago)

born with defects - Sheila Yan (Sila 'yan)

Hidden meanings behind Filipino expressions!

1. "Mwah" means... "I love you"

2. "Wala lang" means..... "I miss you"

3. "Ok ka lang?" means... " ano ka hilo?!?!"

4. "Hay nako!" means..... " seryoso ako"

5. "Ingat ka lagi" means... "I care for you"

6. "Musta na?" means... " sino'ng love mo?"

7. "Secret" means..... " ikaw"

8. "Ano'ng problema mo?" means... " hurt naman ako"

9. "Kayo pa rin ba?" means.... "ako naman"

10. "Chick boy ka pala eh!" means..... " ang kapal mo!!!"

11. "Grabe ha!!!" means... " selos ako"

12. "Saan?" means..... " sama ako!"

13. "Shit!" means... " ako na lang kasi eh!!"

14. "Inaantok na ako" means..... "wala kang kwentang kausap"

15. "May gagawin pa ako eh" means..... "maghanap ka ng kausap mo"

16. "Bakit naman?" means..... "alam mo namang ikaw lang"

17. "Nakakaaliw ka" means..... "ang cute mo"

18. "Ewan" means..... " oo "

19. "Ganon?" means... "kapal mo!!"

20. "Eh kasi" means... " nahihiya ako"

21. "Talaga lang ha?" means... "naku, bola!!"

22. "Basta" means... "wag kang makulit"

23. "Busy ka?" means... " kausapin mo naman ako"

24. "Pwede ba" means... " mas cute naman ako sa kanya "

25. "May kasabay ka?" means..... "nood tayo ng sine & kain sa labas"

26. "Miss' nahulog" means..... "anong number mo?"

27. "Magwiwithdraw pa ako" means... "pucha naman, ikaw muna!!"

28. "May barya ka sa 100?" means..... "pautang muna, sa sweldo na kita babayaran"

29. "Kawawa ka naman" means... "Buti nga...sabi ko sayo eh!"

30. "Susunod ako" means... "umalis ka na! Ang kulit mo eh"

31. "Thank you sa gift ha" means..."Ang cheap mo naman"

32. "San kaya pwede makitulog" means... "check-in tayo"

Intsik in heaven, asks St. Peter: "Ano dyan sa kabila?"

St. Peter: "Wala, impyerno. Super init!!"

Intsik: "Lipat ako dun." St. Peter: "Ha? Bakit?!"

Intsik: "Ako benta ice water."

Something Positive

Pari: What's your problem, son?

Man: I'm so depressed, Father. My son is an addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a gambler.

Pari: Tsk! Tsk! Disastrous! Is there anything positive in your life, son?

Man: Meron, Father... my AIDS test.

Sex Call

A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"

He answered: "Depends.. if I can find a phone."

Chinese Adam and Eve

If only Adam and Eve were Chinese they would not have committed the original sin. They would have eaten the snake and sold the apple.

Animals

Ano ang animal na di sigurado? BAKA.

Ano naman and laging napuputol? CAT.

E, ano naman ang palaging ayos? Eh, di OX.

Paano naman ang pangit? Eh di COW!

Hulog ng Langit

Alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit?

DAHIL BAWAL KA DOON...!

Erap on Fatigue

General: Mr. President, I think our troops are over-fatigued.

Erap: Okay. Let them wear khaki naman for a change.

What's the difference between ACCIDENT, CALAMITY and DISASTER?

When your girlfriend gets pregnant - ACCIDENT

When you live with her - CALAMITY

When your wife finds out - DISASTER!

Pure Filipino

Andres Bonifacio...........100% Filipino

Andres Soriano..............50% Filipino, 25% Spanish,25% American

Manoling Maroto............50% Filipino, 50% Filipina

Lucio Tan...................50% Chinese, 50% Tax Evader

Joesph Estrada.............25% Filipino, 75% Alcohol

Lovelines through the years

1950s-Iniirog kita.

1960s-Iniibig kita.

1970s-Minamahal kita.

1980s-I love you.

1990s-Tara sa kwarto.

2000s-Pwede na rito.

Age

AGED MATRONA: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?

D.I. : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang. kung sa kutis 22 lang. bale total ay 56 sweetheart.

SPANISH TRANSLATION

RAPE - puerza a la puerta

RAPE WITH CONSENT - puerza a la puerta con gusto

HONEYMOON - preparazion con todo birada puerta la mama yiha yiha

Punso

B1: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Amy?

B2: Sinipa yung punso!

B1: Bakit lumaki yung nguso ni Fe?

B2: Dinuraan yung punso. O pare saan ka pupunta?

B1: Iihi sa punso!

Fuera

Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.

Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).

Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's 'fuera'?

Student: Fuera ka!

TAN

Noon problema natin dito Pilipinas sina Dante Tan, Manny Tan at si Lucio Tan. Ngayon naman, ang problema ay mga Pakis Tan at Afganis Tan. Kailan ba tatahimik ang mga Tan na iyan? Tan ina naman, oo!

REASON TO LIVE

Doctor: "Six months na lang ang itatagal ng buhay mo, kaya mag-asawa ka ng pangit."

Lalaki: "Bakit doc, gagaling ba ako?"

Doctor: "Hindi, pero at least gugustuhin mo na talagang mamatay."

THOUGHTS

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.

When you are worried, no one sees your pain.

When you are happy, no one sees your smile.

Pero subukan mong umutot, LAHAT LILINGON SA IYO, TITITIGAN KA PA!

HEAVEN OR HELL

A girl, newcomer in HELL, complained to Satan: "Ang dami ngang cute guys dito, kaya lang kapirangot ang kanilang mga ari-arian."

Sagot naman ni Satanas: "Gaga! Kung malaki iyan, eh, di para ka ring nasa HEAVEN!"

CONFIDENCE.....

.....is when you are caught by your wife with another woman in bed and you can readily stand up and say, "DON'T WORRY HONEY, YOU'RE NEXT!"