Jokes Not Suitable for Kids

• 2 Laughing Eyes
• 2 Well Shaped Legs
• 2 Loving Arms
• 2 Firm Milk Containers
• 2 Nuts
• 1 Fur-lined Mixing Bowl
• 1 Firm Banana

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk containers)
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees a bull and a cow having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other's body. The bride discovered her husband's penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope" he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks. "They're my knots," he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No" the bride replies, "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

Vibrator

A little old lady, well into her 80s, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo yyouuuu hhave dddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyouuuu hhhave aaa bbbblack one ttten inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds:"Yes we do." The woman then asks: "Cccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthinggg offfff?"

The Doctor Visit

A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're looking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct." replied the shady doctor. Finally, he climbed on top of her and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Birds and Popsicles

A teacher asks a student the following question: "3 birds are sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" The boy pauses. "None," he replied. "No, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up 3 fingers. "3 birds are sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "How many birds are there left on the wire?" "None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." "It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other 2 away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I do like the way you think." "Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning 3 shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?" "Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?" "No," he says with surprise, "The one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

Glue

It seems that young couple had just gotten married and spent their 1st wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the 8-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. 5 minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

Nicknames

3 women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. 1 woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The 2nd woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The 3rd woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postmand?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Testical Humor

There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his balls ached all the time. As he was always on about his aching balls his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put 1 finger under his left ball and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip on the right side and then snip, snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his balls were not aching. "What did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doc replied...."I cut 2 inches off the top of your cowboy boots!"

Martian Sex

A Human couple and a Martian couple met and had a long conversation until the subject of sex came up. A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The human female and the martian male go off to a bedroom where the martian strips. He's got a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says the human female. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well, it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well, that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow," she says. "No problem," he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, the human male asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it, but it was pretty wonderful, said the human female. "How about you?" she asks. The human male replies, "It was horrible, all I got was a headache....she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Something To Eat?

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon, eggs, or perhaps a slice of toast. A bagel? Grapefruit with cereal and coffee to follow? He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home-made beef and barley soup, maybe a hamburger? He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the chipper and buy him a haddock supper. Maybe a red pudding or steak pie. Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

Be Careful What You Wish For

A vampire was wondering around in the desert and found an oil lamp. He picked it up, rubbed the outside of the lamp and out came a genie. The genie said: "I will grant you 3 wishes.: The vampire said: "My 1st wish is to have a white appearance (fairer skin). My 2nd wish is to such lots and lots of blood. My 3rd wish is to have wings." All his 3 wishes were granted. The genie turned him into an Feminine Maxi Pad with Wings.

"So You Want To Be The King Of The Jungle" The Tarzan Story

One day Jane met Tarzan in the Jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventyally she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan said, "Checking for bees."

Soft and Hard

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Celebrating?

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister." responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Sexual Statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated nest to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Appointment

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minures later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

In a Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to tell about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slice?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

In Coma

A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about 5 minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Gator Mouth

A guy walks into a var with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for 1 minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opend his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the 1st of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise me not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A small white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in, he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small white buy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the white guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big black dude looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch-dick, 3 pount left ball, 3 poind right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought ou said 'Turn around.'"

As Hot as 50 Years Ago

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds 50 years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the 2 stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the litte lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"

You know those health plans

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she pased a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm very sorry your Ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening there?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't:

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"

"Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

"Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest."

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

"Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/