Little Johnny Jokes

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions i ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could olpen his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Linkcoln?" The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a Dream'?" But before Johnny could o pen his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Psychology Course

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, Ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful", said his mother, who then began removing the cream with the tissue. "What's the matter?" asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Math Class

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the cartoon network!"

Sunday School

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Li'l Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mom noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Li'l Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

The Most Wanted Criminals

Li'l Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Li'l Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Daddy and Aunt Jane

Li'l Johnny sees his daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees daddy and Aunt Jane in a "passionate embrace." Li'l Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy mommy I was at the playground and Daddy and ....." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So li'l Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy....." At this point, mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and ....Then daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was in the Navy.

Math Report Card

Li'l Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in Arithmetic. "Why?", asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6." "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" "That's what I said!"

Multi-syllable Words

Li'l Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Li'l Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'Alright, Li'l Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Li'l Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, li'l Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Li'l Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job'.

Urinate

Li'l Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Li'l Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

Proper Grammar

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Li'l Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very Good, Suzy", replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Li'l Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

Sex Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her 4th grade class because she realizes Li'l Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One li'l boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said li'l Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, li'l Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at 1 time. And he killed everyone of them with his 2 guns. "The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."