Jokes All About Religions

The Blind Man: 2 nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this for a while, the 2 nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Whos is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The 2 nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice outfits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"
Ford Goes To Heaven: Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tell Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention - the assembly line for the automobile - changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne room and introduces him to God. Fod then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention. 1) there's too much front end protrusion, 2) it chatters at high speeds 3) the rear end wobbles too much, and 4) the intake is place too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm" replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The Diva's Prayer: Armani, which art in Hermes, Hallowed be thy Gucci. Thy Cartier watch, thy Prada bag, on Rodeo, as it is in Tiffany's. Give us this day, our Visa Titanium and forgive us this overdraft, as we forgive those who decline our Mastercard. Lead us NOT into JCPenney, and deliver us from Sears. For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier, and the Versace, for Dolce and Gabbana...Amex.
Indiglo!: Priest: Sister, please come in to my room.; Nun: Oh my God!; Priest: Please turn off the lights.; Nun: Oh my God!; Priest: Sit here beside me on the bed.; Nun: Father.....; Priest: Look at my watch! Timex Indiglo!
Kasiana Burak wrote:: A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I pour a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not" Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Wedding Wagers: During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When the time came for the groom's vows, the pastol looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."