by Tim Adams
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Shaku-Hachi.. Shaku lived in a small country farm with her Ma and Pa and her brothers, Mr. Clean, WD, and 40. It once came the time for little Shaku to choose a husband, and she had her eyes on the gorgeous Simpson clan across the river. She had been drooling on a certain Billy Bob Orenthal for some time now.
They had been courting off and on now for about 14 years, and were starting to get sweet on each other. One night they went off on a date at the county pig wrestling finals. Shaku was quite a pig wrestler, and had beaten Peggy Sue Doom last week in the semifinals. She was all buffed up for her match with last sooey on the roster.
Well, the match took place, and Shaku was the county pig wrestling champ. After the ceremony, Shaku and Billy decided to celebrate. So they went to the most romantical place that they knew, the bobolink breeding sites. They had gone there a couple of times before when something exciting happened. Like when Pa got his toe caught in the combine, or when Mr. Clean won stench of the year at the local high school.
Tonight they went there in Billy's new Ford truck. Although a '56 Ford was fancy now-a-days, he thought he deserved it. So they went to the top of the bluffs and started to look at the stars. Well, Billy bob couldn't quite see Uranus that well, and so he scooted over and accidentally touched Shaku in the tush. She screamed and took off running toward her Pa's before Orenthal could even get his hand back.
Well, as the story goes, he was served with subpeana papers two days later. He was convicted in the Hick State Courts, and is now serving 3 years probation, a restraining order against all members of the cleaning family, and Shaku-Hachi. he also has 400 hours of community service cleaning up after the horses in all community parades.
Moral: Sometimes seeing Uranus isn't as good as touching it.