TV Life



by Tim Adams

Ah. Don't you feel great?? Don't you feel like there is nothing going wrong in the world. That everything is perfect? Just like... well just like on TV. Isn't life perfect on TV. Whenever you turn it on, you see all the little people without a care on the world. The most that ever happened in the life was the occasional son down the well, or finding the barn was on fire.

If you turn on the tube today, you will see much of the same principle. But the little disasters have adapted to the times, and now, instead of the Father figure finding out that his little girl's new boyfriend is a hippy, he finds that she is a lesbian. Instead of finding Sparky has eaten a baseball, we find Sparky has signed a contract with the Mets and is suing his old family for emotional distress. Times are 'a changing.

However, no matter what the times have been like, there was always a reason to turn on the tube. Whenever you see a nice little family on television, they represent the life you wish you had. Not only would it be nice to work at a nice secure job, and get your kids to understand you, but everything was within your grasp. Whenever something went wrong, you could fix it. In real life, you can't fix anything. Everything pretty much sucks, and you really can't do much about it, until, you turn on your TV and go into your little Wally and the Beaver Euphoria.

Then, the other reason that your watch TV, is to feel more normal. If you see Dennis Rodman on the news wearing a dress and everything pierced, you don't quite feel so bad. You are finally the norm. Look at that Urkel kid. He is so popular because nobody is like him. Nobody is such a nimrod that they blow up their neighbors house. Nobody is so kind and caring that they keep inviting the nerdy unpopular neighbor kid over to blow up their house. At least not week, after week, after week. I mean, I sure wouldn't want to be the one who sells that family house insurance. I think if they murdered Urkel and hid his body in the basement, not only could they be rid of him and finally have a nice house to live in for more than a week, but their insurance premiums would go way down. Think about it.

"What do you mean my insurance premiums are going up again?"

"Sorry Mr. Winslow, but the only way to make the prices go down is to knock off that nerdy little geek who keeps breaking stuff in your house and blowing parts of it up. He is the reason you are family with the highest insurance premiums in the nation. I mean, even the parents of that Screech kid are happy they don't have the same neighbors as you."

"Well, aren't assassinations and hit men covered in our policy?"

"For another $2.95 a month, we'd be glad to!"

"Put it on the policy, then please!"

And that would be the reason that ABC would have to 'cancel' Urkel permanently. And then, life wouldn't be so perfect, but the finish of your home would.


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